Sirius (testing Lilyās veritaserum)
Lily (squinting): Is it working?
Sirius (shrugging): I donāt know, ask me something
Marlene: Do you have any secrets youāre keeping?
Sirius (red faced and breathing hard): N-no
Lily (laughing): Heās fighting it! It is working! Just say it Sirius, no oneās gonna hurt you
Sirius (nervously): During our third year, Marlene asked me what product I use to get my eye lashes to look so good and I told her that I rub butter on them to make them look like that
Sirius (crying): It was a lie! I lied because I wanted to mess with you and every time I saw you take a little cup of butter to your room, I laughed! My eyelashes arenāt naturally this nice, I use mascara and I let you rub butter on your eyelashes for months!
Lily (confused): What the fuck, how deranged do you have to be to trick someone into rubbing butter on their eyelashes?
Marlene (angrily shoving Sirius): You fucking bitch! I smelled like butter for months and it gave me acne!
Sirius (sobbing): Last year Lily called me stupid so I slipped eye of newt in her potion so it exploded in her face! I have a severe distrust of authority and Iām extremely claustrophobic to the point where Regulus locked me in a closet one time and I accidentally set it on fire to escape and then a year later I snuck into the Slytherin dorms and rubbed hot sauce inside his underwear so heād get a burn and everyone would think he had an STD-
Lily (horrified): Sirius you can stop now, it works-
Sirius (sobbing): I used Jamesā razor that he uses to shave his face on my body one time because he tripped me and I didnāt tell him! Sometimes when Iām bored, Iāll go the muggle section of the library and look up muggle laws and see which ones I can break. Iām currently wanted for tax evasion in France.
Lily (horrified): Okay weāre done here-
Remus (walking in): Whatās happening?
Sirius (crying): What the fuck is a tax? Then there was the time James flirted with Regulus so I convinced him to stick his finger in a power outlet and when he got shocked I pretended that I didnāt know that would happen. And do you guys remember that one time that Snape was chased around Hogsmeade by a large, black dog? That was m-
Remus (clamping his hand on Siriusā mouth and dragging him out of the room): Nope! Thatās enough for today!