'black dog' 06/06/2024
Where have I gone to that I have returned to you now? What line did I cross, into forbidden lands that I should never have walked through? What new bridges have I burned down and can no longer cross back over?
The black dog that chases at the back of my heels has never let me be. Shadowing me every day of my life, it was over before it started. I had already been caught and there could never be any escape. He has my heart between his jaws and won't ever let go.
He's has taken away so much from me, to weaken and ensure that he'll have the prey he's hounded for so long. Chased away everyone I ever loved or cared for, mouth frothing and jaws snapping, before returning to me and curling up at my feet. There can only be room for him.
I wonder how much more he will devour before only my life is left, and he finally decides to eat that, too.
Punished by a civil death, the absolute loss of everything except your bare existence. Not even the right to happiness, not even the fragments of a life to put back together. Maybe I'm there already. The emptiness seems to echo endlessly within my soul.
A small part of me always hoped I'd make it out. That I'd outpace him, and that he would someday be left behind once and for all. Somehow though, I knew deep down that I never would.
I think it's time to make peace with him, my black dog. He's walked beside me all my life, in all my travels. I've always felt him, treading on silent paws, just on the periphery of everything I am. The only one who has always been here, just for me.
Turn away from the road of most resistance, and walk home with him. Into the dark, once and for all, without question or complaint.
