Writing sex scenes with asexual characters
Okay, Iâve already discussed what not to do. Now letâs talk about doing it well. (This post is entirely SFW, by the way.)
First and foremost: Make the sex scene easy to skip. Please. It should be possible to ignore that whole section of the story and still follow the plot and characterization. Why? Because many asexual people, like me, are sex-repulsed, and reading that stuff is unpleasant for us. Sometimes I have to put down an otherwise excellent story because the author keeps putting graphic descriptions of sex into it,. No level of writing skill will help when Iâm cringing at every other page. You could relegate the sex scene to its own chapter, or put warnings at the start and end of it, or publish a separate version of the story without the sex scene. Just make sure that people can read your stuff without worrying about sudden encounters of the genital kind.
Know the reasons why the asexual character chooses to have sex. Their motivations will have a huge impact on how they feel before, during and after the sex scene. For a character who is not gray-asexual or demisexual, sexual attraction will not be a reason, so youâll need to decide on something else. Here are a few just off the top of my head:
âI love my partner and enjoy bringing them sexual pleasure.â
âIâm curious about what sex feels like.â
âI want to have children.â
âI get horny/aroused sometimes, and the physical release feels good. I donât mind having a sexual partner during that.â
âI donât care about sex, but I have a kink that I really enjoy, and I donât mind if sex is part of the experience.â
âSex is useful for me to get what I want.â (May be said by a sex worker, by person who gains benefits from a sexual relationship with someone rich or powerful, or by all sorts of people.)
âI had sex because I thought that I owed it to my partner.â
âI had sex because I wanted to fit in / be normal / itâs what I thought people were supposed to do in relationships.â
âI thought that if I kept trying I would learn to like it.â
âI didnât choose it, I was sexually assaulted.â
(Of course, gray-asexual and demisexual people may also choose to have sex without experiencing sexual attraction, for similar reasons.)
Remember that aesthetic attraction and sensual attraction exist, too. An asexual character may still be âphysically attractedâ to their partner and love to watch or touch them, even if thereâs no lust involved.
If the character is strongly sex-repulsed, or if they donât know theyâre asexual, be extremely careful, because you can step into a pile of consent issues there. Itâs probably better not to depict them having sex at all.
If sex without sexual attraction is difficult to write about, consider writing a gray-asexual or demisexual character. Gray-asexual people either feel sexual attraction very rarely, or they may feel sexual attraction but not want sexual relationships, or their feelings of attraction may be ambiguous between sexual and non-sexual. Demisexuals act and feel asexual 99% of the time, but if theyâve formed an emotional bond with someone, then they might later become sexually attracted to that person. Although experiencing sexual attraction doesnât necessarily imply that these characters will want to have sex, the fact that they can feel sexually attracted to their partners may make it easier to write sex scenes with them. A 100% asexual character could also enjoy having sex without experiencing attraction, but for non-asexual writers that may be harder to relate to and write about.
You could write a great story about a character who identifies as asexual but who actually turns out to be demisexual or gray-asexual instead. Just make sure that you write it in such a way that it doesnât cast doubt on the identities of people who actually are 100% asexual. It would also be wise to put foreshadowing of the twist in there so that the gray-a/demisexual label doesnât seem forced or implausibly convenient.
Have the characters talk about boundaries, compromises and consent. Every asexual person has different ideas about what forms of physical intimacy they enjoy, and what makes them uncomfortable. Have your asexual and non-asexual characters talk about what they need to feel satisfaction in the relationship. An asexual character who isnât willing to do penetrative sex may still be fine with foreplay, heavy petting, kinky stuff, and other X-rated things. Or maybe they arenât. Honest, open communication is essential for every relationship, but with asexual characters itâs even more vital, because the characters canât expect that ânormalâ relationship scripts will apply to them.
Consent can be a tough question. A considerate non-asexual partner should show concern that they are not pressuring their asexual lover into unwanted sex. Asexual people can be very vulnerable to being coerced or manipulated into sex, especially because our culture treats sex as mandatory in healthy romantic relationships. Asexual people who do not realize they are asexual may consent to sex that they otherwise would have rejected, because they believe it is their duty, or they think that withholding sex will make them a bad partner. This can be traumatizing and painful.
If you want to portray a healthy act of sex between an asexual and non-asexual person, then you must make it clear that the asexual character is not being pressured into it - not by their partner, not by societyâs expectations, and not even by their own internalized acephobia. They should demonstrate that they are fully capable of rejecting sex and do not feel obligated to do it, but are consenting to it freely and happily.
Donât use a sex scene as the culmination of a romantic story arc. Why? Because this reinforces the idea that sex is the goal of romantic relationships. Thatâs hurtful to asexual people. Even for asexuals who enjoy sex, itâs not a central factor for them, and theyâre usually A-OK spending their lives without it. Instead, culminate your romantic arc with a non-sexual scene that demonstrates the love, trust and commitment between the characters. This could be a wedding, a daring escape from villains, saving the world together, a reconciliation after a fight, or even just a sweet day of domesticity together. There are thousands of ways you could play this. It could be before or after the sex scene, but make sure that itâs there.
And finallyâŚIâve said this before, but it bears repeating: Donât âfixâ the asexual character. Donât cure them of asexuality. Donât make them change their mind about it after a night of really good sex. Donât make them decide to âgive upâ being asexual just because theyâve fallen in love. If you really want an asexual-spectrum character who feels sexual attraction, make them demisexual or gray-asexual instead, and include some foreshadowing of it, too.
Now go forth and write some decent smut, you pervs.