Thin Disguise

There are many things that I miss and it's a huge sense of loss that fills up in me. It's almost like like I'm grieving for those moments to come back.

My first visit to Makkah back in 2019 was smth I didn't expect. It was so surreal. We were on the bus heading to our hotel located near Masjidil Haram. I've only gotten a glimpse of the bright lights shining from the Masjid and it sent goosebumps all over my body. Tears just started to flow and it didn't stop until I've reached the hotel. I was so overwhelmed with whatever I was feeling at that time. And it just kept happening again and again whenever I saw the Ka'abah. I felt a sense of relief followed by a huge heartache of how much of a muslim I've been. I just felt like the time we spent there was insufficient and I long to be there again. However, I do know that it'll be a much different experience from now on.

Eversince having a baby, I lost the ability to hold a proper conversation with anyone. I'm constantly distracted and will slowly lose interest and peel away from any conservation. Be it with my own self or others. Whenever my toddler comes in, I'd just give all my attention to her. Not to mention, even when she's not in the same room, all the planning and things related to family or her, will be at the back of my head. I think that's what made me lose so much of myself and ppl around me.