Please Don’t Follow Me If You’re New To This

Just don’t eat.

I’m so ready to feel hungry but satisfied, to regularly fuel my body with healthy and nutritious food instead of starving myself all day and then eating whatever at night.

I’m so ready for this to be a perfect week, full of good feelings, self love, tasty fruit and vegetables, exhausting but satisfying days and joy.

I’m so ready to jump out of bed in the morning knowing I’ll make it a great day with the best self I can be, and to fall into bed at night after a long day feeling accomplished and calm because I know I’m on track, with uni, weightloss and everything else.

I do not mean I sniffed a coconut for too long and now I’m 2 calories above my limit.

I mean I devoured bowl after bowl of pasta, cut my mouth on packet after packet of crisps, licked the crumbs that fell off cookie after cookie, ate mass amounts of frozen, raw, stale, gross ass food until it was spilling out my esophagus, all with a blank stare and a stomach and mind screaming at me to stop.

Binging is excessive, painful, compulsive eating that makes you feel like an embarrassing fat piece of shit.

Artsy depression: haunted eyes, good at art, emo hair and eyeliner on point

Actual Depression: bloodshot eyes, no longer trust themselves with pencils, has not showered in five days

Quirky OCD: organized books, clean room, color coordinated outfits

Actual OCD: Intrusive thoughts, flipping the light switch 8 times so you don’t stab your brother, picking holes in your skin

Cute eating disorders: Slim trim and beautiful, shyly refusing a second helping, dancer aesthetic

Actual eating disorders: Puffy cheeks and eroded teeth from excessive vomiting, hair growing over your freezing body and refusing to eat carrots because they’re too high in carbs

Adorable anxiety: just a smol bean, soft, must be protected from the world

Actual anxiety: crying so hard you throw up, shaking, losing sleep over a period after the “okay”

RPG PTSD: flashbacks, vietnam, u don’t know what i’ve been through kiddo

Actual PTSD: Buying your first pregnancy test at twelve, flinching at high fives, i can’t feel my hands where am I what year is it

Cartoon ADHD: look a squirrel, something shiny, fidgety loveable bufoon

Actual ADHD: rereading the same page over and over because it doesn’t make sense, hasn’t done the laundry in four months, hyperfocusing on a mushroom knowing you have work to do

At a pool

At a beach

In a crop top

In a skirt

In a romper

When people touch me

When my boyfriend holds me

When I shop for clothes

When people can see me

When people can’t see me

In the morning

In the afternoon

In the night

In bed

In a chair

In a car

On a plane

Instead of hating myself

Instead of wishing I was dead

Instead of crying

Instead of feeling pathetic

Instead of seeing a fat monster in my reflection

depending on the weight

(tell me if u need this for less weight)

You’re craving it.

You feel good while consuming it.

Then it just burns in your stomach.