Don’t talk to me while I am reading

René Lalique, Jasmin Corsage ornament, 1899-1901.

George Knightley is THE Austen Hero. He is kind, compassionate, never condescends. He is so nice that not once, but TWICE, he is mistaken for being in love when he's not. He may be strict and rational, but he isn't cold. He plays with his nieces and nephews and helps keep the peace between family members. He calls Emma out, but only because he wants to help her be the best possible version of herself. He moves into Hartfield at the end, something completely unheard of in those days, because he knows Emma would never leave her father and he would never ask her to.

I don't want to put this person on blast, but this isn't the first person who has brought up the age gap between Emma and Knightley on this post, and it is really starting to piss me off.

Going beyond the fact that you're projecting a modern understanding of relationships and age onto a two hundred year old novel, you're just kind of missing the point of the book. One of the biggest, most obvious, in your face themes of Emma is the idea of marriage as a sacrifice.

Specifically, marriage as a sacrifice on the part of women. We see it time and again in the book, right from the start. The very first thing that happens is the Westons' wedding. Emma and Mr. Woodhouse bemoan that Miss Taylor has had to leave to them and move into her husband's home--just like all women did back then. Same for Isabella moving to London with John. These women have to sacrifice their independence, their names, their homes, to get married. And if they don't get married? They become like Miss Bates.

Miss Bates is an unmarried older woman, and she is mocked by Emma and others for being an "old maid." But it goes be on that. The Bates' are poor, by Austen standards. When it looks like Frank and Jane won't be able to get married, Jane has to get a job as a governess to make money and support her family.

And then there's Harriet. Harriet constantly worries about her fate if she doesn't get married. Emma uses that to manipulate her into falling for Elton, a man who is above her station. Harriet needs to marry well or risk becoming like Miss Bates. Marriage is simultaneously a necessary way out of potential poverty and a form of controlling these women.

Except for Emma. The reason Emma tends to be disliked by readers is because unlike most other Austen heroines, she's really, really rich. Which makes her less relatable and more annoying sometimes. It also means marriage isn't a concern for her. She is wealthy enough that she doesn't need to do it. She has all the possible freedoms she wants. She is mistress of her father's estate. For most of the novel, Emma has no interest in getting married because for her there would be no benefit.

Unless she were in love.

Which brings us to the end of the novel. Emma and Knightley are clearly in love for the entire story, but neither of them realize it until near the end. And even once they have confessed their mutual feelings for each other, Emma won't marry him. And she is fully able to say no, because she doesn't need to get married. Unlike most women, she is not being societally coerced into getting married.

And then Knightley agrees to move into her estate. Which is completely unheard of, and for the rest of the novel people make comments about the sacrifice he is making, forgoing his independence and freedom. This is, of course, another moment where Austen illustrates the inequality between men and women because obviously women were just expected to make that sacrifice for marriage.

But it also shows us that that inequality does not exist in Emma and Knightley's relationship.

For most of the novel, they are on equal footing, even if he is older. They're both equally rich, they're both equally intelligent, as we see in their arguments. Knightley may disagree with her, but he still outright says that she's smart ("it is better to be without sense than to misuse it as you do"). But this moment at the end pushes it to the next level. He is willing to make those sacrifices for her that most men wouldn't. He is willing to do what is expected of a woman in society. He does not see her as property to own. Instead, he sees her as an equal. He's always seen her as a friend, now he sees her as a partner.

The problem with big age gaps in adult relationships doesn't actually come from the age gap itself. It comes from the likelihood of an uneven power dynamic. Someone who is older is likely to have more money, be farther along in their career, etc. But none of that applies to Emma and Knightley because they are equals.