Welcome To My Life

I’m deeply afraid. In just a short few months so much has changed, this new reality that has taken hold feels like some silly naive daydream. I think I’m so frightened to be awoken and realize it was nothing but a dream that I can’t experience this sensation of happiness to the fullest. So much has happened in so little time that I’m beginning to question my sanity. I think of the past and draw out comparisons when I know I shouldn’t. But it’s all I have to go based off of, to see where differences or similarities may lie. I think of my mistakes and the promises I’ve made only to be broken and feel so torn. It was in those moments I did very much mean every word, but now that time has passed and we’ve changed, those words hold no meaning. It’s not to say I lied, I swear I did mean it. But I was still holding onto a reality that had long died out. A reality that no longer existed or ever existed to begin with. My reality is that we were strangers from the start because now I don’t know what it is I feel for you. It’s not resentment, it’s not nostalgia, it’s not love, it’s really nothing more than curiosity and questioning. Why did I ever like you to begin with? I can’t say, but I’m sure at the start I had an answer. Now that I’ve shed that old skin and have been reborn into this new life, I’ve been able to encounter many more unpleasant or fond experiences. Each one teaching me a greater lesson than the previous, and somewhere along the way I stumbled upon him. He scares me greatly. I think it’s solely because he’s the image of everything I ever wanted but was never fortunate to be given. The sincerity scares me greatly: the gentleness, the patience, the tenderness of it all. I want to better myself for him. I want to be the best version of me that I can be. But bad habits die hard, and I must really push past my limits to pursue this future. That’s what scares me, am I even capable?

I told myself it wouldn’t matter. But now that I was forced to witness it against my will, I see how much it has put into perspective. It’s not like I’m sad because you’re moving on. I’m happy you’re happy. I mean, yes, partially I’m sad that it was never me, that everything you’re giving her is everything I ever begged for. But I always knew, in the back of my mind I knew you didn’t love me the way I loved you. So that’s okay, because at the end of the day it was my fault for trying to convince myself otherwise. Although, the reason I’m so upset is because you’re moving on while I’m still stuck here. You get to be happy and I get to live with PTSD and trauma. I get to go to sleep every night waking up in tears or so anxious because of nightmare after nightmare. I get to remain here, with so much guilt and shame. I’m still here, waiting for my happiness. And I hate to say it, to even think it, but it’s unfair. What did I do to deserve this level of despair and agony? Maybe this is my karma, this is just what I was destined for. To watch everyone and everything move on forward whilst I watch and wither away. I don’t get to be happy. Time and time again life has shown me, happiness just isn’t something I deserve. It really does put it all into perspective. I’m worthless. Always have been, always will be. Maybe life is pushing in the direction I meant to go in, six feet under. If life is so bad, maybe death will treat me better. Maybe that’s why the days are growing worse by the second. It’s a sign, for me to give up. Happy days are not ahead. It’s not like anyone would understand anyways. I guess all this pain and trauma and every shitty day lived really does make it easier to say goodbye. Who would miss misery?

I feel more alone than ever. I think about how naive I truly must be and how I take everything for face value. It’s disheartening, just wanting to find joy in others just to be let down. The connection has been severed and now I’m starting to question myself more than ever, while insecurity makes its way into my already anxious mind. “You’re just not good enough,” I keep reminding myself of that sentiment. “You’ll never be.” Reassuring myself that I truly am just an accident placed in this world. I feel so hallow and so devoid of happiness and yet I still remain breathing, as if every breath I take is worth the waste of oxygen. I’m just taking up room. Because let’s be honest with ourselves for once, or shall I say let me be honest with myself… if I were to one day disappear, who would even notice? No one. Not a single soul. I don’t really have friends. I mean I do, but me disappearing wouldn’t be alarming. It wouldn’t matter. If I disappeared today, it’d take years for anyone to notice if they were to notice at all. Why waste anymore time, why waste anymore space, why waste resources and such. Why waste what I bet others would be grateful for. Maybe I just need to start giving up completely, and stop trying. Trying has gotten me nowhere with nothing and with no one. Trying has only ever caused problems. Maybe it’s time to give up and call it quits. Maybe it’s time to say goodbye. Time and time again I’m shown I’m disposable, so maybe it’s time to dispose myself and save everyone the trouble. I don’t see anything. The future is black as it’s always been, I just didn’t think I’d linger on as long as I have. I’m sorry for wasting everyone’s time. I think I should start preparing. I guess until next time, bye.

Jesus Christ, I will die all alone.

“The way that you left me is alright, it’s alright.”

I look at old pictures and videos of myself and feel so defeated. So many wasted years. I’ve changed. This was from two years ago but even so I feel so disconnected from whoever is pictured here. I feel even more pathetic than usual. I close my eyes and just think when is it all going to be over. I wonder if I’ll ever get to experience happiness again, having everything in the palm of my hands and feeling like life is truly worth living. I haven’t felt that in a while, years even. Every day is a sad repetitive cycle of pain, stress, and sadness. I have nowhere to escape to, even my own mind has been infiltrated with overwhelming nonsense. Truly, I’m alone.

I’m an idiot in every way possible. Gave one guy a chance and fell for his lies. How dumb of me. We were supposed to see one another today but lately he’s been weird and non-responsive. I guess this is his way of ghosting me. I confronted him about it and he said he wasn’t, that he was just going through a lot in his personal life and he was busy. But how busy can one person truly be to not even send out one text message saying, I don’t know, maybe a, “hey sorry can’t talk much today I’m going to be busy.” Whatever, I’m done trying anymore. I’m done dating. I’m done with everyone and everything. I rather be alone then lead on. It doesn’t take much to communicate or be straightforward, all I expect is honesty. And if you can’t give me that, then I want nothing to do with you. Goodbye. Good riddance. It might be a crappy feeling but at least I know where I stand.

Sometimes I wonder, if I’m ever truly worth it. Mixed signals are just so infuriating to deal with, not knowing what someone is truly thinking. Sometimes I wish people were completely straightforward. If I’m not worth it then I rather you be honest than drag me along, make me feel comfortable and wanted, and then suddenly hit me with, “sorry I just don’t see you that way.” Then why even bother to begin with. I’m tired. I rather be alone in my solitude than lonely when surrounded by dozens. I’m tired of meeting new people and this cycle beginning all over again. I’m tired of reintroducing myself and getting over that awkward hurdle. I just want peace. If that’s alone then so be it, peace I rather have alone if that’s all that there is to offer. If I’m not worth it, then so be it, I’m worth being alone. Only I will ever understand myself fully. Only I can make myself happy. For once in my life, the only thing I can truly offer myself is freedom. Free from all these “what ifs” and every overwhelming thought that lingers afterwards. It’d be nice to have someone to share this lifetime adventure with, but there is no one then at least I have me.

I really am just a fool. I fall for it every time without fail, over nonsensical words from a man. And here I am, looking stupid as ever. At this point I think I’m officially done. Maybe it was all out of pity. Maybe it was a dare. Maybe you were too embarrassed to say anything. I can’t imagine it being all in my own head. I’ve learned all too well from my previous relationship what silence means. How could we go from texting almost everyday to nothing at all? I’m so stupid. Of course I’m not good enough. As if I could ever be. Silly of me to dream and latch onto your meaningless words. Silly of me to fall for empty promises. Silly of me to be hopeful and open up a little. Maybe I’ll just never be good enough to be wanted by anyone. At this point I don’t even want me. I wish I wasn’t me. I wish I could be someone else. Why does this hurt more than my previous relationship? Maybe because it truly puts into perspective that my ex is right, I’m worthless. As much as I wanted things to work out, I should know my place in this world. I’m alone. I always have been and I always will be. It’s okay. It’s not like I ever really had anyone to begin with. So it doesn’t matter. I do it to myself. I just need to continue being on my own and stop trying to pursue relationships or friendships or to even involve myself with people in any degree. It just never works out. There’s always going to be someone prettier, smarter, funnier, and better in every way. That’s just not me. So I’ll keep to myself. It’s not like if I disappeared anyone would notice. So I guess here’s to another stupid life lesson I have to remind myself of over and over again, be alone and trust no one.

Maybe I’m not enough. I should end things before I get too deeply involved and can’t turn back. Whether it’s me or this doubt I have that lingers in the back of my mind, I can’t help but feel on edge. I feel unworthy. I feel guilty. And I feel like this is all too good to be true. I’m no one after all. He made sure to remind me. He made sure before he disappeared without a trace that I knew my worth. This life is not for me. Either I am not enough or that man will be my worst nightmare. My life has never been simple or easy or happy. So why should I expect it now? I need to slowly let go and depart. I’m sure he’ll be fine. I’m sure he’ll only see the worst of me and want no part of it. I’m no one. Nothing special. This is what I deserve after all, for not keeping my prior word. These are the consequences of me betraying my word.

It’s been quite some time since I last posted on here. All I can say is that life is definitely a roller coaster. Life isn’t exactly what I envisioned, as if I envisioned anything really. But it’s much more chaotic in a way I wish it wasn’t. My job sucks the life out of me every second it can. I literally feel like I’m being drained from the inside out, until I just wither away completely. I think that’s the only thing that’s really harboring all this misery I feel. Yeah, there’s other nuisances in life but nothing compares to the stress I deal with at work. It’s quite hysterical to think about, how I left nearly a year ago my old job to find peace of mind. It’s so funny because now I’ve met an even worst position, one I couldn’t even imagine. The hostility, lack of professionalism, the mental abuse, all of it is insane. But for now I just wait and see where I’ll wonder off to next. I’m hoping to leave and find another job, somewhere not so terrible or mentally exhausting.

I’m going insane.