Trigger warning: sexual assault, rape
Terrance Tan Junyan is a multi-talented artist who dabbles in scriptwriting, coding and enjoys board games in his free time. He prides himself on being a feminist, has a friendly exterior and loves to help others. He helped me get through my audition into Musical Theatre at a local conservatoire/school of the arts and even shot my headshot for me, which resulted in my eventual acceptance and scholarship. We dated for awhile and he helped me through some tough depressive and anxiety filled episodes in my life.
And till today, he has never acknowledged it. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I oscillate between hating him and being proud of his achievements from afar in the way a fond friend would be. I have never forgotten what he has done for me. And to me.
I don't consciously walk around thinking of myself as a rape victim or survivor but my body remembers. My reptilian brain kicks in and my throat tightens when I'm in a room alone with a new/big man. I see him around from time to time since we're in the same industry and it paralyses me every time. Immediately, I feel the ground fall away. I realise that my anxiety attacks started the same year of the incident and it occurs to me that I will never be the same again.
I touch this scar knowing that deep underneath the hardened exterior there is a festering that surfaces from time to time like a fever. It makes me curious to know that one event in a phantom relationship that went nowhere, once upon a time in my life, could affect me so much.
I'm not sure what I need to heal fully. But I think it would be right to start with him acknowledging what he did to me.
This is starting to dredge up some tough feelings to swallow and I have a show tonight. So I best get on with it.