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Unfortunately, it’s true that when you become “self obsessed” the world starts paying more attention to you
By self obsessed, I don’t mean thinking you’re better than everyone else or making everything about you
I mean becoming deeply invested in your own life. Prioritizing your growth, your health, your goals, your peace, and your happiness. Building a life that excites you instead of constantly wondering what everyone else thinks
Ironically, the less you chase attention, the more magnetic you become. People are naturally drawn to someone who knows who they are, has purpose, and isn’t looking for validation from everyone around them
So maybe “self obsessed” isn’t the right word. Self connected is
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try try try again! in a different way, at a different time of day, at a different capacity, with a different source of learning materials. try! try! again and again!
Well, in my defence I was too overwhelmed and didn’t even have time to think these days…
So, I did my finals!! i graduated! Yay!
Unfortunately I got an 80/100….. I aimed for at least a 90/100 but it’s fine either way ig.
I was too stressed.
Let me explain:
The finals here are like this: 2 written exams like essays about two different subjects, and then a sort of speaking test/interrogation(?)
Before I did my first essay, I cried at home. Not sure why, I just cried in my mom’s bed at like 6am.
I went to school and did my exam in peace, even if it was quite impossible to give my all since the classroom was too hot. I bought a little fan to at least be able to concentrate for few minutes.
Second essay, I didn’t cry at home. I didn’t feel like it was needed now.
Wrong.
I cried in class… I said to my teachers literally: it is not possible that I can’t understand this fucking assignment, be serious!!
After my tears I calmed down and got to work, but obviously I didn’t get a good grade, I just passed.
The speaking part went super well!! My teachers also complimented me!!
However, it wasn’t enough to get a better grade. I am happy either way.
I wasn’t really happy when I got my result last week because I had found out that two classmate used chatgpt for their essays.
I’m not really mad that they were able to cheat, I’m mad at the fact that five teachers were inside our small classroom to supervise and didn’t do their job. What are you there for?
But alas, who cares now that it is done? Even if we said anything, there was a possibility for the whole class to remake the test, and who wants to go through that stress again? Everyone got good/decent results so… no need.
I am happy to have finished school. I am scared to start university. That is a whole new world! And I am socially awkward around new people! I’ll try to find a way this summer….
Today, (I am on vacation) I was able to chat with a woman from Bosnia, and I wasn’t awkward, anxious, self conscious or embarrassed! Like at all!
But I feel like I am more anxious about the judgement of people my age, idk.
No, joking, I do know that I am anxious around my peers.
I fear judgment, and I become awkward and graceless.
I bought Anna Karenina!! I really like it so far, hope it’s a happy ending, I’ve never read it or watched the movie, but I like books!!
I don’t think I have anything else to say, so I’ll just leave substack readings and a song :
how pick-me culture quietly evolved into pseudo-intellectualism and the performance of better taste
If you enjoy essays written by someone who spends an unreasonable amount of time thinking about these things so you don't have to, consider
I feel like I’ll kept the digital diary, even if I said that it would be something to document my last days of high school. I had a lot of fun with those few posts that I made!!
to procrastinate is to willingly endure the discomfort of stagnancy, rather than the discomfort of action!!!! both are burdens to the flesh but only one leads to development
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These are my last days of school, so I’m documenting them to just.. have them yk.
Feel free to correct any mistake as English isn’t my first language
10/06/2026
Okay so, Monday 8 was officially my last day of school. I’ve cried so much these days, because I don’t think I’m ready to grow up.
I’m still 19, it’s a silly age. No responsibility, no nothing, just fuck around and find out. Actually, my only responsibility is actually to focus on my finals, which are probably next week? Idk, the school still didn’t give us the dates.. weird I know.
Either way, as I was saying school officially ended (not high school overall, I still have those finals) and I cried a lot.
I’ll miss my friends.
I’ll miss my classmates. Even those that I don’t really like.
I’ll miss my teachers, the janitors, the little moments waiting at the coffee machine..
Hell, I’ll even miss my teachers.
I cried because of them.
I cry because with college/university, I’ll lose everyone.
I am a shy person, the awkward type. I’m actually really nice if you get to know me.. but that’s the problem. It takes too much for me to just be.. me. So I end up looking awkward, closed off, introverted and with a “I hate everything” look
Which is not true! I love everything, I don’t know why that is what I give off to people!
Maybe an answer is because I always self doubt and self sabotage, I feel like everyone actually hates me and only tolerates me because they have me in class and just feel bad, which I know is not true.. but I see things, and I doubt.
I think I’ll fall out of my group. I hope not. I truly truly hope not, because without them, I don’t have anyone.
I’ll see.
I think this is the first time I have been vulnerable for anyone to see.
Maybe because I can’t see who’s reading, that helps I think.
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