It's Time to Start Over

I haven’t written in a long time. 

In fact the last time I wrote was about the beginning of 2020. The reason is 2020 ended up being a really really bad year for me and for so many hundreds of thousands of people if not millions.

It started not even three days after I wrote that post that my dog was hit by a car. He survived but he lost an eye and he’s been different since then. After that, a global pandemic started to come through and it could’ve been somewhat preventable but it wasn’t due to people. I didn’t get the disease from the pandemic but I did get sick in March and over the course of seven days lost a lot of weight. This made me weak and reduced my ability to work by a lot but that wouldn’t matter because, as soon as I was done being sick everything shut down.

Once we returned to work things were difficult because we had to wear masks, which I didn’t like at first but I got used to and I don’t mind so much now, but it was difficult with the job I do because it’s a very active job.

And then in August I made a decision that was huge for my life and started preparing for that decision. 

The worst was in September, something happened that I’d prefer not to talk about but I will say it caused a dramatic down spiral with my mental health. In fact it was so bad that I started indulging in a habit that I hadn’t in a long time.

This would lead to me confronting myself and coming to terms with some new revelations and making some major changes about me.

Some of those changes resulted in me not being as outgoing and friendly as I used to be, not being social as I was...

I needed to do this though because if I did my mental health would never change.

Then in October I got into a car wreck that shook the foundation of these changes and it only reaffirmed them more.

Now it is late 2021 and I’m finally at the precipice of that major decision. I’m leaving the state that I’m currently in and moving to a new one and it’s terrifying.

Last night I finally came to terms with the ending of my job to begin a new one and it’s been extremely difficult.

With all this said, the important thing is that I’m not going to change my mind. I’ve made my decision and I know I’m doing what’s best for me as much as it hurts to leave the people I have spent the better part of the last six years with and not about them.

It’s entirely about what I have gone through personally...

I’m going to miss them and I know there’s going to be times where I wish I hadn’t done this but I also know that maybe in two or three years I am going to be in a much better place.

Maybe I’ll be able to come back to it

Maybe I never will. I don’t know. There’s a part of me that already wants to change the decision but I’m not gonna do that.

It’s 2020. The first day of a new decade. Early in the morning. The first song I listened to of 2020 was One More Light, by Linkin Park. It’s a beautiful song about suicide awareness and how someone always cares about another who may decide to take their life. It’s raw, honest, and paints a larger picture even more reminded of the fact that the singer committed suicide, and the song was released after the fact.

You may never know. What they feel, how they think, what they see. You may never experience any of that. But never forego someone for what you don’t know about them.

I chose this song because of my battle personally. I wanted it to be the first song I heard this year cause I intend it to be the anthem of the third decade I experience. I will always care about one more light in the sky. I won’t let someone else turn theirs off if I can help it. And if I can’t, I won’t let their light die with them.

I am in a weird place right now. I’m beginning something new with someone, but it’s not exactly solidified yet. I’ve known her for almost a year, but we’ve only just started moving things forward.

Here’s why it’s weird. I like her, and I care about her in a different way than what I’ve known love to feel like. I’m not in love with her and I wouldn’t say I’m falling(yet). It’s her well being, her growth as a person, and her self care that I care about. I’ve cared about these things before but they’ve been tied to intimate feelings and so it’s a bit odd to have them there solo.

I’m not constantly craving her attention. I’m not expecting compliments and affection. When I have her I want to be with her, but on my own I am on my own.

Usually atleast.

The past week I’ve been wanting to talk to her more, and wanting her to talk back. We are taking things slow for a reason, we’re both difficult people. But I’m wanting to move a little faster. Although, I know that’s not good for us right now.

I’m getting anxious, but also I’m okay with where we are. Quite happy actually. It’s not that I need to move this faster, I’m just used to it. So, I am in a weird place of restriction on myself. I’m trying to monitor my expectation and meter my feelings accordingly. It’s just causing nervousness that isn’t tied to anything, and I will admit I don’t like that. But that’s not her fault, it’s only the fault of my mind. I’ve got to get used to the fact that things are not always lightning speed.

Here’s a fact. We all want to be okay, loved, happy, satisfied, safe, stable. It’s the human pipe dream. It’s not that all these things are impossible, just improbable to achieve them all effectively. At least that’s what my psych written brain believes.

I can have some but not all. And yet I crave all of them. I want to say “Well who doesn’t?” Logically to me achieving a perfect balance of these ideals is so unlikely.

Yet I still see that which my brain considers to be impossible in others. And while I am fully aware of the whole “Someone’s highlight reel doesn’t include their reshoots.” quote, it doesn’t change my mind saying “That’s just not achievable.”

The thing is, though, the mind can be overridden. Reprogrammed. Brought to change thought and personal belief by some small actions. Almost to create a new person entirely

So I want to begin a rewrite. A hard drive wipe to say. A mentality that doesn’t believe being a normal human is impossible. Normalcy is exactly what it says it is, not impossible, normal. I will change my mentality.

Have you ever had a moment where you realized you are so intrinsically different from yourself from a different time that those 2 you’s could almost be described as different people?

I have. It’s been within this year. Almost like I’ve woken up from a dream. I’m still me. Remembering and feeling the things I’ve felt for years. Holding the opinions I’ve had for, well, forever. And yet, I am such a different person from when 2019 started that, almost every primary aspect of my personality has changed.

I still suffer from my mental health, but I am in SO much better control of it. I can let my emotions out and, honestly, I just don’t worry about what people think of it. In some ways I’ve probably become more rude/insensitive but yet it matters almost none to me. I’m not focused on others opinions of me, I’m just focused on me and my health.

In some ways it’s weird cause now, I’m no longer looking for a relationship or validation of my feelings/thoughts, and I am having to learn how to tell people that. In others, well I am learning to be just me, the me I was raised to be. No more unsure/timid speaking, or metering how I interact with people, or even being a different person around my friends.

I am more confident in who I am and how I feel, and how I portray this newer ideal, but yet I don’t know where this came from. 2 months ago I was crying over my birthday cause I couldn’t handle the stress of people on a one day occasion. And today I am so far past that mindset.

Guess what, it is my birthday. Again. I hate this day so much. It causes me anxiety and stress. And thats just on a normal birthday for me. Today, well fuck today.

This weekend I'm working harder than I usually do. With more stress than I usually have. For problems that aren't mine but I have to deal with.

I had a lot of bad and disappointing birthdays when I was younger and I think thats why I always end up having a bad mental health day now.

The day doesn't mean anything to me. I don't like the attention. I don't do well with feeling obligated to act a certain way towards people just because I am supposed to feel well today.

2019, who the fuck knows what it will bring.

Although last year wasn't specifically bad for myself, I know as a whole 2018 will be regarded by many as a bad year. I had bad and good days. Neutral and indifferent. Days I remember, days I don't, and days I wish I did or didn't.

I've written here for 2, maybe 3 years now(I've honestly lost track) and as I go back and read each of my posts I plug back into who/where I was when I wrote them. I'm so different from the person who wrote the first post here, and yet I have full proof that person is me.

I don't know if I will write more, (or less?) here this coming year, but I do know one very important thing. I am changing and growing, and sometimes I'm inspired to write about that. What that means for the boy who decided to start over so long ago is yet to be seen. But I have positive hope for the future.

Have a good 2019 everyone.

D, 1-1-19

I suck at responding to people. Not in person, but over messages(or distances in general). It isn't because I don't want to talk to people. I just don't really project my personality outward.

I don't post much on social media either, in fact I have little or no presence on the socials I do have. I guess I just don't really care if people are seeing what is going on with me.

I don't update people on my life. To most others it probably seems like I don't make an effort to keep up with relationships. In person I'm told I am outgoing and very extroverted. And yet I have no proof of being extroverted outside of the people who see me every day.

To the people outside of that circle though I know I seem unreachable and disinterested. It's not cause I am, I just live inside my own bubble. I have so much going on mental health wise, I end up forgetting about the outside of my bubble.

Getting things straight in my head takes some real work. I feel sometimes as though I need a mental chiropractor. Not someone who is going to talk me through the problems I am having, but someone who can just help to put some things in place.

I am well aware that this sounds like I am saying I want a therapist in a roundabout way, but that's not exactly what I mean.

I know when my mind is being moved the wrong way because of one part of it being out of place. And I can tell when that happens because the other parts of my mind still operate mostly normal, just shifted.

Living a life with an emotional disorder is hard. Let's start with that. I am sure that's a painfully obvious statement, but it needs to be made clear sometimes. It brings a lot of mixed feelings. It attaches feelings to things that normally shouldn't be emotional. It cause large waves and shifts in direction of the heart.

Some days I don't feel good enough for anything; sometimes that's initiated by something, other times it's not. Today is one of those days. I don't have any major reason to feel that way, but I do.

And all I want right now is to be able to shut the world away and focus on one thing. But I can't.

Oftentimes when I get hurt I don't feel like I allow myself time to heal. I just try to punch through the pain until it stops because I don't have the time to step back and recover. Or at least I don't feel like I do.

That's why I feel not good enough though. I don't heal. So, when I fail at a particular venture, I get so wrapped up in the reason why it didn't go the way I expected that I end up causing myself more aches to deal with.

So things came to an end. It was mutual; we both agreed we had some growing to do. This one hurt, and I still feel myself wanting for you, being pulled toward you. But it's not as painful as I thought it would be.

I'm finding myself wanting to move on, find new people. I grew so much with you and I am continuing to grow, but now I want to share that with others. I want to be myself again.

I won't leave you hollow though. I made a promise to you, and I want to keep it. You do matter to me still, and that promise does as well.

I can't stop thinking about you. Everything, all of it. You just won't leave my mind. I remember all the best times we had, how you would smile when I smiled. How everything was good. It's all there and it's not going anywhere.

I couldn't have a relaxing day right now if I wanted to. You are there. Clouding and pushing in my heart. My body wouldn't let me be still because you occupy everything not-physical. I hate so many things about these feelings, how I can't let go, how I don't want to, how you make me happy, what I have done to hurt you.

I made a mistake, and I can't unmake it. I hurt because of it. And I know you do too. Because of that I am losing you. I don't know how to deal with that.

I am bad at being a normal person. I process emotions differently. I react to things in drastic ways. I internalize and externalize in the same moments. I take things out on the ones that matter to me and I can't seem to stop feeling like people don't want to be around me. I feel the need to say I am sorry for that.

I look for ways out and then push and push until I have a reason to make my escape. I have a hard time committing myself to one person not because I am unfaithful but instead because I don't feel like I deserve anyone.

I pick and cause fights and blame and get upset in a subconscious effort to make it easier for people to want to leave me. This way I can go about blaming myself more for my loneliness.

Worst of all I get attached to those I care about and when I cause problems like this I feel even worse about it. I hate the way I can't stop fighting people. I hate the way I can't stop fighting you. I am sorry for that.

I don't know why I am the way that I am. If it's one thing that broke me when I was young, or if it was a group of things over my life that brought me to this. Whatever it is it hurts me and everyone around me.

So I'll be upfront, it's my birthday today. That is great and all, right? I guess so. Birthdays fall under this idea that we as a society have created of days that matter more than others.

You put on a happy face and play along, everyone shows just how much they care, and everyone is happy. Just for that one day. The rest of the days of the year aren't worth the time.

And you aren't allowed to have a bad day on these days either, you just have to be happy until it's over.

I think it's bullshit. You want to show me you care about me? Check up on me on any day, not just my birthday. If you haven't spoken to me in 6 months don't waste your time on my birthday either.

It's just to show that you are thinking about them right? Not really. It's self gratifying, you would feel bad if you didn't say something on this day, so you do. And then you feel better about yourself, pat yourself on your back cause you showed them you care about them. Then forget they exist for the rest of the year again.

I am scared. I don't want to hurt anyone, let alone you. I felt it tonight, the first tinge of wanting to turn away.

I would do it because pain now would be easier to deal with than pain later. Later when I love you more, when you love me. Later when we have invested our lives in one another. Later when things had gone great and the world wasn't just a place we were apart of.

Later when I inevitably fuck up. Later when my emotions drive me to drive you away. Later when I have to see your tears and I know that they are because of me. I want to quit now because I always fuck up later. I am dangerous, cancerous, and I do this every single time.

And tonight I felt myself start to love you, and I started listening to the words in my head, imagining how they would sound later when I finally said them.

But tonight I also felt the fear again.

I hurt. Every move I make is difficult and painful. I've become jagged and dangerous to everyone around me. It's like I'm a broken mirror. I make an image of those who look at me, except in a cracked and distorted form.

Friends and family can help to restore the image that was once yourself. But some cracks never go away.

Some are there from the beginning... forever.

I'm sorry that I can't ever show who I am truly...

I can never stand in front of that mirror...

I don't want to see what I've become.

I'm over feeling distrust for others. I'm done with sitting and wallowing in the paranoia of untrue relationships. Other people in the world don't make me scared, I do.

It's ridiculous.

Why is trusting the intentions and motivations of others so fucking difficult. In theory if nothing is wrong then there is no reason to lie right? So why do I accuse and judge in my mind every damn interaction I have with anyone.

It's so god damned painful to never feel like anyone around you is genuine. And that's not their fault.

So I'm over it. I'm living for me, not them. I'm going to try my best to just take what people say an move forward. Let people live their lives as they see fit. I'm done feeling pain because I think other people want me to be in pain.

I'm breaking down this fucking wall of secret paranoia that separates me from having real relationships with the people I care about.