#self conversation

yeah. I absolutely do. Our silly little guy. We love him.

I completely forgot there’re 3 mode in beast yeast (until I realized)

You deserve art because you exist. And you exist in terrible times that make you think you have to earn things by undergoing trauma and overworking yourself. You’re burnt out. You still deserve to paint.

wanting to make plans with people other than you isn't inconsiderate. it is when they only want to do it to drink with other people. you know that's not true. what if it is? what if they would rather be with people who don't have weird hang ups abt alcohol and they leave me forever? he's assured you it's not like that. people lie! they lie all the time, especially if they think your feelings will be hurt! and he was only talking about Her. not everyone. what if he likes drinking more than he likes me? then he's not w- don't fucking tell me he's not worth it. don't tell me that makes him a bad friend. i don't wanna hear that. then what do you want me to tell you? what do you want to hear? i- i dont know. i just don't want to be left again. you know you need to communicate how it makes you feel. otherwise we'll just end up in the same place again. i know. but it's scary. what is? being vulnerable like that. you've been vulnerable with it before. yeah but only abt how other people make us feel. not it. what if it upsets it? then you figure it out together. i don't want to figure it out together, it's easier to close myself off and pretend everything is fine. you're being passive aggressive. everything is not fine. you NEED to communicate, you want healthy relationships? this is how you do them. communication. ...please don't make me. i'm not going to make you do anything. you have to choose it. he's your friend, we're just here to help you. ...i know.

yeah sorry i know this is weird. a little bit yeah. that's fair. i just wanted to talk to you a little. why? to be honest? im not sure. i think i just wanted to see if i could. or if it made me feel anything. well... did it? i think so. i was kind of hoping for a little more but. y'know. ah. sorry. its all good, not your fault. hey can i,,, ask you a question? or is that against the rules? yeah, shoot, there's no rules here. does it ever stop? does what stop? you know. the. uhm. the everything. ah. well, no. it actually gets... worse? oh. yeah. then why are you,, here? why didn't you- because i'm a pussy. oh. yeah. nah, for real though, initially because i was too scared but now it's. i have friends. real ones. who care properly and love me. and honestly? a little bit of hope. hope? why? because it actually doesn't suck that bad, hope doesn't always lead to pain anymore. so,, it,, gets better? i suppose so, in a way. it's not always better, sometimes it's worse. but- but! overall, it's better. oh. okay. sorry, i know it's not really the answer you wanted. that's okay. at least it doesn't suck all the time i guess. true! true. i think i have to go now but. is it okay if i come back sometime? oh uh- yeah! yeah that's fine. cool. cool.

Do distract yourself my dear.