The Real Dole Whip

So Pokemon Go came out and I legit walked around for three hours in the dark, met like five of my neighbors also looking for Pokemon, and saw a grown ass man trudge into a pond. What a time to be alive.

nintendo’s plan to make everyone get out the house is working spectacularly if a bit odd.

“Working spectacularly, if a bit odd” is Nintendo’s entire goddamn business model.

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Imagine being a tuna (Atlantic bluefin, Thunnus thynnus). You are a super predator, over six feet long and almost a ton. You are as beautiful and shiny and mercilessly efficient as a sports car, a true marvel of the sea. But you taste so fucking good

i have good news for the person who wrote that tag and bad news for sports car drivers

[Image ID: Tumblr tag reading: #i think a sports car would taste pretty good if you cracked it open and there was flesh inside /End ID]

casts a little spell that materializes a blunt on the hand of every affected creature in a large aoe

“what the…. where the hell am i”

You're a Warlock. But instead of drawing power from a higher being, people can choose to donate a portion of their magical power to you. In exchange, they can scry on your adventures and can send telepathic messages to you, as well as make requests. It can get annoying, but you make it work.

“Alright, we’re about to head into the dungeon. Daz has gone ahead to check for traps, but we’re pretty confident -- hey,  M’stha’venalth the Destroyer, thanks for the three months, really appreciate it -- yeah we’re pretty confident we got the, uh, we got the thing in the bag, shouldn’t take more than a few sessions at best. Who needs a long rest, am I right? Oh, just got a Sending from Gleek, ‘are you gonna need Darkvision again’, nah, comrade, torches all the way. You know we gotta keep it real around here. Plus I love the burning pitch smell. Okay, good vibe emojis only, viewers, we’re going in!”