mel

"we understand that, darling," your father replies softly but your mother rolls her eyes at him.

it was clear how each of your parents feel about your reluctance for choosing a husband.

how could your mother not understand that you are thinking about the rest of your life?

you didn't want to marry the first guy who threw himself at you if you could prevent it. that was certain.

your father wished for the best for you, but you knew how easily your mother's nagging could push him. he loved her, that was true. was he a horrible husband for wanting to be in agreement with his wife? no, but it hurt a bit when it was at the cost of his own daughter's happiness.

"you will learn to enjoy his presence. or at least pretend to enjoy it, that is all that matters," she looks up at you with a glare.

it was easy for her to say when she did enjoy her husband's presence. you knew that your parents were lucky enough to be a love match. your mother should know more than anyone else that marrying someone you truly understand is one of the most beautiful things that can happen.

you didn't want to force love. just because others showed interest in you, it didn't mean that you had to show interest in them. you feel like you've already spoken with most of the possible suitors and you feel a connection with none of them.

you shove a piece of food in your mouth as you keep your eyes to your plate. you already know your parents still have more to say. you can see your mother gesturing to your father about something, not being as inconspicuous as she thinks. you hear your father clear his throat and he speaks.

"the mactavishes are throwing a ball in a fortnight. your mother and i think it would be nice to attend," he says.

you look up at him and nod your head in agreement.

"i'm sure it will be fun," you say.

"it will also be a good opportunity to talk to more suitors," he continues.

you knew there was more to it, there always was.

you already had enough of the conversation so you decide to not fire back with any insults to the suitors.

"alright, i will try," you reply shortly.

there isn't much left to discuss and you finish the rest of your dinner in silence.

the ball comes faster than you expect and you feel like it has only been a few moments before your parents are whisking you off into the carriage to go to the ball.

when you arrive, the decorations are not short of magnificent. the mactavishes always threw the grandest balls for the smallest occasions. except, this was no small occasion. johnny, their beloved son, had returned home from his travels and his parents wanted to gather all of the ton to celebrate.

you walk into the ballroom with your parents. flowers and curtains adorn all of the railings and fixtures. it is a most beautiful sight. every corner is so full of color you find yourself trying to take time to admire each one.

you immediately find a group of ladies to stand with. you had spoken with them a few times, but you wouldn't consider yourself friends with them. even acquaintances might be generous, but you didn't want to stand by yourself and they had interesting enough conversations.

the night seemed to drag on. at some point, all of the women you stood with had been whisked off by suitors to the dance floor. most of the men who had already spoken with you before seemed to give up and you were glad, you were definitely not in the mood to act interested in their conversations.

as you watched the pairs dance together, it only made you feel a sense of longing. it's not like you wanted to stay on the marriage mart for so many seasons, you just didn't want to force love. you knew with your parents more incessant nagging that they were really becoming serious and your mother would most definitely take matters into her own hands if necessary.

you had heard there were supposed to be a few more relatives of members of the ton coming to visit, maybe you would have luck then, you hoped.

he noticed you from across the room as soon as he walked in. the dress you were wearing wasn't extravagant by any means but you made it look beautiful. the color contrasted perfectly with your hair, he wondered if he would be able to admire it up close.

he sees the soft furrow of your brows, the way you stare at all of the people dancing with a look that says you were wishing that it could be you. you were radiant, he couldn't believe that someone as alluring as you was standing off to the side, not a single suitor in sight.

his eyes narrow at your dancing card and he can just barely make out the emptiness of it from across the room.

was there something he was missing? he knew he didn't get out of his home much but he truly couldn't believe that suitors weren't fawning over you.

the mactavishes were an old family friend to him and he only decided to stop by for pleasantries but the moment he saw you he knew his plan had to change.

he was surprised he had even gotten an invite, nobody knew he had returned from his travels, the mactavishes included. good timing, he supposes.

he felt multiple pairs of eyes on him when he walked in but he expected it. as far as he knew, he was some random lord who got invited to the ball. they knew his name, but nobody was ever able to put a face to it besides the mactavishes.

he watches as an older man approaches you, your father he could only assume, and he feels his lips quirk up into a smile as he watches you talk and laugh with your father.

he shouldn't have been able to hear it from across the room, nobody else standing next to him did. but nobody else knew who he was, what he was.

a woman steps into his view and to his dismay, he's forced to look away from you.

she bats her eyelashes and waves her fan at him, a rehearsed plan. every move calculated in order to capture eyes of any potential suitors.

she had the motions correct, maybe it would have worked on him years ago, but now he was only focused on you. after seeing you, he was certain there would be nobody else that would capture his eye.

he politely excuses himself, slowly making his way towards you. he nods in greeting to a few men who take an interest in him, but moves too quickly for them to come up and speak with him.

he stops at the dessert table and picks up the first pastry he sees. he takes a small bite to avoid suspicion, not like anyone would question him. nobody knows when he last ate or drank, it wasn't like you had to enjoy every food at a ball. he has to fight a look of disgust that threatens to show up once the food hits his tongue. it was too sweet. too cold.

he looks up and sees you approaching the dessert table and mentally prepares himself to speak with you. he opens his mouth once you get closer but before he can get a word out another man speaks to you and captures you in conversation.

he hears the man ask if you would like to dance with him and your eyes look away quickly.

you make eye contact with your mother and she gives you a look, signaling for you to let the man sign your dancing card and you turn back to the man. you nod and hold your hand out and he smiles as he signs your card.

the man wasn't horrible looking and he seemed nice. you hoped he wouldn't be too uninteresting.

an awkward silence fills the air and you try to get rid of it.

"the decorations here are lovely, the mactavishes always throw the most beautiful balls," you say to the man next to you.

"i find them quite extra. the colors are too bright for my tastes, hurts my eyes to be honest," he says curtly.

you make a face and clear your throat, you didn't think he would be so open about being bland.

"ah, well. everyone is different, i suppose," you say stiffly.

you hear a snort come from someone standing near you two and you only hope they're not laughing at whatever conversation it is that you're having.

when a new dance finally starts, he takes your hand in his and drags you to the dance floor. he's an alright dancer for the most part, but then he steps on your foot and doesn't apologize. and then it happens a second time.

you look up at him in disbelief but he seems to refuse to acknowledge the faults in his dancing abilities.

after what seemed like forever, the dance finishes and you excuse yourself to go get a drink.

you take a sip of the lemonade and your mother joins your side.

"how was he? did he take an interest in you?" she asks, straight to the point as always.

"he was alright," you say trailing off. "not the most polite man to speak with."

"it doesn't matter if he was polite. it matters if he was interested in you," your mother replies.

you spot the man you were dancing with speaking and laughing with another woman and when he makes eye contact with you, he immediately looks away, turning the woman with him.

"i suppose not anymore."

your mother sighs as she puts her own drink down.

"did you say anything that would've upset him?" she questions you.

"what? no, mama i did not. i did try having a conversation with him,"

"well he clearly isn't interested in conversing with you now," she says annoyed.

"mama, i do not think that it is my fault-" you respond quietly, trying not to start anything with so many people around.

"then whose would it be?" she turns to you. "go find your father. we are leaving."

she walks off and leaves you standing by yourself. as much as you hated to admit it, you were fighting holding back tears. how could she say it was your fault? you were polite to that man even when you didn't want to be. it's not like you were trying to avoid all suitors.

when you locate where you father is, all it takes is one look at you for him to know that your mother had said something to you. he pats your head reassuringly and leads you out the door to your carriage.

the days after the ball all blur into each other. you avoid your mother at all costs, even trying to get out of dinner saying that you don't feel well.

both of your parents know that's not the case, but they let you be. it was probably your father telling your mother to leave you alone, you thought.

you grew tired of being in the house and decide you want to go take a walk so you go and look for your father, hoping that he would want to join you.

you hear him and your mother talking and walk towards the room when you hear your father speak and you pause outside the door.

"i don't think we should agree yet. we don't even know what the man looks like," he says.

"the man's looks do not concern me. he has expressed interest in our daughter and i believe that we should accept it. that man dancing with her at the ball was a rare occasion, i'm surprised we received a letter from someone else at all."

"but a proposal? he hasn't even met our daughter," your father tries to reason with your mother.

"a proposal?" you say and both your parents look at you. they hadn't realized you were outside listening and you didn't even realize you had stepped into the room.

"a proposal from who?" you ask. surely your ears were deceiving you.

you look at your father for answers and his mouth is slightly open and he scratches the back of his neck.

"father, please. what do you mean a proposal?"

why was nobody answering you?

"darling, we received a letter from someone," he begins. "he would like your hand in marriage and your mother thinks it is best for you to accept."

who could have possibly wanted your hand in marriage? you knew for a fact that it wasn't the man you danced with. nobody else has shown interest in you since then.

"it is best to accept the proposal. your father is going to write that you accept," your mother breaks the silence.

"i accept? mama you cannot be serious. i don't even know who you're marrying me off to. this is..." you pause.

your breathing grows unsteady and you start taking quicker breaths. you feel your heart pounding against your chest and your vision starts to grow blurry. you try to take a step forward but stumble and your father rushes forward to grab you.

he slowly leads you over to the sofa and sets you down gently, rubbing your shoulders as he keeps you steady.

a glass of water is presented to you and you look up to see your mother standing in front of you, yet another annoyed look on her face like she was surprised that you weren't taking well to the news of a proposal.

you take a long sip of water and place the glass on the table.

"have you settled down yet?" your mother questions.

you look up at her slowly and nod.

"who is the man?" you ask hesitantly, not even sure that you want to know.

she looks over at your father and you hear him take a deep breath.

you couldn’t wait for everyone to arrive, even though they wouldn’t be getting to your home for another, you looked at your phone, five hours.

you let out a sigh and turn on some music as you still go to prepare everything anyways.

nothing fancy, of course. you had some snacks and drinks set out and you knew your friends would undoubtedly show up with balloons and more decorations.

you get changed once it started nearing the time that everyone would start arriving. you put on a cute dress, one of your favorites for the special occasion, and just a bit of makeup. you were putting in your earrings when you heard the doorbell ring and you excitedly ran out of your room to go greet your friends.

time passes by fast. you and your friends are talking and laughing, the party is so much fun. you hardly notice the absence of a certain someone.

he promised that he would make it to your party, said he "wouldn't miss it for the world." but here he was, missing it.

you don't even realize how you zone out of the conversation until one of your friends says your name and grabs your attention again.

now wasn't the time to be focusing on a man, it was your birthday after all. you could be upset after the party was over, but not now.

you and your friends sit all around the living room, drinking the homemade margaritas you made together earlier which taste surprisingly better than you expected.

you look around the room as you sip your drink, smiling as you observe your friends. it was a good party, you couldn't have been happier.

unfortunately for you, as the night grew later more and more of your friends trickled out. everyone was giggly and tired and you wave your last friend off as they get into a cab.

you shut the door and sit in silence for a moment before walking over to the table and beginning to clean up the decorations. you were tired but you knew that you wouldn't feel like cleaning up tomorrow either.

your eyes catch on a picture frame hanging on the wall and you see a photo of you and john with his arm wrapped around your shoulder and you reminisce on the memory.

"please miss the shot, please," you say as you watched john line up the pool cue to shoot the 8-ball.

"not gonna happen," he grumbles.

you watch as he furrows his brows as he concentrates and you smile at how serious he looks.

"your face is gonna get stuck like that if you hold it like that for too long, you know."

he only rolls his eyes and finally shoots his shot and he misses.

you jump up in realization because you finally have a chance to win.

"oh thank you thank you," you wrap your arms around john and he chuckles at your excitement.

he holds the pool cue out for you.

"still have to make the shot, love."

"yea, yea whatever."

you line up the pool cue to the ball and after what felt likes ages to john, you finally hit.

the 8-ball goes straight in.

you let out a squeal and turn to john and he's already smiling at you.

"congratulations," he says.

"oh i couldn't have done it with you. first game of pool and i won, you wish you were as good as me," you smile as you pat him on the arm.

he laughs at that.

"i don't know. might need to go a second round to prove that to me," he replies.

"sure you can handle it?"

"i can go as long as you want, love."

you rolled your eyes at him but you couldn't ignore the butterflies in your stomach that formed at his words.

suddenly you remembered where you were. at your house, cleaning up your birthday decorations from a party he promised he would be at.

you tried your hardest to fight it but you couldn't help the tears that formed in your eyes.

did he forget about it? surely, he wouldn't have. that's not like him at all. but maybe you were wrong.

you turned off the lights and began to head to your room when you heard a knock on the front door.

you freeze.

you were about to run to the kitchen to grab a knife when you hear a familiar voice behind the door.

"love, you still awake?"

john.

you quickly wipe your face for any tears that may have fallen, trying to collect yourself as you make your way to the door.

you open it and see john.

his eyes widen in surprise but he quickly masks it and you see that he's holding a box in his hands.

you look up at him and stare for a moment but he quickly speaks.

“happy birthday,” he says with a small smile and holds the gift out to you and notices your hesitance to take it.

“if you didn’t want to come to my party you could’ve just said that,” you say jokingly but it still hurt just to think about it.

“i’m so sorry, love. they called me in earlier and i had to go and-”

“it’s alright, john,” you reply softly.

you finally accept the gift and step aside and he steps inside as you close the door behind him and turn the light back on.

“i truly am sorry, i mean it,” he scratches his head. “i really wanted to be here, you know that.”

you nod your head in agreement.

as much as you were upset he didn’t show up, you couldn’t get mad for him needing to go into work. you knew of his position and how important he was, the timing of it just sucked. you were just glad that he didn't forget your birthday.

“it’s okay, i’m just glad you’re here now. everything okay at work?” you ask, leading him over to the couch and he lets out a sigh as he sits.

“ah, just a couple of people making things harder for the rest of us, you know how it is,” he says and you hum in agreement.

your hands tap on the box absentmindedly and he looks down at it.

“took me a while to think of what to get you. you’re very difficult to shop for,” he says.

“oh shut up,” you playfully hit his arm as you go to open the box and he chuckles.

you undo the neatly tied bow on top and open the box to see a necklace.

"oh, john..." you start to say.

you pick up the necklace in your hands and you feel like you could cry. you had only mentioned it once in passing, just thinking out loud to him and he actually remembered.

the two of you were shopping together and you passed a jewelry store. you stopped in front of the window just to admire the jewelry when you saw the most beautiful necklace. it matched your tastes perfectly, simple but with a few stones that make it really sparkle.

"that necklace is so pretty," you said.

john hummed in agreement.

"i think it suits you, are you going to get it?" he replied.

you looked at all the other jewelry displayed then at the store as a whole and everything only pointed to it being too expensive.

you realized you were correct when you saw a tiny price tag next to it showing a number with a few too many zeroes.

"when i have an extra couple hundred dollars lying around sure," you laughed.

"you remembered," is all you can breath out.

"how could i have forgotten?" he says and you look over at him and he's staring at you fondly.

"i don't know what to say, john. i really can't. i don't think i can accept this-"

"don't even start, love. i bought it for you as a gift because you deserve it. won't you let me put it on?" he stares at you expectantly.

you look at him and open your mouth to speak but can't find any words to say. you nod your head and hold the necklace out to him before turning around to let him put it on.

he gently grabs your hair to move it out the way and you fight yourself to not lean into him.

he clasps it around your neck and you turn around and he's smiling.

"you look beautiful," he admits as the tips of his ears turn red. he knows it and he hopes you don't notice.

you don't.

you feel your cheeks heat up at the compliment.

"thank you," you reply softly, a soft smile forming on your face.

neither of you speak for a few moments but the silence is comfortable. you could never feel awkward around him.

"you have fun tonight?" he questions as he quirks an eyebrow.

"would've been more fun with you," you admit, resting your head against john's shoulder.

"oh, yea?" he tilts his head.

"yea," you nod against him, wrapping your arms around his waist and you hear his breath hitch.

you freeze as well, suddenly hyperaware of the closeness of the two of you even though you're quite literally hugging him.

"...john?"

"yes, love?" he replies immediately.

"you're really comfy to lay against," you admit.

it wasn't the alcohol speaking, it was just you.

"is that so?" he laughs.

you nuzzle your head against his shoulder and he pulls you closer, reaching the arm that isn't wrapped around you to stroke your cheek and you really do lean into his touch this time.

his hand is warm against your cheek and he moves his thumb back and forth over your cheek so gently, so softly that for a second you think you must be imagining it.

you let out a content sigh and your eyes open and you see he's already staring down at you.

your lips part as if you're going to speak, but no words ever come out.

he looks good. to be fair, he always looks good but something about the way he looks today has you swooning. you've only ever felt butterflies when he stares at you like you're the only thing that matters. always giving his full attention to you, even when nobody else is.

you're so focused on admiring him you almost miss the way his thumb brushes over your bottom lip. almost.

your breath hitches and you watch as his eyes dart down to your lips.

"love?" he says, barely audible.

now it was his turn to get your attention.

"hm?"

"please don't look at me like that," he says almost painfully.

"look at you like what?"

"like you want to kiss me."

"...what if i want to kiss you?" you say quietly, almost like you're scared of his response.

you pull away from his shoulder and his eyes follow your every move. he sees the way you fidget with your hands, the way your eyes dart away from his only for just a second. you were nervous, he knew that.

he sucks in a breath as he looks away then back at you like he could hardly believe what he was hearing.

"are you sure?"

"i'm sure," you respond.

you've never been more sure of anything in your life.

he reaches out to touch you again, this time hesitant almost as if he's afraid he'll hurt you.

his hand goes to your cheek again and he thinks his heart is going to burst when you lean into his hand again subconsciously.

"christ, are you trying to kill me?" he mumbles to himself.

you stare at him expectantly and it looks like he has a million things running through his mind at the moment.

"so beautiful," he admits as he leans in slowly.

his other hand holds the back of your neck softly, pulling you close.

his lips meet yours softly and he kisses you like he's savoring every moment, taking the time to memorize every part of you like you'll disappear.

you don't want the moment to end. his lips feel right against yours. it's almost like he already knows exactly what you need, what both of you need.

you hesitantly pull away for air and don't even try fighting back the grin on your face when you feel him lean closer, trying to chase after you.

he told you to sit on his back which you did, saying how he 'wanted the extra weight' and you nodded in acknowledgment.

you planted your hands on his shoulders to steady yourself as he worked out, rhythmically tapping against him.

the longer it went on, the hotter you felt and you weren't even the one doing the work.

feeling his muscles under your hands already had you heating up and the grunts and groans that he was making wasn't helping either.

you were glad that he couldn't see your face, it would make you feel horrible if he knew that you were enjoying it in a way that you shouldn't.

you press your thighs together and he slows, feeling your movement on him.

"you uncomfortable?" he asks concerned and you make up a lie on the spot.

"my legs are just hurting a bit, is all," you brush him off.

"hmm, well then you don't have to sit on me anymore. my reps were almost done anyways. wanna try something else?"

you say yes and he starts to reposition.

he tells you to lay on the floor and your eyebrows furrow in confusion.

"nothing filthy i promise," he says with a laugh.

you trust him completely and lay down and look up at him.

he looks so big from your point of view. you admire his broad shoulders and the scars all over him.

he catches you staring and smirks, slowly lowering himself onto you. his arms cage you in as he plants his hands next to your head.

he lifts himself up to do pushups again, this time with you being beneath him.

"i thought we were doing something different," you mumble.

"this is different."

you fake annoyance and frown and when he brings himself down for the push up, he kisses your lips.

suddenly the position doesn't seem so bad anymore.

every time he lowered himself, he kissed a different part of your face.

he was practically groaning in your ear at this point and you've never felt so flustered.

you find yourself lifting yourself up a bit to meet his lips but he only lets you graze his own before pulling away, a teasing smirk on his face.

"varka," you whine.

he tsks at your complaint and shakes his head.

"supposed to be working out, pretty girl," he says.

when his head is close to yours again, he leans in and you think he's finally going to kiss you again but he moves past your lips and holds himself so that his mouth is next to your ear.

"be good and you'll get another," he whispers in your ear and he bites your lobe softly as he continues his work out.

you narrow your eyes at him.

you couldn't be more frustrated with him.

he kissed you first, how could he be changing his mind now?

it felt like it had been hours, but you knew it had only been a few minutes.

you waited patiently, you were good like he asked you to be.

you were still on the floor and did your best to ignore the way your boyfriend's groans were making you feel.

it was like he was teasing you on purpose.

"are you almost done?" you ask quietly.

"alllmost just," he grunts. "a few," another grunt. "more."

your annoyance with him suddenly has you more aware of everything around you. everything to do with him.

you turn your head slightly and watch as the veins in his arms flex with every movement, his biceps seeming bigger every time he moved.

you could see a sheen of sweat on him. you watched as it dripped down his chest past the patch of hair and you swallowed involuntarily.

you liked the feeling of him being on top of you. you liked how he completely covered you, leaving you to see him and only him.

you could never think about anything else when he was your view.

"hey, hey, eyes up here," varka's voice breaks you from your thoughts.

you feel your cheeks heat up as you realize he caught you staring but you look up to see that he's smirking. he's enjoying this.

"were you doing this on purpose?" you question him.

his steady rhythm falters and your eyes widen in realization.

"you were doing this on purpose!" you almost shout.

he simply laughs at your reaction, clearly amused with the situation.

"took you long enough," he says, finally halting his workout as he remains on top of you.

"could see you getting all worked up you know, surprised you made it this long," he continues.

one hand reaches down to stroke your waist, grabbing you softly.

you watch as his massive hand covers your skin. his hand is rough but his touch is only ever the opposite. he's so delicate, so gentle with you.

"varka..." you begin, you already feel yourself losing your resolve the more he strokes your waist.

"don't worry, pretty girl. i'll make you feel better, i promise," he says roughly and your eyes flutter at the deep sound of his voice.

his hand finds its way back up to your face, stroking your cheek as he leans down to kiss you for real this time.

his lips meet yours softly but he's surprised when he feels the roughness you greet him with.

he groans into your lips, kissing them back feverishly. he bites your bottom lip and wastes no time in swiping his tongue into your mouth.

he presses his body closer to yours and you feel his sweat dampening your clothes but you couldn't care less.

he presses you into the padding on the floor and one hand goes to your leg. he rubs your thigh softly before gripping it tightly and opening your legs, making room for his body to slot itself in between yours.

he grinds himself into you and you moan into his mouth. your legs tighten around his waist as he continues moving his hips against yours.

you could feel his hands all over you, feel the way your clothes caught against the heat growing in between your legs.

he moans into your mouth as your hands wrap themselves around his arms, squeezing tightly around his biceps.

"so needy, aren't you," he says in between kisses and you only nod as you kiss him more.

he chuckles and lightly wraps a hand around your neck, not choking you but just holding you there in place.

you moan at the feeling and the noise only encourages him further and he kisses you harder as he continues grinding against you.

"my needy girl," he breathes out.

his words burn through you and you can barely hold yourself back anymore.

you feel your orgasm building fast and you whine against his lips.

"varka, gonna come-" you say and he hums against you.

"go on then, come for me, baby," he replies as he leans down to kiss all over your neck.

you feel your body tense up and finally come, moaning loudly as varka bites down on your neck.

"thaat's it, give it to me," he groans, taking in the sound of your moans greedily.

his hips continue moving against yours, working you through your orgasm and your hips jerk at the feeling.

once you've finally come down, he pulls himself away from your neck and kisses your lips softly.

"mmm, did so good for me, my good girl," he praises and you revel in his words.

"let's get you cleaned up," he says softly, stroking your cheek lovingly before sitting up, lifting you into his arms easily.

"what about you?" you ask as you look at him, your arms wrapped around his neck as you play with his hair.

"you're still gross and sweaty from working out, you know," you continue.

"wasn't so gross and sweaty when i was on top of you, was i?"

you try to hide the disappointment on your face as best as you can and turn away quickly to avoid looking at him again.

“thank you,” is all you can manage to say as you walk away.

it's been two weeks since your last conversation with varka.

avoiding him while you were on break was easy, but after returning it was proving more and more difficult to keep your distance from him.

maybe you had misinterpreted his actions and it was all in your head. the grand master wasn't like that, he would never have a romantic relationship with one of his knights.

you weren't even sure if he was interested in having a romantic relationship in general. he was always focused on missions and keeping everyone safe you wondered if he had it in him to make time for a relationship.

maybe for the right person, maybe for someone who wasn't you.

you avoided all eye contact with him during training after coming back, only keeping to yourself and the other recruits.

of course, varka noticed. he hasn't seen you smile at him for the past two weeks and its been torture. watching you laugh and joke around with the other knights only made him even more dejected. he wanted to be the one making you laugh.

he missed your conversations, he missed you being near him, he just missed you.

he hadn't realized how much he looked forward to seeing you every day until your absence. granted, he was responsible for half of it but he didn't think it would entail you avoiding him upon your return.

there was something different in the air when he went looking after you that night. you both felt it.

why he didn't act on it? he wasn't sure. no, he was. it would have been unprofessional of him. he was your superior, even if he didn't make it feel that way sometimes.

and the things people would say if someone happened to see what he really wanted to do? hear the things he wanted to say? he couldn't do that to your reputation. you had gotten to where you are because of your skill, not because a certain grand master had taken a liking to you. he didn't want anyone to think otherwise.

he was doing it for you. it was for the best.

"grand master varka?"

a voice snaps the blond man out of his thoughts and varka turns to look at the man standing next to him.

"can you repeat that?" varka asks, his eyes still focused on you across the camp.

"is everything alright, sir? you seemed lost in thought," the man says as he scratches his head awkwardly.

it was unlike the grand master to zone out during conversations. the knight had his own questions but he knew not to push further than asking if he was okay.

"yes, my apologies. just thinking about the mission. i'll get back to you about logistics," varka replied as he began to walk away.

that was a complete lie. varka wasn't thinking about the mission, he was thinking about you. he couldn't think about anything else other than you, especially when you were right in front of him looking as beautiful as ever.

you were able to hold your ground against all training partners, including those whose sizes greatly differed from yours. he loved the way your eyes slightly narrowed as your analyzed your opponents moves, watching for their tells before they made their moves. you moved quickly and composed, he could only describe you as graceful.

varka figured the only way to get you off his mind was letting you out of his sight and he returned back to his tent and sat at his desk with a groan and put his head in his hands.

it was bad, he thought to himself. you shouldn't be occupying as much space in his head at you were, it was dangerous for him.

as much as he tried to focus on paperwork and planning, your face would flash in his mind every now and then, your smile serving as a reminder of what he could've been seeing had he not been such a coward.

days passed and the mission ended up being carried out perfectly. no casualties, minimal injuries that only required bedrest overnight as just an extra precaution, the whole company was in high spirits.

when varka broke the news that they would be traveling to nasha town for celebrations everyone was quick to pack their bags and get on their horses.

you were excited to see the city again, even if you were only staying for a few days. while the knights put together amazing feasts, there was just something different about cheap food stands.

after putting your belongings in your room at the flagship, you met up with your fellow knights almost instantaneously at the tavern.

you ended up downing more drinks than you thought. it also didn't help that your fellow knights loved a good drinking game, you included. you drank with your friends at the bar and once you all felt too unstable to sit at the stools you had migrated to the couches.

it was fun being able to relax and not worry about missions or early training or a certain blond man. even though you saw him when you first walked in at the beginning of the night, all you were focused on was having a good time and you weren't going to let anything ruin it for you.

you were currently sitting on the couch next to your friend with your head on her shoulder as you both giggled reminiscing about embarrassing stories from training.

when you couldn't take it anymore and your stomach hurt from laughing too much, you excused yourself to go find the restroom.

you left the tavern's main room and stumbled into the hallway with your eyes glued to the floor, still giggly from earlier.

as you turned the corner you felt yourself bump into someone and directed your gaze upwards, hands grabbing onto his biceps as you steady yourself.

"woah, you have really nice arms," you hiccuped as your admire the man in front of you.

he had a strong build and the size of them and the amount of scars that riddled his arms only further proved that.

"soldier? are you alright?"

you look up at the man in front of you and are met with the grand master himself.

you weren't sure if it's cause you were too drunk to care or if you just felt like you had been apart from him for too long, but you wanted to talk to him again.

"oh hi grand master," you smile up at him and see a worried look on his face as he examines the state of you.

he was trying his best to hide the fact that your compliment had heat spreading to his ears and he hoped you were too drunk to notice. he saw you drinking your heart out in the tavern earlier so he figured you would be less than sober.

"hello," he replies softly. "were you trying to go somewhere?"

"yes, i was looking for the bathroom," you nodded, "but then i ran into you, literally," you giggled to yourself.

"ah, i see. i'll walk you to it, then."

he was surprised that you were talking to him, but he wasn't going to take it for granted. especially after seeing the state that you were in, he would make sure to stay close.

"thank you, sir," you say as you cling to his arm and he walks you both down the hallway.

once you finish your business, you grab onto him again.

"ugh i'm so tired, but i'm starving," you mumble to yourself.

"have you eaten anything tonight?" he questions you, holding you softly as he memorizes the feeling of your skin on his.

"hmm. i ate lunch?"

he lets out a loud sigh.

"i'm taking you back to the tavern so you can eat something before you sleep, alright?"

"but i want to sleep," you complain.

he gives you a look and you know not to push any further.

"and you will, right after we get something in your stomach," he says and the tone of his voice has warmth spreading throughout your body. or was it the alcohol? you weren't completely sure, it could have been both.

he walks you back to the tavern and sits you down on one of the couches and tells you to stay put as he goes to grab something for you to eat.

he puts a plate down in front of you and stands off to the side but you gesture to the seat across from you and he's happy that you want him to sit near you.

varka gets comfy on the couch, legs spreading as he sits and your gaze flicks back and forth between the food on your plate and the absolute buffet sitting right across from you.

varka looked around the room at the state of his other knights. it seemed like most of the knights were going to be too drunk to remember anything clearly, so varka wasn't too worried about anyone watching him pay special attention to you for the night.

besides, they knew their grand master would never leave someone drunk to be responsible for themselves, he was just taking care of his knight.

"the food is really good," you look up at him as your mouth is stuffed with food and he just smiles at you.

"i'm glad you like it," he replies endearingly.

"would you like some, grand master?" you ask, holding the plate out for him.

infatuation would be an understatement for what varka feels. he was completely captivated by you on a normal day, but seeing how much your drunk self differed from the sober self that seemed to hate him? his heart hurt at how adorable you were.

he did feel a bit guilty that he was entertaining you, just a little.

he shakes his head, waving his hands in front of him.

"no, thank you. it's all yours to eat," he smiles at you and watches you shrug your shoulders and go back to eating.

once you finally finished eating, he helped you back to your room like the gentleman he is, of course.

you were glued to his side yet again, enjoying the way your hand felt wrapped around his arm.

you wondered what it would be like to hold him all the time.

when you finally arrived back at your door, varka turned to look at you.

"are you going to make it back to your bed okay?"

"of course i can. i'm not that drunk."

you waved him off as you opened the door but two steps in you found yourself tumbling over your feet.

varka was quick to grab you, hands steadying you as he helped you regain your balance.

"maybe you're just a little drunk, soldier," he laughs.

"not embarrassing at all," you say as you feel your cheeks heat up.

while he doesn't want to impose in your room, he also doesn't want to leave you hitting every surface and the ground before you even make it to your bed.

he helps you over to your bed and you settle onto it comfortably with a loud sigh.

"make sure to drink lots of water, okay?" he says as he looks down at you, patting your head almost instinctively.

"yea, yea. water got it," you reply as you're already burying your head against your pillow.

he laughs at how tired you seem to have gotten within the span of walking from the tavern to your room.

his hand is almost on your doorknob before he hears you mumble.

"grand master?"

"yes?" he turns to look at you and sees how your eyes are open again and you're staring back at him.

"thank you," you reply softly.

he smiles at you, you've never looked cuter.

your head is against your pillow, face half-squished and here you were staring at him like he was your entire world.

maybe he was.

"of course. just doing my duties," he says.

he gives a mock salute and leaves your room, smiling to himself as he closes the door.

you wake up the next morning with a massive headache, along with the embarrassing memories you have of being all touchy with the grand master.

you let out a groan, how could this have happened to you? you could've sworn you didn't drink more than you usually did. you didn't even want to think about how you would have to face the grand master.

if varka did remember anything you said or did, he definitely didn't act like it. you were grateful for that, you don't think you would've been able to handle it.

the rest of the nasha town break went by in a breeze. you explored with your friends, trying all sorts of restaurants and visiting new places, trying to truly take in the busy life in nod krai.

while the trip definitely did start off rocky, you were glad you had your friends by your side.

once again, your company found itself settled back at favonius keep. while abyssal attacks seemed to be slowing down, you knew it was never good to let your guard down completely, especially not while on duty.

the days seemed to drag on, and you ended up having a lot of time to think to yourself. your time as a knight had been incredibly enjoyable, but being so far away from your hometown was hard.

you made such good friends, explored so many new places and helped protect people but you missed home. you knew you definitely wanted to continue being a knight, but maybe you could spend some time back in mondstadt after the expedition ends. you would have to think on it more.

a few days later you found yourself at a campfire with all of the knights at the outpost, varka included.

most of the knights drank, while varka stayed sober to keep watch. after all, someone had to be. after your last drinking incident, you kept a close watch on your alcohol intake so you had only one beer, taking small sips to ensure you wouldn't go overboard.

you were enjoying everyone's company, smiling at how your friends always seemed to be having the times of their lives. the more you thought about them the more you realized you might not want to leave.

it was a difficult situation, your feelings kept going back and forth. you missed home but you knew you would miss the home you have here, the home you have with your friends, the knights, and varka.

varka.

you had caught his gaze across the fire after a particularly funny joke and you looked away quickly before you were able to see the way his lips quirked up into a small smile at your happiness.

you didn't mean to look, but the way his eyes peered over the beer he was drinking into yours had you feeling butterflies in your stomach.

he was glad you finally seemed to be enjoying yourself again.

as the campfire grew dimmer, most of the knights found themselves heading back to their tents.

while you normally would've left with the rest of them, you decided to stay with varka and watch the fire go out.

he was surprised to see that you remained seated after everyone was leaving, but he was happy nonetheless.

you two admire the night sky together, the only sounds being heard the crackling of the fire and the occasional animal somewhere close by.

you missed this. you missed him.

you never thought that you would take his company for granted and while you still felt awkward around him, you tried your hardest not to be.

you would miss him if you left. you knew that.

despite the recent distance between you two, you still wanted to confide in him. he was always there to talk with you, maybe he could help you figure things out.

"grand master?" you say, eyes flickering over to his across the fire and suddenly you realize he's too far away. you didn't just want to be closer, you needed to be.

he watches as you stand up and move to sit next to him and your foot starts tapping the ground nervously.

"everything okay?" he asks concerningly, you can tell by his tone that he senses something off about you.

you take a deep breath before turning towards him.

"about that night..." you wonder if he knows what you're talking about and the way his eyebrows slightly raise is only confirmation he hasn't forgotten.

"i'm truly sorry about making you take care of me. i shouldn't have gotten that drunk and it was my mistake and-"

"you didn't make me do anything," he cuts you off. "i had to make sure you were okay. what kind of grand master would i be if i didn't help out one of my knights?" he chuckles.

one of his knights.

that's all you were to him.

not something more, just a drunk knight who couldn't stand on their own two feet.

"right," you reply softly, your eyes directing themselves back to the fire.

"why are you mentioning it now?" he questions as he scratches his head.

he thinks back to that night. the way you refused to be away from him after running into him, the way you always had your hand wrapped around his arm. he craved to feel your touch like that again.

varka knew you were independent, you didn't need his help. you were perfectly capable of doing everything on your own. but the way he felt when you needed to depend on him was one that he knows he won't forget.

he liked feeling needed. needed by you.

you watch as the flames burn at the logs, the occasional ember flying off onto the ground. you're suddenly hyperaware of the smell of smoke and the way you can hear varka shifting in his seat.

"i've been thinking about leaving."

"leaving?" he fails to hide the surprise in his voice.

you couldn't seriously have been thinking about leaving, could you? a million thoughts run through his head and he wonders if he had any part in affecting your decision.

"yes. maybe. i mean, i'm still unsure but i kind of just wanted your opinion i guess?"

varka's advice was always helpful. it's like he knew what was best for you and he was always encouraging your decisions, telling you to do what you feel is best.

"don't leave," he says sharply.

your eyebrows raise and you look at him again. the firelight barely illuminates the veins in his arms as he tightly grips his mug.

you wait for him to elaborate and give a good reason for you to stay but he stays silent.

"is that your only input that you have to give?" you ask as you watch him stare at the fire.

he looks serious, his eyebrows are furrowed and he keeps his mouth shut.

"you always seem like you have something more to say but you never do. i'm having a hard time talking to you when you aren't opening up to me. i thought we were friends. that's why you're the only one who knows about this."

"i'm sorry, i just-" he pauses for a moment. "i can't say what i want to say. it would be... improper of me."

"improper? what could possibly be so improper that you can't say it out loud?"

you didn't even realize the way you slightly raised your voice or the way that varka just sat there, taking in all the things you had to say to him.

he takes a deep breath and looks at you.

"i promise it's not on purpose. i just don't want you to get hurt. if you want to leave, i won't stop you."

"well, it's too late, grand master. because i already feel hurt."

you're so frustrated with him you stand up and start walking away.

you hear a sigh then a quiet 'good night' from the man still sitting at the fire and you wonder to yourself how could someone possibly be so aggravating?

varka buries his head in his hands as you walk back to your tent. he was so close to admitting how he felt about you. why didn't he just get it over with? you might be leaving, it could be the last time he sees you for a long time.

no, he can't have that.

he can't lose you.

as improper as his actions may become, he needed to tell you the truth.

you made it back to your tent, throwing yourself on the bed with a loud groan. varka was unbelievable.

you apologize for your extremely embarrassing behavior, ask him for advice and hope he gives some like a good friend and all he says is some vague answer? you couldn't take it anymore.

you hear someone pacing outside your tent and you sit up immediately, wondering who was creeping outside.

you grab the sword next to your bed and call out.

"who is it?"

"...varka."

you stand up quickly and unzip the tent and sure enough the grand master is standing in front of it.

"can i help you, grand master?" you spit out.

he doesn't say anything as he steps inside, closing the tent once again.

"what the hell? what are you doing?"

he was being so weird but you knew he wasn't drunk so that wasn't even a possibility. he steps towards you and you don't find yourself stepping back.

"i'm sorry for earlier, i really am. if you really want to leave, i'll respect your decision. but we will all miss you," he pauses. "i will miss you."

you're speechless to say the least.

'i will miss you.' his words are already playing over and over again in your head.

he stares down at you and the look in his eyes is unreadable.

you can barely see his features from the candlelight on your nightstand but he still looks beautiful, he always does.

he moves closer again, right in front of you and he lifts his hand up slowly, you can barely see the trembling of it as he plants it on your face, his thumb stroking your cheek softly.

"grand master?" you barely breathe out.

"please don't call me that," he almost groans.

his eyes meet yours and slowly look down at your lips and you subconsciously part them.

he licks his lips and looks back up at you, his head slowly leaning forward to meet yours.

"tell me not to do this," he says quietly.

he's hoping for you to say no. if he finally gets to have you in the way he's been wanting, you need to be prepared for the fact that he is never going to let you leave his side.

"this is improper. me holding you like this, thinking about you in ways that i shouldn't. tell me not to kiss you," he demands.

you should say no. you should push him away and tell him to go back to his tent. this was unprofessional. it wasn't right.

your eyes stare back into his and you can feel his hand still on your cheek, hear the way he starts breathing heavier.

"varka," you finally address him by his name. "please."

he curses under his breath.

one word is all it took for varka's lips to capture yours.

he leans into you with a groan, his lips meeting yours softly as his other arm wraps itself around your waist and he pulls you close.

the only word that came even close to describing what you were feeling right now was 'perfect.'

he starts off slow and gentle, almost like he's nervous he'll hurt you.

once your hands find themselves entangled in his hair and he feels you pulling him closer, he lets out an almost animalistic groan and he kisses you harder.

his tongue swipes between your lips, desperately attemping to feel your own.

he bites down on your lip and you let out a whine that has his hips pushing into yours as he shoves his tongue into your mouth.

you feel so dizzy you can barely breathe, all you want is to feel his mouth all over you.

varka feels you start to pull away slightly and he takes his lips off yours to let you catch your breath. he wastes no time in kissing all over your cheeks, down your jaw and down to your neck.

his hand shoves your shirt off your shoulder and he wastes no time in biting down on your neck.

you let out a moan and your grip in his hair tightens as you pull his face up and the only way you could describe the look in his eyes was needy.

it was like his lips on your body was his life support. he never wanted to stop.

"to the bed," you breathe out.

"are you sure?" he asks, his hands skimming all over your waist.

you nod quickly.

"words," he demands.

"yes, i'm sure," you reply desperately and he lifts you up and gently plants you on the bed.

he completely towers over you. you stare up at him as he hastily shrugs his jacket off and throws it somewhere.

he crawls over you, kissing you softly as his hands travel under the hem of your shirt and he slowly starts lifting it up.

"is this okay?" he asks.

"yes," you kiss his cheek.

he takes your shirt off and leans back to admire you.

his eyes trail over your chest and all he can do is groan.

"so beautiful," he murmurs.

he pulls his own shirt off, exposing his bare chest and you can barely contain yourself.

there were scars all over his chest that contrasted his smooth skin. maybe to some it wouldn't be such a pretty sight, but to you he was perfect.

you hesitantly reach your hands out to his chest and he nods in approval. you trace all over his scars softly, running your hands over his pecs and down to his abs.

varka groans at the way your touch feels featherlight against him, shutting his eyes as he focuses only on your hands.

he's surprised when he feels your lips on him, kissing all over his chest.

you kiss his scars, kiss up to his broad shoulders and kiss down to his abs.

"you're beautiful," you say softly and heat immediately rushes to his cheeks, a small smile as he gazes down at you.

he catches your lips again, leaning down as he pushes you on your back and crawls on top of you.

he cradles your head in one hand and his hand teases the hem of your pants, slowly unzipping them and pulling them off, along with your underwear.

varka brings his hand down softly, his eyes fixed on yours as he watches your reaction.

his rough hands touch you so gently. you're the most precious thing to him and he wants to make sure you're enjoying it, enjoying him.

he takes his time in savoring you. touching you in all the right places.

your moans only fuel him further and he never wanted to forget them. he was making you feel like this. only him, nobody else.

"that feel good?" he asks roughly, but he already knows his answer.

your eyes are shut from pleasure and you can't see the way he stares at you and you nod.

"so good, varka," you whine and if only you knew what that did to him.

you moaning his name out like that and writhing from his hands, you were a beautiful sight.

your hips buck into his hand and he grins at your neediness.

"mmm that's it," he groans, his own hips grinding into the mattress as he watches you.

when you finally come, you open yours eyes and watch as varka's eyes lock onto yours, his hand making his way to his mouth and he licks his fingers and the sight is completely filthy.

when it's his turn to take off his pants, your eyes widen at the sight and varka senses your surprise.

"varka, i'm not sure you'll fit..." you say quietly and he shakes his head.

"we'll make it fit, don't worry," he leans down and kisses your cheek.

he strokes himself softly, groaning at the way you stare up at him.

he lines himself up onto your entrance, eyes locked onto yours.

"tell me if it's too much, okay?"

"okay," you say, breathing out slowly as you try to relax yourself.

you feel him slowly sink into you, the stretch feeling almost too much. your eyes start to water and he immediately stops, wiping the wetness from your eyes.

"keep going, i'm okay," you reassure him.

he pushes into you again, your warmth enveloping him and he groans once he's fully inside.

he lets you adjust to his size, kissing all over your jaw.

his hand goes down to touch you, letting you focus on how good his hands feel and not the discomfort.

he feels you squeeze around him involuntarily and he moans.

"c-can i move now?" he says shakily.

"yes, please," you beg.

his hands grip your hips and he begins to rock himself back slowly and both of you moan at the feeling.

he grunts in your ear as he moves and you can't even tell where you end and he begins.

you look up at him and see he's looking to where you both meet, eyes locked onto the messy sight.

varka feels you staring and his eyes meet yours and he speaks.

"you feel so good, baby," he can barely get out and he can't stop himself from caging you between his arms and he dips down to kiss you.

he's completely overwhelmed with the thought of you. every time he moves inside of you he memorizes the way that you feel around him.

you kiss him back softly, wrapping your arms around his neck to hold him close.

he changes his angle and it has you crying out and he only kisses you harder, swallowing each of your moans.

you can hear him moaning against you, both of you close.

you squeeze around him again and your eyes flutter and you barely pull away enough to tell him you're close, not wanting to stop kissing him.

"me too," he says roughly. "can feel you squeezing around me, baby, so good for me."

you moan at his praise and it sends you over the edge, your vision filling with stars as he keeps grinding into you.

he comes not long after, thrusting into you deep as he spills inside of you.

he stays caging you between his arms, breathing deeply as he catches his breath. he doesn't want to move from this moment.

he looks down at you again and softly smiles and you can only smile back.

you soon find yourselves cuddling together, his arm draped over your waist as he holds you close.

you both knew there was no coming back from this, neither of you wanted to.

and that was just the beginning of it.

the two of you were completely happy with your newfound relationship, but you decided to keep it secret for now.

varka told you his concerns and you agreed with him.

you'd be lying if you said you didn't like sneaking around with the grand master.

you would catch his eyes staring at you as you talked with a recruit, laughing loudly at an unfunny joke just to rile him up.

his eyes would narrow at you trying to make him jealous on purpose, but it would still work, nonetheless.

when he finally drags you off to an empty tent, he pulls you into him roughly.

"is this what you wanted? wanted to rile me up on purpose and see what i'd do?"

he'd growl it into your ear as his hands found their place on your waist and you'd look at him innocently acting like you had no idea what he was talking about.

on nights where most of the camp was either too drunk or too engrossed in the drunk knights' antics to notice your absence, varka would grab your hand softly as he led you to his tent.

he would kiss you passionately and one night where he was particularly demanding, he picked you up and planted you on his desk roughly.

you yelped in surprise which had him pulling away immediately.

"did i hurt you?" he asked while looking like an adorable puppy, a frown on his face at the thought of causing harm to you.

you shook your head and just laughed.

"just surprised me, is all," you grinned back at him before you pulled him in close to kiss him.

he shoved all the important papers to the side carelessly, only focusing on you and making you feel good.

it was completely wrong of him to take an interest in you outside of your abilities as a knight.

you were a bright-eyed recruit, excited to protect mondstadt and explore teyvat.

you were extremely skilled at anything thrown at you and you quickly flew through training. of course, people talked and you were quickly recommended to be dispatched with the grand master's company.

you were ecstatic, obviously. a freshly trained knight becoming a member of the company the grand master directly oversees? that was something you were bragging about to all of your friends and family.

you had never seen him for yourself but you had heard of all his feats and how strong he was.

both of your parents had been knights and spoke about him in incredibly high regard. while you knew that he could be intimidating, he was a considerate man who just wanted the best for his knights.

you had to hold back your jaw from dropping when he introduced himself to you for the first time. you were expecting someone to grab you to let you introduce yourself to him, but what you weren't expecting was for him to find you after a long training day.

you were laying down on the grass basking in the sun when you heard footsteps approaching.

"would you like some water?" a voice said and you open your eyes to see a devastatingly handsome man holding out a bottle.

"yes please, thank you so much," you smile up at him and take the water.

"i'm grand master varka, pleased to meet your acquaintance. i've heard a lot about you, seems like everyone's taken a notice to your skills."

you shoot up at his statement. he was the grand master? and here you were laying on the ground casually letting him lean down to offer you a drink.

you stand up quickly and introduce yourself and you feel the heat rising to your cheeks.

varka can sense your hurriedness and he just chuckles.

"no need to be so formal, soldier. everyone's been resting, it would rude of me to intrude and expect you to immediately stop relaxing. 'specially on a day like this," he says as he looks up at the sky, a content sigh leaving his lips.

"sorry," you quickly apologize. "wasn't expecting to meet you like this. i do not feel prepared at all," you laugh nervously.

"ah no worries. everyone's like that when they first meet me. feels good when they finally relax and allow themselves not to be so stiff around me."

you can only find yourself nodding at his words, taking in how he looks. the sun beams down on him and he looks gorgeous. his eyes are closed and he has a small smile on his face. the sunlight hits his hair perfectly and his blond strands glow, moving freely with the wind.

you were definitely doomed.

months passed and you found yourself growing closer with not only the other company members but the grand master, as well.

you didn't know it, but you were easily one of his favorite knights, if not number one. you didn't need to have orders yelled at you multiple times. you were smart and decisive, always putting the knights and their safety first. everyone liked having you around, you were the perfect addition.

during a particularly stressful mission, you and a few other knights found yourself cornered with not enough weapons for the monsters you were dealing with.

to put it simply, you were confident you were going to lose. you weren't going to just give up and go out without a fight but the odds were not looking to be in your favor. with most of the knights sustaining moderate injuries, it wasn't crazy for you to assume that their survival would rely on you. everyone was hurt and tired and it showed.

they swung their swords carelessly which only ended up tiring them out more.

as more monsters closed in on the group, all you could think about was how you didn't want to die.

you don't know how it happened, but it seemed to happen in the blink of an eye. one minute you were marching towards the monsters and the next they were all dead.

exhaustion hit you like a truck and you collapsed on the ground, sword still clasped in your hand.

when varka and his group had rendezvoused with yours, he felt his heart sink as he saw you collapsed on the ground. the knights around you were clutching their injuries and groaning in pain, too occupied with themselves to realize help had arrived.

varka practically leaped off his horse, rushing towards you. he was relieved to find you still breathing and he was up in an instant barking orders to help get your group back to camp.

when you finally woke up, you were in the medical tent. the sight scared you for a second and you immediately looked down at yourself checking for injuries.

you let out a sigh as you realized you were unharmed and slumped back against the pillow.

not soon later a nurse came in to check on you. she confirmed that you were uninjured, you had just collapsed from exhaustion. you were expected to rest in bed until dinner, ensuring that you were fit to move around.

once it was time to eat, you slowly made your way to the others. you make eye contact with a few knights and their eyes light up and everyone erupts in cheers.

they pat you softly on the back, telling you how amazing it was you defeated all those monsters by yourself and how you definitely should drink to celebrate.

you smile at their praises and sit down, only focused on getting some food in your stomach.

of course while you had food in your mouth, you felt a pat on your back and turned to see one of your superiors.

"grand master varka wants to speak with you once you're done eating."

you almost drop the food in your mouth as you nod and quickly finish up your plate.

you head over to varka's tent and see him sitting at his desk buried in thought.

you admire him for a moment but your arm brushes against the side of the tent and his eyes shoot up and meet yours.

"soldier," he greets.

you clear your throat nervously, positive that he knew you were staring.

"grand master, you wanted to speak with me?"

"yes, i did. are you feeling okay?" his voice is soft, warm.

"i am, thank you."

he nods and stands up.

"i'm glad. it was incredible what you pulled off back there. the other knights told me how you protected them."

"i was just doing my duty, sir."

he sucks in a breath and his eyes look down at the papers on his desk for a moment before looking back up at you.

"well, you did a damn good job. not many people would've been able to pull that off."

"thank you, sir."

he swallows.

he stares at you for a moment and you look away nervously, the eye contact too much for you. you fail to see the way his gaze lowers to your lips.

"is that all?" you ask softly.

"you have somewhere to be, soldier?"

your eyes widen and you immediately throw your hands up in defense.

"no, no i just-" his laugh cuts you off and you realize he was just messing with you and you let out a sigh of relief.

"you're dismissed. thank you for your hard work today," he replies with a smile.

you give him a nod and turn around and walk out of his tent. you have to pause once you're out of his sight and you let out a deep sigh.

you hoped you did a good job of hiding the way his approval made you feel.

he spoke so highly of you, it felt nice to have him seem worried about you. was he just worried about one of his knights or was he worried about you?

you quickly brush those thoughts out of your head. of course, he was worried about you. you were one of his best performing knights.

you were still standing off to the side of his tent when you feel someone bump into you from behind.

you turn around and see the grand master and he looks surprised to see you still nearby.

he clears his throat before speaking.

"sorry soldier. didn't see you there. thought you'd have left by now."

you can't help but look at his lips, even if only for a second. you hoped that he didn't notice.

he did.

"i-i was just leaving," you reply and try to get out of the situation as quickly as possible.

you look down at the ground and turn to leave for real this time but his voice stops you in your tracks.