Themselves Undone

What’s funny is, I’m out of practice now, but whenever I read old stuff I’ve written, I’m like, what hot garbage I have created. So I guess being in practice means nothing.

The last thing I wrote here still holds. My perception is that the happiest people are those who were the most intentional with their lives. I know that’s definitely the case with me, at least.

Vision is important. Life happens, but it doesn’t just happen in a good way. If you want something, even general somethings, you gotta work towards it. Even what seems to be obvious.

I read something recently about trusting yourself, trying new things, having grace for yourself. I have no idea what I would do with that guidance for my own application at this point.

I think breathing is important. Not letting anxiety levels get too high. I hesitate to say that things always work out, since that’s not a reliable predictor of the future, but if the anxiety doesn’t promote a clear and present action, the stress seems disposable.

I know the future I want, but I don’t want to gamble for that life I want. I’d rather the life I have now than nothing as a result of trying and failing. This thought causes much despair and depression, but it is a true circumstance.

You can’t just float from dopamine hit to dopamine hit, because the odds are too high that the major pieces will click into place.

You have to put in the work, plan, and limit yourself to the plan. And stay disciplined.

People who know what they want and then get it - they got it because they pursued it intentionally as a major life goal.

I didn’t learn enough about life fast enough, but I did know what I wanted. I dreamed of it. The missing piece was the willpower to commit to these goals.

The best I can hope to be at this point is a warning. I am the result of a lack of effort and a loss of the human soul lottery.

You used to be able to make friends on here.

I wish I was more mature and able to enjoy this website.

But I also think at my core I’m not all that high quality no matter my maturity. My newfound “maturity” doesn’t help me at all.

I just wish I wasn’t so old.

No sense in wishing things had been done differently, since that’s impossible, but I wish it so bad.

A different college, a different career path. More commitment, less wait and see.

Such wasted potential.

Now I’m just hoping I can scrap together something for the second half of my life.

I know I’m lucky to have scraps - some people get far worse in the human soul lottery. I just feel like my life didn’t have to be this way. I never stood a chance, though.

You won’t believe me, but you have no idea. Be honest. You really don’t know - you assume. I’m telling you - disconnect from culture is the most isolating circumstance, and on top of that, the intersection of disability makes connection the tallest of orders. Bumbling through social interaction in the most pathetic ways possible.

This is no way to live.

Oh well! Slogging through it.