All the Delicious Apples

"this is unbecoming of me" is genuinely a useful thing to have in your mental toolbox

What do you guys do for work. Job share time. I want to know

my life isnt perfect but at least im not doing a mans laundry

you have to forgive the printer because it's one of the most machine-ass machines we interact with on a day to day basis. that thing says kerchunk. hardly anything says kerchunk these days. you can't get mad at her when she kerchunks up a little.

eyes emoji was the perfect invention for nosy people. like 👀 whats going on over here 👀👀 i just wanna know #LetMeKnow 👀👀👀

this fetish stuff is getting out of hand what the fuck is word play

im not above eating some low hanging fruit like if theres low hanging fruit i might eat some

Your job is to crawl around on all fours through the aisles and scare all the customers

in every columbo episode there's some scene where he sets up some little trick that he suspects the murderer used and he's like "gee isn't that interesting? you know technology has come so far, you can do so many crazy things with it these days, it's really amazing" and then the murderer is like "you know lieutenant you really are a sick sick freak but somehow i almost kind of like you in this disgusting twisted kind of way"

im bad to argue with because i have jesters blood if you misintepret me i'll just go along with it. when i was a teenager i was trying to explain the concept of the heterosexual default to someone and they were like "so you think everyone should become bisexual?" and i was like. what the hell sure. lets have legally enforced bisexuality. i'll die on a hill for the bit dont fuck with me.

How are my sweetie pees

happy pride to losers who get no bitches and stack no paper

Attempting to locate a new Greek restaraunt using my gyroscope