The Memories of No One

Been far too long. As my title for this one suggests I am feeling a little rebellious against the norm. Because if everything had a title it would imply we know everything about what we are speaking about. But right now quite frankly I am not in the mood to trying sticking my thoughts into a little box of a title. I want to let them roam free and see where they take me. First off I do not know if I have grown much since the last time I was here. Like what have I really changed or achieved? What have I learnt from my experiences if I have at all. Am I accumulating pearls of wisdom or am I simply lying to myself that I am older and wiser. I have challenged myself in certain areas but I have failed in most of these areas. And there is no but. Another thing is am being self critical, and I tend to judge myself ruthlessly, because I feel way below the standard I wish to abide by. I fall to far below the par. Because I know I can do better. And am still searching for the answers..... I mean I want to belong somewhere, and where ever I go and try I find myself feeling more isolated. I know all this seems random. Because it is. But someday maybe it will all make sense to you and me both.

Sitting here reflecting as the year ends. A supposedly ending of something old and the start of something new.. But I can’t help but to feel like I’ve lost a lot more than I expected this year. I’ve lost someone irreplaceable and I only got to have her for about a month and half. Quite frankly I never knew someone could mean so much in that short amount of time. But I guess life has a funny way of throwing unexpected events your way. See it gave me my tiny little Chip. Out of the blue a very pleasant surprise if I might add. There are tiny little things I remember now which had started to grow on me. Like the fact that she would pick food of my plate even when she had food on her own plate or take sips of my drink. Or the fact that she liked to run her fingers through my hair. She said she loved playing with it. And the times she would hug herself when we were in public because she was trying so hard not to touch me intimately. And when she did touch me when we were alone I’d feel tingles for so many hours after. Guess that’s why I couldn’t keep my hands off her. I liked that she would say we’ve got plenty of time to spend together. We were both patiently waiting to explore each other. Like DSTV we were so much more. Our little inside joke. And somehow I let all that slip through my fingers. And am left with these bittersweet memories of her while I wish she were here in my arms where I feel she belongs as we crossed into a new future together. And that kiss on the mirror, marking her territory as she used to say, is all I have left. A reminder of the last time she was here. Guess I’m sentimental holding on to these little things of her. Waiting for her to come back and take what belongs to her. My heart. But not knowing if she’ll ever come back or if she even wants it anymore.

You find that being rejected and the reason they give is that you're perfect and deserve someone better, when really you're nowhere near perfect is the most absurd and most painful thing I've ever heard. All it does is confuse me even more. So to be with them, you have to try to show them there's something wrong with you, only then will they consider it? 😕

A tall, tall wall looms in front of me. What's the view on the other side? What does it look like on the other side? The view from the top.... It's a view I could never see on my own. But if I'm not doing it alone I just might be able to see it.

Sounds as easy as One... Two.. Three... doesn’t it? But do not be fooled it is an illusion played by simplicity itself. Simple as it sounds there are innumerable processes in between that tend to make us to forget to live instead we drone on to make a living.. Such an ironic statement that is. But what brought the writing of this note is me at 5AM writing up a resume, see because I might be getting a job opportunity soon. And I pretty much would like to get that job. Quite simply because I am tired of being penniless...... And the job in question is on the edges of my career path. I laugh in my head at the folly that is job hunting. Like a wild animal anything that comes with in my range and territory is fair game. All in the name of wanting to be able to afford the things I so desperately want which is dangerous, makes question my character which I know is far from perfect. We’ll see. For I can only wait for the future to unfold as I do what I can and must today.

I don't know. Yes, I don't know. Or should it be NO. I don't know. Well, I don't know I was thinking about the correct use of language there and I ended up making a pun. But anyway it is scary admitting you don't know. It's scary not knowing, when you think you should. When you're 25 and you supposed have it all figured out. And I feel like am further away from figuring it out than when I was younger. Because I am old enough to know better but I am still young enough to hope. But will that be enough? I ask myself. Or am I just high on my pipe dreams??? Because again I say I don't know. Then comes the question who will I share these hopes and dreams with? Because everyone who I had in mind don't have me in mind to be that one person they can share. So they come but they leave.. Any we'll see what this year brings. I just know it has to be different this year.. *Playing "Youth" by Daughter in the background*

Heartfelt There comes a time when I have to express myself. When I can not hold on any longer to the things I feel and want to say. I can not keep these feelings inside. I have to express them. Don't you have such moments? Am I the only one who it happens to? At such times, I let it all out. I pour my heart out into words, words that can not begin to describe entirely how I feel about the world and people and family and friends and most importantly how I feel about you. Laying my soul bare for you to see that I do not want to hide anything from you not even my feelings. Because it is only you who I want to be vulnerable with. My only consolation being that I did say it or I tried to let you know, and that I never kept it to myself. But when I do afterwards sometimes I can not help but feel stupid, because you do not respond. You say nothing. And I pretend I do not feel hurt that you do not acknowledge my courage and my feelings. I lick my wounds and they fade a little and then I feel like fool when I come back and try again only to get the same treatment of indifference and ignorance. Searching for a fool's gold I guess. A fool's errand of trying to get you to give me.... You. All of you, your beautiful face, your brilliant mind and your kind heart. The things I've watched you time and again give to many less deserving than I am. When I only ask for one chance make you feel like the woman you were meant to be. Happy, wanted, cherished, respected and never taken for granted. The only one I would ever want and need. If only you could really hear me... If only you could really see me... Then we wouldn't be going to sleep feeling alone in this big world...

So I paste this smile on my face and pretend everything’s alright. Because I don’t want to be a bother to anyone with these problems in my life. I guess am more happy for them instead of myself. Silently yearning for help. Somebody to notice that am not quite as cheerful as I seem. And come on their own accord. Because when I tell them myself they come listen act interested and when they’re tired they just leave. Leaving me alone with thoughts, too scared to let anybody inside. I’ve learnt that most people pretend to care. And everybody forgets the little things I always remember. And that’s what makes me so hopelessly alone.

She’s the one who makes me see who I am. She’s the one who shows me that I can. She’s the one who makes me believe. She’s the one who I think about when I wake up every morning. She’s the one who I pray for before I lay down to rest before I sleep. She’s the one I dream about almost every night. She’s the one I see when I close my eyes. She’s the one I want. She’s the one I need. She’s the one. And I want to be the one for her. The one that makes her heartbeat a little faster. The one that makes her smile. The one that she thinks about most of the time. The one whose voice she wants to hear. The one that makes her day. The one she always wants to hold her hand. The one she wants by her side . The one who is always there for her. The one she wants. The one she need.

If for a moment she could read my eyes, she would see the care I have for her. The emotions that start in my head but which never quite get to my lips... To be spoken, and be heard.. Which start as simple thoughts of her, in my mind I can't control but still make me smile when am alone. Will she ever know... No one else could respect her the way I do... Is it love? I can't tell because it's different from what I usually feel. I wonder what goes through her mind when she thinks of me. I wonder.. I wonder..

Self-Conversation So everyday I wake up. To what end I am yet to find out. The connections I have seem so few and far between that they are really not worth mentioning. The impressions I have made seem to barely leave a mark. If I were to disappear who would retell my story, and say I was one of the best of people? Am I one of the best of people to begin with... I try to be. But my attempts end usually in failure and go for the most part unnoticed. Reminds me of the saying. Stop trying, just do it. So I must have not done it yet... Will I ever be done.. And today here I will end this conversation with myself.

And to those who read, they wonder how could I possibly have weaved intricate yet understandable tales. My flight of fancies, my memories..

Of the many things I see. I have always wondered why certain people act a certain way around different people. And to the extreme doing something of doing or say something they on their own wouldn't. I've seen good people become cruel just appease the image they perceive they are known by. And I find it sad really. Even I am not completely immune to that behavior. But I still try to draw the line with what I think is right and will not do or say something that would outrightly go against the few principles I do have. Because in my opinion there is no rule against doing good things for anyone and everyone you interact with and if you do not you set the trap of being misunderstood and acting in the way you think that person wants you to act. It is quite a vicious cycle. Everybody doing the same thing doesn't make it right. So instead of acting out who you are, be who you want to be. No one should influence who you want to be just so you can be socially acceptable. Something else no one seems to tell you is that the lot of them secretly admire you for standing by your principles whatever the situation instead of being a chameleon changing color to blend "in". "in"visible and "in"significant.

I looked at the picture of her I had and I made a vow to myself, because I realized I never want to hurt her, intentionally or accidentally. She would never deserve it because she has such a beautiful soul. Such an honest heart. A kind soul. And in the moment I wrote this I knew she is the one. She has to be if she makes me think this way. Makes me see my previous intimacies were really never going to really work. Truly I have found a woman worth more than anything I could possibly ever give. I can only hope she will one day see me as more than just her friend, despite my many numerous faults. That would really be a dream come true.

I guess I do live by this subconciously. Because people say I’m nice, I’m kind. But to be honest in the long scheme of things I do have ulterior motives. Sounds absolutely sinister yes that I do nice things to get something in return. But is it I want in return for my good nature.. I’ll tell you what it’s appreciation. For me I want that acknowledgement from the people that matter to me. Yes it is a selfish reason but I’m only human. My good deeds and kind words are a form of expression for me, and if they are not acknowledged I don’t feel important to whoever is on the receiving end. I enjoy making people smile and really what I want is someone who would do the same for me without me having to ask for it. There’s just something about be on the receiving end of something good you didnt ask for. It makes you feel like you matter, like you’re worth something. As much as I give that feeling to a lot of the people that matter I hardly get that feeling myself. And I’m too stubborn for my own good to stop being so nice to everyone, because I have this hope that one day it might just be worth it and each day I keep walking on this fools errand of mine. And I guess not everyone lives according to Karma or the Golden Rule and what not….