I Am Become Tired

the funniest possible Live Action Remake that Disney could make, and I would actually watch, is Cars

no eyes on the windshields, no faces, just footage of real cars

Marylanders don’t say hi hello how are you my name is they just try to kill you with their car. which is of course a great honor in their culture

if i couldn't have any of the obvious first choice superpowers i would want my power to be the power of i can go anywhere and its not a problem. the way this power would work is that as long as im peaceful and respectful i can go anywhere and nobody will see it as weird or see me as a target for hostility. i can walk into a cool house to politely peep the decor or walk into a tall office building to politely peep the decor or walk around a city at night alone to politely peep the decor or walk into a strange facility to politely peep the decor or walk onto a plane and ride the plane to its destination and then walk around there to politely peep the decor and its fine as long as im chill. no need to make me faster or anything i can just walk at a normal pace. its good for the soul.

Does anyone else get pissed off when you wake up just as you were making significant progress in some bullshit task you had to do in a dream? Like great now I did all that shit for nothing

saw someone including "Mandate of Heaven" as one of those christian terms tumblr likes to use to sound profound. which i get where you're coming from but t☝️hat one is chinese

you can have this it is real

everyone post your biggest hear me outs my friend just showed me two conventionally attractive white men in a row i need to teach him what a real hear me out is

'here's a real hear me out' >>posts world's most conventionally attractive piece of machinery

something I find so funny is that comedians generally respect alex horne as a comedian and find him funny but as soon as they step foot on taskmaster grounds they immediately start thinking of the different ways to set him on fire the moment he opens his mouth

my 100% failproof way to handle reactionaries asking why i don’t shave at all is going “because i don’t want to” it works because what they really want is an argument about the merits of feminism, and they’ll draw it out and try to convince you it’s a cult or whatever, but you can avoid it all by sticking to “i just don’t wanna. don’t feel like it” and if they argue with you about it you can use your ultimate ability, which is “i’m sorry i thought it was a free country?” which, believe me, they cannot come back from. they’ll either drop it or start harping on something you didn’t say, and it’s important you don’t take the bait at that point. when they can’t argue with what you say, they assume your beliefs and attack those. and you crucially must be visibly baffled at their change of direction because it will make them seem and possibly feel crazy (which they are). “i don’t want to shave” is a perfect response because truly it all comes down to autonomy and the ability to do what you want. they’ll try to say “feminism makes you think you have to do that” and it’s important to not take that bait. to reiterate that you don’t know what they mean and you just don’t like shaving and that it’s really weird to look into it that deep. this works i promise

i know if your parents are from different countries you can inherit either nationality or both but wouldn't it be more fun if they drew a line between the spot one parent was born and the spot the other parent was born and you got the nationality of wherever the midpoint of that line is? just a thought to spice things up. like if you have one algerian parent and one egyptian parent then you get libyan nationality. it's awesome too because many people would get ocean nationality.

Am walking through Manhattan, there's a woman who can't be more than 25 in a big fur coat, walking with a cane, angrily saying into her headpiece "I want them them destroyed," I feel like an extra in a movie

*guy who doesn't know anything about sports and has never cared about sports in his life* hey did you know womens professional baseball is returning after 70 years and the games are going to be streamed for free on youtube and the season starts august 1st

joe biden should do another stimulus check where the ira sends me a lox bagel. with cream cheese please

irs.