Things I Learned From Cosmo

This article is written by a guy, Josh, so you know it's all true. Josh writes,

Everywhere you look, there's a new list of tips on how to "Drive Him Wild!" The message they send? "Hey, girls, if you'd only try harder, he'll like you more." But actually, most guys I know are pretty simple. 

Josh knows what's up. Women definitely project "try-hard" auras that are total buzzkills. I mean, why are they putting in so much effort? It's not like we live in a patriarchical society that thrives on putting women down and judging them for literally everything, especially in relation to whether or not they are pleasing men at all times? That would be a barbaric place to live! And yet, Josh says we have a tendency to listen to advice like...

1. Join him in his prework morning shower.

A guy's gut reaction: Oh, you mean the only 10 minutes of alone time I get all day?

Why it's not that sexy: This might be the only time all day a guy isn't dying for sex. ... There's nothing like getting ready for work with a round of awkward shower sex.

It's almost unheard of that women would try to invade a guy's space by trying to seduce him. Um, boundaries much? And how clueless can women be? This is literally the only time of the day guys don't want sex. So why not just wait until they're almost out the door, cramming some pop tarts in their mouth, then pounce on his dick and make him super late to work? That's sexy. 

And that's just the beginning...

2. Strongly hint that you're in the mood, then play hard to get and make him work at seducing you. 

A guy's gut reaction: Just what a guy wants when he gets home from work: more work.

WHy it's not that sexy: The Chase is a game for those who've just met. ... One of the great perks of a long-term relationship is the sure-thing sex. ... We worked hard to catch you in the first place, so let's just enjoy the fruits of our labor.

Look, guys don't want to deal with that "girl logic" that y'all have going on. You want sex, you don't, you want them to work for it, whatever. Nobody wants to play your vicious lady-mind games! How considerate are you? 

Let's think about this for a second: guys have worked REALLY hard to "catch" us in the first place. They, like, got dressed. And paid for your food. That automatically means you owe them sex. So stop trying to "play" like you aren't just going to give it up. Relationships = sure-thing sex = stop annoying your dude and just climb on his dick. 

3. Make love in front of a mirror so you can see every erotic angle of each other's bodies.

A guy's gut reaction: It's the nonerotic angles we're afraid of.

Why it's not that sexy: When you're scrutinizing every bit of action unfolding in the mirror, you'll likely see some seriously nonsexy angles.

As much as dudes might be worried that they'll be seeing their own "nonsexy" angles, what's really scary is this: they could see YOU in an unflattering way! And that's totally gross. If it isn't porn-star perfect, then it's a waste of time. And sex. So stop. 

4. Wear a top with a million little buttons and slowly undo them while he watches.

A guy's gut reaction: Is it cool if I watch baseball till you finish?

Why it's not that sexy: Sure, most guys enjoy a striptease, but there's a reason strippers don't wear tops like that. ... Guys like when you take off your clothes, but it's better if it doesn't take half an inning to get to the main event. 

This one is part of what's so brilliant about this article. While Josh is telling us all the thing we're doing WRONG, he's also telling us what we should be doing INSTEAD. It's totally meta and brilliant. Like, yeah, your shirt with all the buttons totally sucks, but guys like stripteases, so definitely do that. I'm onto you, Joshie, and I'm loving these subtle tips! I hope you're all taking notes!

That said, Josh has a point: if you're going to do a striptease, don't make him wait. His time is precious, babe, and he'd much rather be watching baseball than paying you any attention -- unless, of course, you're naked. So let's get to it, mmkay, and then be a good little girl and make him some dinner? 

5. Buy a super-pricey, super-vampy little lingerie for his eyes only.

A guy's gut reaction: The only time a guy notices lingerie is when it's hard to take off.

Why it's not that sexy: The one hot thing about lingerie is the mystery of what's underneath. If I already know what's under there, then what's the point?

So this one's a little tricky. Lingerie is good when you're just starting out, but only until you've had sex. Once you've already had sex, then he already knows what's under those clothes, and it's not even worth it to box your stuff up all nice. Guys just don't care. Either walk around naked, or go away. 

6. Stick a silk scarf in his bag with a note that reads, "You're going to need this later tonight" 

A guy's gut reaction: Why, is it gonna be cold out? 

Why it's not that sexy: Scarves have no place at sexytime. The same goes for most supposedly sexy props. ... Most of us don't know what to make of silk scarves and all that stuff, and the last thing we want in bed is to be confused. 

This is Josh's nice way of saying: guys are really fucking stupid. I mean, not more stupid than women are, but still pretty dumb. They are simple beings, and they like naked ladies, sports, beer, and meaty foods. Regardless of whether using props during sex turns YOU on, the fact is that it will confuse your partner, and possibly ruin the mood. Then you'll really be in trouble.

7. Read each other torrid passages from erotic books.

A guy's gut reaction: You know there's free porn online, right?

Why it's not that sexy: The average guy... [is] constantly being hit over the head with sex. The effect is that it's dulled our senses. We don't want to read a bedtime story. 

Again: it doesn't matter how you feel about these tactics, if they aren't turning on your partner, then they aren't worth your time. Remember that. Chant it. Tattoo it on your arm. Guys want REAL sex, not some over-the-top spoken word version. 

Josh really is doing us all a favor by laying these anti-rules (laced with subtle OTHER rules) out for us ladies. We are so totally clueless otherwise!