While I was washing the dishes today, I came across another revelation. To give you a mental picture, when these types of thoughts strike me, I'm usually rendered useless as I helplessly drift away on a tangential life raft; try picturing me like Christopher Walken in the "The Dead Zone" when he gets a vision, but less scared looking and more zombie-like. Got it in your head? Good! Then we can move forward and talk about my revelation. I've found that when you apply the five pillars of Fleming's Detective Handbook- this book will be my crowning achievement someday- to someone's dishwashing habits, it gives you a detailed psychological profile of the subject. To restate that: the how, when, where, why, and what of washing dishes will lead us to the who. Pretty exciting, right? Let me walk you through it so you can try profiling a loved one or, if you dare, (bum bum bum!) yourself! To make this a little easier on you, I'll use myself as an example.
When and Why does the act of dishwashing occur?
Ahhh, it's crime time and you're looking for a motive. There are too many reasons for one to clean dishes to count. Thus, as important as this one is, it might not be easy to get a straight answer out of your subject. Even if you ask them directly, the dishman may lie out of foolish pride (shame).
For me, I rarely start washing dishes solely due to the fact that we're out of clean ones. I've had milk go bad because I didn't have clean bowls for putting cereal into. It was an acceptable loss. I generally do dishes for one of two reasons. Usually, it's because there's something important in my life (like homework or tax preparation) that I need an excuse to put off until a later hour when I won't have time to do it. The other reason is simply self-image related. To help me decide when it's time to clean some dishes, I imagine what the kitchen would like if it where a person. I need to clean it when it begins to resemble a fictional character (probably) named Dan "Anteater" Grambling, a disheveled and grizzled middle-aged, two-packs-a-day guy who dropped out of high school when his first love cheated on him with, like, the whole chess club, who is presently trying to recover from a six day Hamm's bender by shoveling Cheetos, beef jerky and ants down his cancer-ridden throat. That is a sad, embarrassing, and confusing kitchen situation.
How and what are they cleaning?
You need to ask yourself a couple things here. Are they washing with an unbridled ferocity or just carelessly dabbing? Are they scrubbing off a pan used to cook a delectable bacon-wrapped filet mignon or a plate with an uninspired ketchup and relish mosaic from a half-eaten hotdog? Are they wearing rubber gloves or are they wearing a cutoff tee and sipping on a warm PBR? Are they listening to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata (crazy person) or are they singing along to Glee: The Music, Volume 1 (crazy person?)?
I prefer putting myself in a comfortable place. I like sweats and a t-shirt that I don't mind getting dirty, Pandora's Kid Cudi station on for background noise, and I throw in a glass of Aldi brand wine to make obvious to the world that it's an occasion.
Where is the cleaning taking place?
At the sink stupid! Whoa there with the cynicism, reader. This has to do with the layout of the dishwashing area. If there's a dishwashing machine, do they use it or do they prefer to hand wash? Is there a drying rack or at least a clean towel for drying?
I use a dishwasher because I firmly believe God put us on this earth knowing we would invent them.
WHO ARE YOU, DISHWASHERMAN or DISHWASHERWOMAN?
Now's the time to compile everything you've learned about your subject and try to make some assumptions and brutal accusations. As there are lots of variables, the results can be hard to interpret. If you get lost, just do what detectives do. Jot down everything you know in a pocket sized notebook or scatter pictures of your subject across the floor and study them, looking for something you probably missed.
Here's the example assessment of myself as an aid! I always put off doing the dishes for too long. Since my main reason for doing dishes is because I should be doing something more important, I must not have too many important things to do. Waiting this long to clean also means it takes me a long time to become disgusted with myself and my surroundings. When I finally do the f---ing dishes, I dress and act like the bum my kitchen all too often embodies (Mr. Anteater). And, I guess my reason for using a dishwasher is pretty ignorant ... processing ... Final assessment: I'm not an adult.
Huh. I refuse to believe that. Disregard this whole blog.
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