#fisticuffs

Today I got in a physical altercation with a man in an adult boutique. I had just been at lunch with my parent and I was dressed up: full beat, cute Fair Isle sweater dress, the whole 9.

My husband and I stopped at the little grocery store with the farm fresh milk and eggs for...farm fresh milk and eggs, and then we thought we'd make a stop at the sex shop for uhhhh video head cleaner (iykyk).

We were informed that they did not carry it, but not wanting to waste a trip we commenced to browsing the aisles. Whilst we pondered the stroker sleeves I was keeping half an eye and half an ear on the situation between a store employee (I would later learn she was the manager) and a gentleman who seemed inebriated and was also being weird as hell.

Eventually, from back in the bondage shelves, I heard her ask him to leave, and him refuse. She got more adamant, he got more obstreperous, husband and I moseyed up to the scene to signal that we had her back. He threatened her with an uppercut, she went behind the counter and came back with a stickball bat and continued to encourage him to go. He continued to not go.

After a few minutes of this they started tussling. I really can't speak too well to my own motivations because I was a being of pure fear and adrenaline but I think I was concerned about him taking the bat so whatever deep part of my brain was in charge directed me to involve myself. I put my hand on dude's shoulder and let him know it was time to make his exit, and for a minute it seemed like he heard me, but then he tried to duck me and go after Ms. Manager again.

A scuffle ensued. I got bonked on the noggin by the bat in a friendly fire incident, but I rallied and, with a lil help from my friends, got my arms around ol' boy in a bear hug and escorted him from the store.

The gentleman? Not deterred. He came back with a big plastic, idk, street item? and slammed it into the glass door a few times, then when that was unsuccessful left and returned again with a piece of polished granite from God-knows-where and yeeted it through the door, which sucked and was scary. Ms. Manager went after him to see where he went and it was then, y'all, that he punched her in the head.

Blessedly that was the end of it and no one was seriously hurt. We bought some lube and they gave us extra punches on our loyalty card because I am so big and brave and strong.