All Change

just how fast the night changes?

Nightwing: honestly! my family is fucking INSANE! i swear the only good one is my little brother, he died and came back and decided to ditch the vigilante life.

Red Hood: oh shit really?

Nightwing: honestly probably the smartest one out of all of us, he’s reading in bed while we’re all out here on stakeouts!

Red Hood: interesting. tell me more about how this brother is the best of all of you.

~

Red Hood: so what are you guys getting the smart handsome not-vigilante brother for Christmas?

Nightwing, Red Robin, and Robin:

~

Batman: now i need all of you to have an equal share in the clean up-

Red Hood: yeah sorry, you aren’t MY dad, so i’m gonna dip. have fun cleaning!

the funniest part is when Dick and Tim decide that since Red Hood and Jason are so similar and Red Hood CLEARLY seems to like what he hears about Jason, that they should try to set the two up.

Jason, calling Roy at 4am: i need you in Gotham within the next hour so you can dress up as Red Hood and we can pretend that I’m sleeping with myself.

Roy:

Roy: i’m gonna get caught sneaking out of your bedroom with lipstick on your helmet

Villain approaches Marvel with a smirk, "Tell me big red cheese, where do you live!"

Captain Marvel, "Oh dude im homeless!"

And literally like the interogation ends as quickly as it started because WHAT

--

villain: "wait so you... where do you sleep...?"

billy: "Outside, nice ol' comfy concrete."

villain: "Dont you have like.. a job?"

billy: "Does heroism count?"

villain: "....No."

Batman, in a room full of –supposedly– adult Superheroes:... the villains then destroyed the building and took three people hostage, which, if I may add, was just so... Skibidi.

Captain Marvel: *cringes*

Batman, eyes narrowing: ...Fortunately, they weren't standing on business. Superman and I were able to track them back to their hideout and rescue the hostages. No major aura losses. We slayed.

Captain Marvel: *cringes harder*

Batman, with the glint of victory in his eyes:... Guess you could say they couldn't handle our rizz maxxing.

Captain Marvel, covering his face in second hand embarrassment: dude...

*Later, in the cave*

Bruce: I have confirmation on Captain Marvel's identity being a human on the younger side, probably a teen or pre-teen.

Jason: How did you even confirmed that?

Batman: I talked Gen Z to him.

*Both Tim and Damian groaning*

Jason, blinking: You 'talked Gen Z to him'? The fuck does that mean?

Tim: Don't make him demonstrate...

Dick: He uses Gen Z slang. Kids hate it.

Jason: Are you serious? That's it?

Damian: Don't underestimate his tactic, Todd. It's... oddly effective.

Bruce, smiling: What can I say, I'm a sigma, I never take an L.

*everyone having a full-body cringe*

Jason: Holy shit, nevermind, I get it.

Bruce: W plan for real, chat

Jason: Okay, stop.

Bruce: Can't. I'm in my rizzler dad era.

Jason: I will skin myself with Damian's katana.

*Meanwhile*

Green Lantern: So.. Did anyone understand Spooky's report today?

Flash: Not a damn word.

okay so. picture this:

the batcave has one couch. it's in the corner. it’s hideous. it’s like beige or green or something equally offensive to every one of their aesthetics. no one likes the couch.

and that is exactly why it became sacred.

because one night jason just. drops onto it. full gear. bleeding. absolutely done with life. says nothing. doesn’t even take off the helmet. sits there in silence for 3 hours and then leaves.

next week tim uses it. sits there post-mission. face in hands. someone tries to ask if he’s okay and jason throws a batarang at them.

and thus it began.

Rules of the Do Not Talk To Me Couch:

You sit there? No one speaks to you.

You cry? No you didn’t.

You eat cold noodles off your chest at 4 a.m.? That’s sacred time.

If someone tries to comfort you? They are excommunicated for 12 hours.

Dick (sitting on the couch):

Damian: Grayson, are you—

Jason (from across the cave): HE’S ON THE COUCH.

Jason: I don’t make the rules.

Steph: You LITERALLY made the rules.

Jason: And I am the defender of the rules. There’s a difference.

one time damian storms in. covered in blood. absolutely furious. 10/10 rage goblin energy. throws his sword. marches to the couch. sits. arms crossed. steaming.

tim takes one look at him and goes: “i’m making tea.”

jason: “that’s acceptable. tea is allowed. talking is not.”

bonus:

once bruce sits on it.

and the ENTIRE CAVE goes silent.

tim literally freezes mid-typing. cass stops mid-flip. jason just mutters “oh shit.”

they all leave. immediately.

the couch is not ready for bruce.

extra bonus:

Stranger Things epilogue tweak - Mike the Wise

bonus below

I had a vision

Merlin: Well, you’re a woman.

Gwen: But what about you, Merlin?

Merlin: Well, I- em… er… that is to say… er… you know, probably- I-

Gwen: …

Gwen:

day 7. Second chances