i miss your touch

i miss your smell

that high regard

that i held

i heard your voice last night

how do i make things right

inside you haven't left

god committed theft

went and took my gram

it's been 6 months, but feels like yesterday

feel your presence in everything i say

still want to be great for you

but purpose is waning

my skies are raining

where'd you go?

passion, curiosity, desire for growth

things that were all i'd ever known

disappeared into the unknown

i have nothing meaningful to say

disillusioned

atrocities every day

& my hearts been broke a million different ways

i warned myself to never lose it

i thought it'd survive the abuses

lost my mind and my spirit

i know, i'm tired of excuses

they say the gods test you

feel like my life's a test tube

this heart seeking refuge

i dont drive down 66 no more

i know nothing good is in store

days grow longer, thinking of planting seeds

without you here, there's a shifting of needs

i miss the smell of fresh cinnabread

and the way you'd tuck me into bed

together we'd poke fun at Alfred

we'd all laugh over something he said

used to be bored watching Wheel of Fortune

in those moments I was the one who won

you were my mama when I didn't have none

consistency and comfort mixed into one

i can't walk in with a delicate knock

can't pull close so you can hear me talk

no more hugs and kisses on the cheek

one more moment is all i seek

you always gave a message of hope

in another world you would be pope

a true inspiration and always a leader

my gramma Tillie was there for who needs her

the message rains down on me

the love forever reigns on me

the past will always prey on me

vision's no longer 20/20

haven't seen the same since 2020

it's all been a blur

been so unsure

trying to stay

undeterred

hard to believe things i've seen

hard to see the things i believe

drowned in fogginess

absorbed in 'stasis

when did i get complacent?

the world is a mirror,

yet i'm reading your projections

the world is a mirror,

why do you see broken people?

it's easy to spot what's front of mind

go beyond, imagine what you'd find

you've been served a shitty deal

i'll never pretend to know what you feel

but until you can face it head on

and accept that you may have flaw

you'll be stuck running a race you didn't enter

ruminating on what you meant to her

constantly worried, living in fear

mind stuck in well

look back to the past

see how far i fell

can't control what others think

problems solve with dialogue

twist with isolation

door has always been open

were you scared i'd answer?

tried to open yours

but you feared sharing your home

even though i gave you my code

reality, metaphor, what's the difference?

i hope ripping me to absolute fucking shreds makes you feel happy inside

thank you for putting in writing what i already know

i bet you felt satisfaction hitting post now

and you could get the reaction out of me

i've done nothing but try and be respectful

thought you blocked me, so i wrote

you found it, then explode

tear me apart, stamp on my heart

think you've known me from the start

i never really knew the true you. do you?

did you take the time, or just assume?

still running from your past, i presume

coaching on vulnerability, i gave you the book

you never opened up, scared and stuck

did you write those poems, or chatgpt?

through text, always wondered, was it you talking to me?

talk about vulnerability, scared to be flawed

i'm raw, open, honest - significantly flawed

but at least i can deal with it

you can't solve problems you won't acknowledge

you assume i moved on - "saw it for yourself"

that's why i called and panicked when you didn't answer

selective memory, self-serving prophecies

you assume i don't work on myself

you wrong

and at the end of the day, go ahead and write

why do people support mental health until it becomes inconvenient to them?

why do people say they want something when they don't?

I tried to be polite

tried to stay out of site

you left me when i needed you

both our fault we came unglued

i offered a hug

you shook my hand

i don't know if

you had a master plan

if you did, i didn't know it

if you did, you didn't show it

now you've erased me from memory

gone as far as I can see

good luck with your future life

there's a deep achin' in my heart

one might say the soul

doc, where do i even start?

been a while since i felt whole

gramma did have to depart

i feel like i should be worse off right now

i've lost my love, my rights, and my rock

in the span of about a month

normally i'd be destroying myself;

allowing bad habits to comfort

and to a degree they are

but i guess experience changes perspectives

as gutted as i am

trying to focus on future

it's time i lay the past me to rest

and move forward

a better man

a better person

i'm broken inside

but it's not an excuse anymore

i'm ending this cycle

of perpetual pain

i don't even know how i'm sane

i've got nothing to lose

& everything to gain

don't want fortune or fame

just want love and dame

in a sense i'm feeling reborn

this is a new era

tillie is gone

my guiding light and my foundation

but she gave me everything i need to survive

and if nothing else,

i'll do it for her

so her legacy doesn't die

due to the chasm of humanity

i'm slowly losing my sanity

seems like they do it all for vanity

and we're each in our own reality

-

pain caused reflection and powdered vision

been suffering from consequence of indecision

lost the keys, can you check the ignition?

cuz I've lost sight of my life's mission

-

i'm stuck in cycle

mental health recycles

my fucked up psychol

how can i be idol?

-

got it figured out but i'm lost

thought i'd be on top but i'm not

never really gave what i've got