a place where I can just feel safe and vent

10 posts!

I said what I said! Arranged marriages, forced marriages, blind dates and anything like that are bad and force women to settle with a partner that they don't actually love! Those are basically another way to control women and stop us from falling in love naturally! I personally hate them all! Including people who go "hey I know you are single and looking for someone, please consider my friend because he's single too!" Fuck off! Your friend can find a date on his own, you don't need to force your female gendered friends to date your loser male gendered friends just because he sucks at getting a girlfriend! They don't want him neither do random women coworkers of yours! We don't want to hook up with that sad excuse of a person! There's probably a reason he's single and he's probably a misogynistic incel who enjoys ignoring "no" from a woman!

Same with parents setting their children up with a family friends child! "I know a nice boy you should get to know." Now of course we love our parents (except my father, he can fall off a cliff for all I care, but you get the point.) but no! I don't want that loser! "But he's nice." Don't give a fuck, and if you bring him over I'll legit make him uncomfortable and so should other people who are in this type of predicament! (Please note, my mom isn't setting me up with anyone, I'm just using this as an example.)

Then there's arranged marriages, "we're poor now, you gotta marry him!" Fuck off! "But we need money!" Get a job bum! Basically, as you can see, I'm completely against any form of arrangement style relationships! I want what I want, not what you want me to have! I don't care if he owns a business, I don't care if he's a prince, I don't care if he's a billionaire, I don't care if he's a scientist, I don't care if he's so "selfless" and has devoted himself to helping people, I. Don't. Care! He can rot in hell for all I care!

Now I don't know if they're together because it's been almost 2 years since he's mentioned that waste of oxygen, so I assume they might be broken up, but I don't ever really look at his Facebook page because I'm scared I'll see that silly little creature on his page. I also leave the room when he's talking to other people because I'm scared he'll mention her. That messed with my mental health so badly in 2024. I absolutely hate that year because of that as well as have trust issues with millennials (he's a 90s millennial fyi.) so I have a very hard time wanting to be around anyone in that generation because of that incident.

I think he might be single now, I don't want to speak too soon though, because knowing my luck that glasses wearing troglodyte probably trapped him or some other bimbo. If he isn't single and if he's actually, say, engaged or married without me knowing, I'll completely remove myself from the dating pool! Like I don't give a fuck who wants to date me, I don't care if I'm being selfish, I don't want anyone else but him! There's something about him that's different then other men I've liked. To me, those past relationships/crushes that I'm not just friends with now were, and still are, all garbage compared to him! He's way different then those has-beens and I'd never reconsider them!

Nor will I consider anyone else! I'd rather die alone then go with someone else! I don't care if what I'm doing is "unhealthy" I'd rather be happy then settle with some loser who thinks he can have whatever he wants! I really don't care about other men, if you want to be more then friends, get the fuck out! You are not him! You will never be him! I do even want to have children in the future, but if I don't get to be with him, I'll just adopt. I'm against the idea of IVF because I don't want some garbage POS's child in me! So if I become a single mother by choice, I'd rather help an innocent already born child actually have a good life instead of making some incel a dad!

And before someone says I'm being "spoiled" or "mental" I know! My whole life was unfair! I lived a worse life than you can imagine! I was SAd when I was a toddler by a Daria looking glasses bitch, I was abused by my father who dated that whore, I was in and out of being homeless my whole life and was robbed of having a normal childhood! So I deserve at least one good thing in my life! And yes, I do know I'm mentally ill! I've mentioned it before multiple times on here, so I can't really help that this is how I feel about this one man. And no I'm not going to go to therapy just so I can get over him! I refuse to just settle anymore! I either get him or I die alone! Those are the only option, take it or leave it!

I had a light purple version of this purse right before I bought this one, which was one of the two I bought before this current one. It sadly broke on me recently (because even though it cost me 60 bucks, it was of poor quality for some reason...) and I had to replace it. I saw that they had the same black version of the bag I bought last year so I figured I'd buy it because I liked it last year, and it's literally the same exact bag I had previously, but just in black. If that makes sense.

But for some odd reason, this rebought version of a bag I already had (twice if you count the purple version) makes me feel extremely uncomfortable! Like the way it looks to me is... Off putting... Which is really weird because it's just a regular purse! There should be any reason I feel uncomfortable looking at it especially since I HAD this exact bag IN THE SUMMER LAST YEAR!!! But for some reason, this exact one makes me feel weird in a way. Like I'm grossed out by how it looks, If I look at it for too long, I want to cringe and my stomach feels a little sick. I can't help but imagine it being covered in some kind of ink/venom Esq/Jennifer's Body style succubus vomit looking substance because of how it shines in the light. Like mentally I see it as someone painted a purse with something gross and I bought it because I need it.

I don't understand why I see it like that but I do! I hardly even like touching it when I look at it too long. If I'm wearing it, I don't really notice it too much unless I start staring at it, but even then I don't feel too uncomfortable, just mostly when I take it off and look at it. Of course I'm going to keep it until I need a new one, but I really don't understand why I feel this way. Like I said, I didn't feel this way last year with the original black purse I had, this is literally the same exact bag I bought in the summer! I'm currently glancing at it right now and it's making me feel like throwing up a little bit. I wonder if it's because top zippers are all black, including the zipper plastic where it links together? Or maybe it's because it's pleather?

I know this is a really weird rant, but I don't understand why I feel so uncomfortable with this bag, and why I envision it in such a way! It literally reminds me of those all black ice cream cones in a bad way! Like someone took an item and dipped it in black motor oil mixed with rotten ink or something! I feel like I hate it but for what reason?! It didn't do anything to me it's a fucking purse!!! Like I said, I'm not getting rid of it, it cost me 60 bucks again because it wasn't on sale! Plus it's a nice bag! It's got a lot of zippers and it's big! Not too big, but big enough to carry my tablet and other useful things! I just don't understand why it's bothering me this much, I want to love this purse like my old one/the purple one. But I can't! At least not mentally!

Because I had a nightmare last night about this heavy topic that bothers me a lot, I'm about to rant about it. I'm probably going to keep this one private for now, especially because I don't know if I really want this one to be public, because I know there's going to be that one asshole that'll tell me to “move on” and “you shouldn't feel this way over a man”. 

So last night I had a nightmare about this chick that's supposedly dating a guy I have a crush on. I don't know why I had this nightmare about her, since I don't know her name, I've never actually met her, and I don't truly know if she's still with him. All the things I'm about to say about her are all assumptions and are mostly negative because of certain issues I have with this type of person, mostly because of the CSA I endured when I was a toddler. This is a warning, a lot of what I'm about to say about this woman is pretty dark, problematic, outright disrespectful and probably a bit psychotic on my part. I don't fully know why I feel this way about her, but I do, I absolutely HATE this woman! I actually need a word stronger than "hate" to describe how I feel about her. I loathe her, I despise her, I actually wish for her demise! I wish she never existed! I've only had about 3 nightmares about this woman who I actually never met, but boy oh boy, do I hate her! I don't know what she sounds like, I hardly know what she looks like because I've only seen two pictures of her, the first one when I first looked at his account back when I first met him in 2023, and assumed that maybe she's just a friend (because he still has his FB page marked as "single") and this second time back in 2024 right before he mentioned that he had a girlfriend. 

Let me tell you, the second he said that he had a girlfriend when we were at work together (we work together FYI, so that's how I know him, I forgot to mention that.) my heart felt like it was ripped from my chest and gored until it was nothing! One of my friends must have noticed that something was wrong because they asked if I was ok when I was trying to add the coffee beans to our espresso machine. 

I just told them I was fine, then I had a mental breakdown at “home” (quotations because I don't have a home and am stuck homeless with my family because of an asshole who is married to a different long dark haired glasses bitch!) about it! Of course my family wasn't helpful at all and we're like “don’t think about him, he's an asshole, there's more men!”. Now I assume he's single because I haven't heard him mention her after that day. He also mentioned that someone "broke his heart" and that's why he was listening to a lot of country music. I actually don't know what it is about him, but I really like him, I've never felt the way I have with other men than I do with him. I've never hated a woman so much who's dated a guy I've had a crush on other than now! But because of the amount of jealousy I have for that demon of a woman, I'm actually scared to check out anything he posts! I'm scared to listen to the music he creates, I don't even want to be in the same room as him, when he's talking to other people about personal stuff, because I'm afraid he'll mention her. 

I literally have a forum of PTSD because of her! I don't know why I just do! Just knowing she dated/might still be dating him fills me with rage and depression! Like I literally hate millennials because of her! (He's a millennial, and because he mentioned that he was taking her on a special weekend to St Augustine back in 2024 made me hate his generation, I legit hate millennials now because of her! I actually don't know if she is one, but she looks old, so I wouldn't be surprised if she is one. I also hate St Augustine now because of her!)

One of my main reasons I hate her, is because she's one of these types of women:

I absolutely HATE women who look like that! Wanna know why? Because when I was a toddler I was sexually assaulted by a woman my father was dating who looked just like that! That woman he was with is one of the reasons I cut myself! She's one of the reasons I'm mentally ill, so whenever I see one of these kinds of women I can't help but usually feel afraid of them! I hate these long dark haired glasses bitches with a burning passion! What's worse is these kinds of women are also assholes to me and always take the men I like! Now this picture is of a character from an online horror series, (which I was, spoiler alert, glad she got murdered in it!) but the woman who hurt me isn't a character, this new woman who is currently hurting me isn't a character, they're both real! They're actively ruining my life and hurting me, taking what I love from me, harming me, making me want to go mad! These kinds of women are the worst kind of people to ever meet!

So I kinda believe that my past trauma is why I hate my crush's possible ex/possible girlfriend. But the thing is, I've had crushes on other men, who ended up with these witches and never felt the way I do about this woman (who, I believe may be named Hannah btw, I'm not sure fully though, I just know a woman named Hannah was checking if he was alright during the hurricane that ripped though in 2024, and I didn't get a chance to see her pfp, so I won't be calling her by that name.) for some reason I really hate her! Like I feel like she's a spoiled bitch who's getting her way, like she's an evil whore who stole the man I love because she's a nasty bitch who just exists to make my life hell! I hate her so much that I feel like I'd rather “delete myself” just to get the fuck away from her!!! but I won't give that walking talking cum stain the satisfaction of that! I don't like even thinking of her, it makes me so depressed that I can hardly function without wanting to hurt myself! I would actually be happy when she does! I'd actually dance on her God forsaken grave and probably deface it just because I hate her! Hell, I'd go to her funeral just to laugh at her gross rotten ugly corpse and tell her slut of a father that his whore of a wife should have swallowed! My life would be so much better if her ass didn't exist! She's actually worse than Satan in my eyes! For all I know, she is him! God I hate her! I wouldn't be nice or kind to her even if everyone on this planet was in danger and the only way to save the world was to treat her well! I'd rather let everything perish than treat her like a human being! I won't even treat her like germs because they deserve more love then she does! I want her to disappear forever! There are a number of people who did things to me that's pretty unforgivable and even I'd treat them nicely before I ever considered treating her good in any way shape or form! She deserves nothing but pain and misery! She should feel the way I do! She should have suffered instead of me! I fucking hate her with all my soul that I'm considering going to a witch or voodoo priest to get a horrible curse put on her! I pray that the place she met my crush at crumbles! I hope they replace it with a place that's offensive to her! She deserves nothing but misery and pain!

She's actually the reason I was so bitter about working a night shift on Valentine's Day! I just had a very bad feeling about that day and even though I don't know if she's still with him, I'm afraid that he proposed to her! If that happens, I'm never ever going to forgive him! I'll literally transfer out of where I work,, I'll probably block him and any of his close work friends and I'll be a bitter depressed person until I die! I know I sound crazy for saying this, but I don't want anyone else but him! I'd rather die alone than be with someone else! I absolutely hate whoever the other man is that the universe wants me so badly be with, he also deserves to fucking suffer! I'd rather hurt myself than think of him with her! I fucking hate her, I hate Valentine's Day, I hate bitch ass millennials, I hate glasses and want to break them all, I hate long dark haired glasses bitches, and I wish she'd disappear forever!!! Screw whatever ruined my day and gave me a nightmare about her! I feel so miserable right now! I'm trying not to but I just want to cry, scream and harm myself right now! Her face makes me feel physically ill! I actually cannot look at any picture of her and not feel really ill seeing her ugly satanic face! She's literally a demon woman and deserves to go back to hell where she belongs! I actually pity the poor people she works with, I bet they're suffering too having to look at her crusty cunt face! Literally, because her long dick nose droops over her mouth, I wouldn't be surprised if the cops arrested her for indecent exposure for showing her tiny Trump penis nose out in public! She's also so skinny that skeletons develop ED because of her! She doesn't even have hips or a booty or anything, she's actually flatter than a sheet of papers dick! Her breath probably smells like dick because her flaccid penis nose is always in her mouth! She's nothing but a skanky hoe and I wish she'd randomly fall off the side of the planet and drift off into space! Hopefully she'll be sucked into a black hole before she suffocates and dies! That way it can stretch her until she rips into a trillion pieces!!!!

Anyway yeh, that's how I feel about her! Anyway I'm tired, I'll probably make a better post later on then this! See y'all soon I guess.

What sucks is I'm 28 years old and am stuck living with them because they drained all my money each week! Sadly I keep praying for a way out and nothing has happened! I just want freedom, if they want to live life hating poc fine, live with your hate, but don't drag me along! Which one of them is trying to do! They're trying to claim I'm scared of Indian people because of this one obsessed woman I met two years ago! No i don't, she doesn't represent the many nice and wonderful Indian people I've met throughout the years!

I'm never going to be like them, I refuse to hate people because of something they can't change! What sucks is they weren't like this years ago, but in recent years, they developed a weird amount of hate for specific POC, two of them hate Hispanic people and likes black people, and one of them hates black people and likes Hispanic people, and I literally have no idea why or how any of that makes sense! The one who hates black people is the one who's desperate for me to hate Indian people because they want me to "understand why they feel the way they do." Uh, no, I'm not doing that.

So it's labor day weekend, so of course we're going to be busy, that's not my problem. My problem is the asshole set of customers we've had! This one family decided to order a lot of food, almost 200 USD worth of food to be exact. After ringing in all their food, I read off what they all had, they said it was fine and paid.

Fast forward about 45 to 55 minutes later, they get their food and decide that they wanted a refund on three of the items! One whole pizza and two burgers, which would add up to like 40 USD. I was then met with a "remember to read off the order next time." By the new coordinator. Like sir, that's exactly what I did! But of course, you are part of the new management, so you aren't going to listen to me.

I feel literally like I'm unwanted where I work, I feel like it's because I'm technically an "original" employee, because I was there before they renovated the restaurant. They've recently traded all of our original managers out for these new ones and they seem like they don't like any of the original employees. Already, multiple OGs have either transferred out, or have gotten fired for stuff I know they wouldn't have ever done.

All newer employees seem to get their way more than the OGs, like they get mornings, and they don't have to work at any stands. I've noticed they're doing this to not only the foh employees, but to the culinary team as well. They've also told me "part time doesn't get any shift perks, you are only here to get the leftover hours full time doesn't want/didn't bid for" and "seniority means everything, so we can't just give you what you want without a doctors note."

And the thing is, those rules don't apply to any of the new employees, I literally saw that a new to the company cook got a morning shift, whilst a cook I've known for 3 years now was forced to work a night shift, even though he bid for mornings. Same with my other friends who have been there forever, I've seen them be forced to work nights instead of the newer employees. I've seen bids ignored for OG employees and all perks are given to part time newbies who don't even know what they are doing.

I think it's literal bullshit! I personally think it's because our management is all new people, so they're just playing favorites with new employees and trying to get rid of the OGs. They want it to be all new people and not any of the OGs because they know that they can push around the newer ones with rules that don't even exist. Something that the OGs have done, is let the newer employees know actually how to do their jobs, unlike our bosses who don't give two fucks.

I really hope I'm wrong, but every day I show up for my shift, the more I feel like they just don't want me there, they know what they're doing, I've so far had two mental breakdowns because of them, they're trying to get me to quit, or just to fire me. I can see through their fake "we care about you all" remarks.

I know, that sounds really bad, especially as an afab person myself, but I feel I should be allowed to vent about something if I'm feeling down and know that I'll never be what people want. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm just targeting these specific types of women because of the woman who violated me when I was a toddler, IDK. But I've noticed that women with long straight black hair and glasses always get what they want.

Every man I've ever wanted to date, would all of a sudden end up with this exact type of woman. It doesn't matter what ethnicity she is, it doesn't matter what age she is (they're mostly millennial women, but still) and it doesn't matter her weight or anything else. As long as she is a woman with long black hair and glasses, she's gonna get her way. Even if I've known this man before her, she's just gonna swoop in and take him. As well as be an asshole about it

Usually to me, these kinds of women are spoiled and are just mean to me for no reason. I could just blink and they're acting like I did something wrong to them. I know not every woman who has those features is going to be a bitch. But every time I show any interest in someone, one of them comes along and takes him. I mean I know I'm not very pretty, but why am I the one who's getting targeted by these women?! Why do they take interest in the men I want and have known longer than them? Why am I not good enough for these men when they've clearly shown interest in me up until one of those succubi comes along and snatches them up?

Instead I get stuck with creepy misogynistic men who I want nothing to do with practically throwing themselves on me! And why do they gotta be so smug about taking the men I like from me? Why do these men even want them to begin with? They're literally just like those mean girls you encounter in highschool! Is it just because they're pretty compared to me? I mean, I guess I shouldn't chase after men who are dumb enough to date mean women. But why is it almost always a woman with those specific features that get a man?

I just don't understand it, maybe I should just dress like them and maybe I'll get the man of my dreams? I just don't want to change who I actually am just to get a man I'm attracted to.