filthy pirate fancier

bonus:

Ilya Rozanov's search history (insp)

+ bonus:

Confused, Shane immediately calls him.

"Is this some new and unique way to psych me out before the final, Rozanov? I didn't know you had money on Detroit."

"No, I am sending for a good reason," Ilya laughs. "I know it sucks for us that when you win all your team will be kissing their girlfriends and Pike will be making out all gross with Jackie, and we will not be able to. So, I wanted to show you exactly where I first kissed the cup. It was on the top, right over where it says Ottawa 1905, left of where it says 'Challenge Cup'. I remember because I did this on purpose. We weren't anything then, but I was thinking of you. I couldn't help thinking of you. So if you kiss the same place, it will be a little like we are sharing a kiss. And only we will know about it."

And Shane feels the air clean knocked out of his lungs and the back of his throat get tight, as he barely gets out, "Baby, that's... Thank you. I don't know what to say. I love you so fucking much. I'll make sure you see our kiss, okay?"

"I will be watching. I love you, My Shane. Go show the world why Shane Fucking Hollander is the goat, okay?"

On the night Shane wins his third Stanley Cup, he kisses their spot on the cup, thinking only of Ilya, and longs for a day where he can pull him onto the ice like Scott did with Kip.

Resurrecting my tumblr because PWHL Reddit said PWHLblr was the place to be.

P.S David asked me to tell you that he is very excited about the puzzle he picked out to do with you."

All the pics are of ilya being soft 🤧

Him at the dinner table stuffing his face with chicken parm with a mountain of cheese, the marinara sauce tinge the corners of his mouth

Him and Yuna on the couch, his head on her lap, her fingers lost in his curls

Him in the backyard of his house, sat on the ground while Anya licks his face

Him and shane passed out on different parts couch on their tummies, with their fingers tangled together

Him with the pikelings treating him like jungle gym. The twins hang from his biceps while Arthur is licking an ice lolly sat on his shoulders totally zoned out and little Amber has wrapped her teeny tiny hands around one of his knees. To be noted, he is wearing one of his expensive ass ray bans and his nails are painted in the bi flag and he's wearing those necklaces from the DIY jewellery making kits for kids.

Him solving a puzzle with David at the dinner table with a blanket around his shoulders

Him posing with 2 hotdogs as if they are guns, face scrunched in mock strain

A family photo of four of them in a restaurant all happy smiles, a bit shaky due the staff being nervous

Him sticking his tongue out at shane with the TV remote in one hand keeping it out of reach while the other arm tries to push shane away

The hudcon lick™️ on the ice but hollanov in their Ottawa jerseys

Him and shane at the dock with Shane's arm around his waist and his wrapped around Shane's shoulders at they watch the sun rise at the cottage

A picture of them at their wedding, shane throwing his head back laughing, his hand on his stomach with the wedding band glinting as ilya tries to hide his smirk into his champagne glass

When ilya finds out, he blushes deep red and tries to hold back tears.

which combined with ilya loving just making things up and saying them (as seen in the "yes, the rumors are true-" scene) offers the very funny idea that ilya actively tries to offer as much privacy as possible by just throwing out stories about them at random so there IS no central story for people to hound shane about.

assorted backstories a la "ilya just started talking and found out with everyone else where he was going with this":

they got snowed in at all stars one year (b-but wasn't that year in florida?) and decided there was nothing better to do

it started as a bit and neither is willing to give up first

they paired off to combine forces like nato

they paired off to limit how many kids they could have in the future to make sure hockey stayed fair

ilya lost a bet six years ago

shane lost a bet three years ago

ilya got tired of remembering phone numbers for his hookups and shane's is easy

ilya got tired of having to look things up in english and french when talking to other people and decide to marry someone who speaks two languages to save time

shane is gifted enough (wink wink wink) that other people are cowards and only ilya was brave enough to rise to the challenge (this one gets him in trouble on the phone later but it also gets him laid that night at home and also confuses the online speculation about who tops and bottoms, so net positive tbh)

yuna hollander is the best manager in the business and a political marriage was the best way to secure her services longterm

the reporter obviously knows he's not serious (...mostly) but plays along with "what kids?" and ilya just ☝️ as he pulls out his phone and starts looking through, and everyone is like "surely not...bUT WHAT IF", and then he goes "ah! here", and holds out his phone

and it's a picture of anya and luca haas

"You try the steak rub, Bood? Good, yes? Yuna is a queen, I know. Yes, next weekend is good for barbecue, if weather holds. Littlest Pikes might visit, we will see."

"She will jump through the hoop on ground, why not 4 inches up?? So frustrating. Shane says to use real bacon for treats, maybe then, but is so salty. Nitrites too, you know. Bad for her. No, have not baked her special treats, Troy! What?? Recipe, now!"

"Shanya has new glasses. Very sexy. Even without them he can see puck better than 47, though, on wing? This man is terrible, yes? Is not entirely his fault, probably, Columbus is mostly very bad. Look at stupid tape job, though. Ugh."

"I want syrniki after game. You want? I have made you syrniki, Luca. Little pancakes. Yes, very, very good. Okay, not tonight, but come over on Saturday, we will have syrniki and force Shane to eat it too. Yessssssss, okayokay, good plan."

Examples of Shane quotes from his mic'd up games:

"Jesus FUCKING Christ what the FUCK is wrong with the Dallas refs holy SHITTING ass. Can they not fucking see their own fucking asses? Do they need fucking Lasik?"

"I am going to goddamn disembowel the next person who chirps us about the FUCKING baby shower. That shit was cute and Cassie fucking loved it. Come the fuck on, it's what fucking year? Men can throw baby showers, shit. Get over yourselves, assholes."

"He thinks he's hot shit, yeah, with ugly fucking edges like that. Fuuuucking ridiculous, am I right? What a motherfucking joke. Let's run a train on his ass next shift, you fucking in?"

"Dyks, I fucking love you, man, that shit was insane, so fucking dope. Yeah, yeah, I know Hazy loved it too. Broke their shit right up, they thought they had a lane, hahaha! As fucking if with you on the ice, bro. Nice. Fucking nice."

Ilya: Suburban Dad who plays some rec league, maybe

Shane: Intensely professional jock insulted by your basic lack of talent and skill, might kill you

- - -

Masterlist of my Tumblr drabble lore drops for Hollanov and HR is here. 🥰

So one year for charity different pro athletes get asked to participate in a live game based on one of those “how well do you know your partner” games but instead it’s “how well do you know your rival” and participating means you get to raise money for a charity of your choice and obviously Shane and Ilya want to promote the Irina Project so they agree and go up against other current famous rivals from other sports

And Shane and Ilya discuss ahead of time that obviously they’ll have to just play things off as they usually do, light hearted chirps back and forth and what not, “winning” is just for the show and won’t impact how much money gets made for their charity so it doesn’t matter. Except then they get there and become overtaken by the need to Win and Be the Best and they are the best. So without needing to discuss changing the plan, as soon as the questions start they lock in and decide that actually they have to demolish everyone else

The other rivals are laughing and making jokes at the questions but Shane and Ilya are deadly serious and the host starts to get a little weirded out by the fact that they actually know the answers and aren’t just saying things like “how many goals last season? Probably one less than me haha” and actually have each others stats memorized

Because the audience is loving it they go to a lightning round that’s just Shane and Ilya and it’s now the usual couple game questions and they’re still getting them right because they can make excuses for knowing later, right now is about Winning

“What is Shane’s favorite breakfast?”

“Kale protein shake with a scoop of peanut butter and a handful of blueberries.”

“Ok um, what is Ilya’s favorite breakfast?”

“Two sausage egg McMuffins with an extra slice of cheese and hashbrowns.”

“What is something on Shane’s bucket list?”

“Sleeping in one of those see through igloos under the northern lights.”

“What is something on Ilya’s bucket list?”

“That thing where you feed giraffes at a zoo.”

“Ok last one. I think we all know Shane’s answer is former paramour Rose Landry, but who do you think is the most famous person Rozanov has ever slept with is?”

*through teeth gritted so tight he is in danger of chipping one* “Probably a model. Or something.”

“… Yeah, let’s go with that.”

a little soviet space race propaganda inspired design for @opal-apparition’s gorgeous fic apogee

shane is horrifically embarrassed by this and can not meet vaughns eyes or even his body, he refuses to look at him period.

ilya laughed for damn near 5 minutes and was doubled over coughing at one point fully crying, he is delighted by this and once hes through his warmups that shane wont let him skip he skates to center ice and does the exact same thing, kicking his feet in the air, blowing kisses, little finger waves, winking at vaughn. they dont say a word the whole time they just do these actions like flirting cartoon characters stuck on loop.

the centaurs are also delighted by this, despite the knowledge that vaughn is at the top of the couples “would” list this is the incident that earns vaughnny the nickname “boyfriend” among the team. they’re playing new york? will you guys be seeing your boyfriend? new york lost the game last night? hows your boyfriend taking it? someones family member is taking a trip to new york city? hey can you guys text your boyfriend and ask for recommendations for places to eat?

the admirals give vaughn as many opportunities to drag this bit up as possible because they find it hilarious, with the exception of scott who regards this whole thing like a curse cast upon him that will last long after his death. media days are the worst for scott especially because ever since the media learn about this stupid joke they’ll get questions about it. scott any comments on the rumors that your alternative captain carter vaughn is getting between the marriage of shane hollander and ilya rozanov? he is not, vaughn does not like men. scott is there any expected tension between the admirals and the centaurs at your game next week because of carter vaughns public flirting with the couple? should the media be expecting a fight between your alternate captain and the hockey husbands? i personally dont think you should be expecting a fight if he’s flirting with both of them, but this might become a thing for hollander and rozanov and i think vaughn wouldnt mind egging it on. scott do you think your co captain has a chance of entering a relationship with shane hollander and ilya rozanov and if so how would this effect the team dynamics within the admirals? i dont think vaughnny could handle all that even if he did like men.

"You told him what?" Svetlana asked, eyes wide and an incredulous smile on her face.

"I...I said that I could marry you," Ilya repeated casually, shrugging as he looked into his phone's camera while they facetimed, still a bit unsure as to what he'd done so wrong.

"Ilya. Ilyusha. Ilya," Svetlana repeated, shaking her head slowly and closing her eyes, looking like she was very close to either laughing or yelling. 

"Sveta," he shot back, smirking just a little. "What? What is wrong with this? It's the truth, right? You would marry me."

"Not if you propose like that," she retorted, rolling her eyes. "But tell me, what happened? How did your genius plan end?" Her tone was sarcastic; clearly she thought things'd ended terribly. Showed how much she knew about Hollander.

He grinned wider, unable to hold back his utter glee. "I have a boyfriend now. I am staying here for four extra weeks."

For a few long moments, she stared, blinking, utterly shocked. Then she sighed an exhausted sigh. "Boys are so stupid," she mumbled.