thelifeofnosilla

Maybe I should start writing the year so I know where we are in time.

The self sabotaging Queen is back!

No but really, it's been a while and I am at a weird place in my life where I have a health issue I probably caused myself and my mom is really making statements like, "it is the heat". I do not know why but it unlocked so many doors, to hating her again and just people in my family all together like my younger brother. I keep thinking about this comment he made when we drove to Pennsylvania for my niece's graduation. He said, "Nobody liked you two years ago." when we were having a conversation about me believing someone did not like me. The comment truly annoys me because my younger brother lives in this bubble where he believes that he knows everything and that when two or three people (from my mother's side of the family to be clear) do not like me, this means nobody in this world. It is actually kind of funny but also very annoying at the same time. I just am tired of my family wanting so bad to hear themselves talk, it is so exhausting. I truly believe I need to go back to being in my bubble.

Anyone who reads my blog probably can see that I am always self sabotaging. Yay me? Nothing has changed in my life when it comes to my weight. I really hope I did not gain more weight but my body has been hurting more than usually. Could be my gums as well as they have been so sore lately, thankfully I have a dentist appointment this coming Thursday. I am starting to think that maybe yoga is another thing I really want to incorporate in my life. I know I am not a big fan of the gym, I really have to figure out if this is something I am going to do for myself. I really need to figure out this weight loss journey because I am only hurting myself at the end of the day.

I think with my gums so sensitive lately, everything just bothers me though but I am truly trying to make a change. I need to stop talking and just do. I always think I am going to turn to writing to help me with my journey but another month passed and I did not come on here to write.

Well as you know, this is yet another random post for me to get out some thoughts.

Woahhhhh, it's 2023 and I can not believe that the last time I was on here was in October. Nothing has changed in my life I see, I am still self sabotaging and not taking care of myself. I definitely gained the only weight I lost back and am only down 1.3 pounds from where I started.

More Updates *reads previous posts*

No more 3 1/2 hours to myself in the morning now even if I wake up early, I have to start commuting to work now, maybe it's time to find a new job. I guess I have not fully decided yet but I do have my friend from high school taking a look at my resume. I could of gone to sleep now and been ready to be up at 5am tomorrow to get my routine going but I am ordering UberEats which I should not be doing and pouring myself into this post because I feel like shit today and my mind is just everywhere. I have been cramping like crazy but no period, so I hope I am not pregnant again because if I am, I clearly keep making stupid decisions. I thought that things would get better but just because it is a new year, does not mean things will just magically change, I need to change.

As I continue to read through my posts, I do not want to be in a bad place again. Right now I do not feel that horrible but it is definitely possible to go back down that hole again. I need to bring myself back before it happens ASAP. **got lost in my old posts reading*

I could have been down over 12 pounds but I am back now at down 9 pounds. I could not really get out of bed this morning, maybe because it was really cold in my room or maybe because I am not ready to work out, I am not too sure but I am up now. My goal was 6am but it is now 7:53am and I am up writing. I do have a lot of pain in my neck and shoulders lately, I have been told that is where stress goes to so I am going to massage myself after I get off from here, maybe I will stretch after. It sucks because I do not have much time for myself in the mornings but I need to take advantage and be up by 6am so I can have those 3 1/2 hours to myself each day.

Just looked out my window and it is a rainy day here in NYC. Checked the weather and it looks like this is how it will be all morning. Of course it will be raining the next two days which are my office days. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays I feel like I never have much time for myself. If they took away our WFH, I would honestly struggle. I have had so much work/life balance while I have read on Instagram that so much people do not. I do work hard at my job but come on, we get to wear whatever we want and work however we want. You can have the tv playing in the background (which is hard for me) or have music playing. You can cook while you work, work out while you work. Literally I mean, you can do anything. Something we should all take advantage of if we have the opportunity.

Hello there,

So I noticed that it has been exactly one month since I have posted on here. Is this why my mind is lingering and the urge to write fell upon me at 11pm at night? To be honest I cannot sleep, but I mean it is early for someone who lives in NYC. My partner has a new job and so he is already sleeping by this time. I mean that was my plan to right? To be on this entire routine? WELL, here we go again. That routine no longer exists, I lost 10 pounds to begin to gain it all over again. I do not even need to get on the scale, I can feel it in my body. Plus I have been eating so bad that I just feel terrible in general. I clearly have something mentally wrong with my brain, which I have always known but I keep falling back into the same habits. I need to really find some control over myself and get in together. I scroll on Instagram all day and I do not understand how I am even ok with looking how I look, knowing how unhappy I am.

Ugh, I feel like writing this post today seems so dark but that is just how I feel. I am back in a bad place that I only put myself into. I need to bounce back and get it together. This is why I wanted to be in a routine and I wanted to write everyday, even if it was to say I am ok because holding up for a month with my thoughts just is not the way to go. The good thing is that when I am on here, I just let myself write everything that I am feeling. I was watching The Luckiest Girl Alive on Netflix today and the best advice I ever heard was to write as if no one you know was reading it, that is when you do your best writing. I guess having this blog was the best thing I ever did for myself. I just need to take more advantage of it.

I do not really know what is going on with me but I guess I am in a weird place in life and instead of going after what makes me happy of controlling what I can control, I seem to do the opposite. I told my partner that everything would change once I got our own place and now we have been here for almost 4 years and nothing has really changed for me, other than the fact that I feel the freedom of being in my own space. I mean let me rewind here, honestly a lot has clearly changed in my life, I have a good job, we have our own space, I am more at peace with myself and can have time to myself to just think BUT I did not do anything about my weight or taking care of myself. The self sabotaging does not stop and I do not think it matters where I am. I wanted to move into this new apartment because it mostly had a gym in the building and I told myself it would push me to work out, but would it? I lock myself in this apartment and sometimes I do not even want to go up and down the stairs. Should I do therapy? Maybe but I do not feel like I am ready for that, maybe I am scared or maybe I just do not want to talk about the traumas in my life. One thing I do know is that I am 30 years old and I want better in life.

Everything I write, I always say that my mind starts to linger and it is right now. Thinking about my relationship and if my partner is even happy with me. Sometimes I feel like I am worried about everyone else and never myself. He has even said it himself. I think that if he saw me worried about myself, he would honestly be happier. Happier to be with someone who actually cares about themselves. I have been saying this out loud lately to some friends that I feel like I pulled him back from having a better life than the one he has now and knowing that I have not even tried. So many times he has told me, just save, please just save your money and I cannot even do that. I know that I need to be better and I am going to be. I am going to work on it. I know that I can be better but I have to put in the work. That is the other thing, I do not put in work into anything. Doing something for 1-2 weeks is not putting in work, it is about being consistent. Either way I know that I can be better and I need to make sure I do that.

I should definitely go to sleep soon and take in that tomorrow is a new day to work towards a better me. I hope that as I come on here and write, that I find growth in myself.

I should hopefully find myself back on here tomorrow, if not, definitely Monday for sure as I hop back into my weekly routine. I want to start moving with intention and doing things intentionally in my life.

It is finally fall as of Thursday, September 22nd. How exciting, "SWEATER WEATHER, FINALLY SWEATER WEATHER". I am not excited for the winter though, I do not like winter. Just Fall/Spring please lol.

Any who, hope you all are well and have had a great weekend so far. I hurt the top of my foot last night and I really do not know how but other than that, I have had a very relaxing weekend which is the first in a long time. I spent a lot of time with myself, even up to now at 2:53PM EST.

Yesterday I had my alarm for 9am, which I now do on the weekends to get in a routine along with my week. I was able to take my time waking up and starting my day. I took my time stretching, meditating, doing some yoga and even working out. I was really one with myself and my body. I honestly woke up with a feeling to want to do nothing and my lower back was hurting, something that started happening recently (I am sure I need to go to the doctor soon, I really need an annual checkup). While I was working out I really thought I was going to come home and take a bath but my body was just going through it and I just wanted to shower and lay down. I did not even want to eat. Throughout the day I did my budget and was mostly playing a game on my phone. To be honest I was pretty bored with my day, I did not know what to do with myself. I wanted to read but my mind was elsewhere, my apartment was clean and I was just in another world. I am currently what you would call broke, even though I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge and light in my apartment. I have not followed my budget correctly, so I am not able to do anything for myself and enjoy myself. Part of me wanted to go into the city but I did not have money and if I got hungry or anything, I knew it would only make me upset since I have been working out and do not want to be outside with no food, hungry.

Random thought, I need to look into these cash envelopes, I want to see if it will help me with having money for what I need. I am still working on getting my budget correct but I do not have a stable check amount and I am always everywhere.

Back to yesterday, I ended up cooking some chicken teriyaki, my partner likes how I make it so I made that and he came home and made the fried rice and that is what we had for dinner. With his new job he is working 6 days a week and waking up early. I could not fall asleep the same time he fell asleep and since I randomly hurt my foot, I was just surfing the web and icing my foot.

Today is a new day though, my foot still hurts, so I did not work out but I made sure to get up and not stay in bed, clean my bathtub and run a bath. It was great to be able and relax my body. It still hurts a little, including my foot but I hope to feel better by tomorrow as I plan to wake up for 6am and work out. If you read my previous post, I have been reading, something I am trying to make into an everyday habit for myself. I have been to myself today, my partner slept in and I was doing my own thing. We are about to head out and run some errands though so I am going to sign off. Cannot forget about coming back and looking deep into cash envelopes though, haha.

I found out I have 10 hours left with this book on the Libby App and I cannot re-borrow it at the moment due to so many people having this book on hold. I wanted to share some things that really stuck with me while reading the book so far. I am 100/324 pages in so far, hopefully I will be able to get through it before my 10 hours are up.

Also for people who do not know what the Libby App is, it is the library app so instead of paying money for so many books, you can borrow the ebook for free. All you need is a library card which I believe you can sign up for online.

Chapter 1. Making Sense of the World

"Our brain is organized to act and feel before we think. This is how our brain develops - sequentially, from the bottom up. The developing infant acts and feels, and these actions and feelings help organize how they will begin to think." -Dr. Perry

I am guessing that is why they always tell us to not make decisions based on our feelings. Do not act off emotion. Something that I still need to become better at. So many times I just act because of feeling before thinking about my next move. I feel like this is something that definitely has hurt me over the years.

"For one child, eye contact means, "I care for you; I'm interested in you." For another, it may mean, "I'm about to tell at you." Moment by moment in early life, our developing brain sorts and stores our personal experiences, making our personal "codebook" that helps interpret the world. Each of us creates a unique worldview shaped by our life's experiences." -Dr. Perry

"When you've been groomed to be compliant, confrontation in any form is uncomfortable because you were never taught that you have the right to say no; in fact, you were taught that you can't say no. The sense that you are deserving enough to set your own boundaries has been stolen from you. Many people react by burying their feelings of "no" and becoming people pleasers." -Oprah

I have always felt like I did not have the right to say no, sometimes even now in my adulthood and I am currently 30 years of age. I always wanted to please others, always put everyone before myself to end up hurt and depressed. I am not working on putting myself first so that I can find happiness in my life. I struggle with setting boundaries. I do not even fully understand boundaries yet. It is as if I can let people cross them with me and I have crossed others as well. Probably why I struggle in my relationship. I have been in a relationship for 12 years and I know that I struggle respecting my partner's boundaries and he has definitely set some. He recently told me that he feels as if I do not respect him. It sucks because that is how my parent's relationship was. Neither one of them respected each other and this is not the relationship(s) I want to have in my life.

"When we meet someone, we form a first impression ("He seems like a really nice guy"), frequently with no apparent information on which to base it. This is because attributes of the person evoke in us something we've previously categorized as familiar and positive. The opposite can happen ("This guy is a complete jerk") if some attribute taps into a previous negative experience." -Dr. Perry

My dad embodies the definition of "complete jerk" even though I wish I had a relationship with him. Hopefully not the reason that I attract jerks in my life. My dad was abusive towards my mom and when my mom finally left him, he decided to pretend he did not have a family. I have not heard from my dad in years. He is the reason I never wanted to date a Spanish man once I went to college. I felt like they all treated woman badly plus I dated one already who had cheated on me. So there was no point in ever looking that way.

Chapter 2. Seeking Balance

"When I'm around someone who drains me, I put a barrier - a nonphysical wall that keeps the person's negative energy away. I've also created a sacred personal space, blocking out Sundays as a time of renewal, allowing myself to be with myself, allowing myself simply to be." -Oprah

You would think that Oprah and I were the same person when it came to this statement. Before I used to definitely let myself be around people who drain me, maybe I still do in a way but I have gotten better at managing it. I feel no way to block people out completely, if I see them on social media, just block them. I rather not entertain the negativity in my life. To be honest I feel like I should not even engage with anyone that hurt me before or give them a way to encounter me. I think that is another issue I have, or it may not be an issue but I kinda opened up a clean slate for the world around me and if they cross a boundary than I block them out. Question is, should I just block them out to begin with?

As far as Sundays go, I do not work on Sundays and I do not make plans with my friends. It is a day for myself and my partner. I either indulge in myself like I am today or I spend time with him going out, maybe grabbing lunch or dinner and getting things we may need for the house. I just protect my Sundays for a day to disconnect and be one with myself.

I have so many other things highlighted in this book but these were just some things that really had me thinking this morning/afternoon. You know the book is good when it makes you cry and you take it into the bathtub with you (yes I took a whole very needed bath today). I have to urge to share my day in the next post. I will see you there.

I feel like I should be more excited about this but I am not too excited just because I can be eating better and following a much better routine for myself. I want to use my Saturday to do some research on food, exercising and everything health related. As I said before, I am trying to take my health serious so I need to really educate myself.

Random thought I had before I got on here to write. I told myself I need to block myself off from all negativity. If someone makes me feel jealous, hurt or anything negative, I need to just block that person. To be honest I do not even know why I would be jealous of anyone but sometimes I just feel like I wish my life was a little bit different. I never want to act on jealously but I also need to find be in a place that I do not get jealous, that all has to do with my self conscious and I guess I never admitted to it. Maybe we all get jealous or maybe there is something wrong with my mental, either way, I do not like the feeling.

Anyways, I just wanted to come on here and post an update since I have not posted in over a week. My mind has been everywhere. I just want to get to a good place financially and of course with my health and I think I will start just feeling better over all. Really need to work on myself and being a better girlfriend too (I feel like I never admitted to this either but definitely something I need to work on). I told myself this year was about working on myself so I need to continue to do that and not stop.

Happy 30th Birthday Anthony! I know there is a huge party going on in heaven! ❤️

Day 2 of me working out, Tuesdays & Wednesdays will be my rest day since I commute to work on those days. Hopefully I can find a way to get 10,000 steps in on those days though to make up for some activity in my life. I am really trying to take this weight loss thing serious. Believe it or not but I weighed myself this morning and I was already down 1 pound or I guess you can say 0.06 pounds. I do not know if I will weigh myself everyday because they say you should not but it feels good when you see you have lost a couple of pounds. I guess I need to find a day to schedule that.

Remember how I said my mind lingers sometimes, well I just read this..."If you're really committed to losing weight, weighing yourself every day can be helpful. Research shows that people who weigh themselves every day have even more success with weight loss than those who weigh in once a week." I guess maybe I can weigh myself everyday. The one thing I do plan is to do it before I get dressed to work out in the morning.

So I was wrong about the game time yesterday, it definitely was not at 1pm, it was at 4:25pm. We were a little worried the Giants would lose but we won 21-20! Ayyy! That was basically my Sunday after I journaled. Well I spoke to one of my best friends, went on a walk with my boyfriend, watched some tv, watched the game, did his hair and relaxed to go to bed. A Sunday I do not mind AT ALL. Sometimes we do go out on Sundays and have lunch somewhere and pick up some stuff if we need anything but it was nice to stay in for the most part.

I am pretty happy that I stood with this for two days, the real challenge is skipping Tuesday and Wednesday and coming back to my routing on Thursday. That is where I really can test myself.

I do want to say congratulations and good luck to my boyfriend today who starts his new job. I know he is dying to leave his current job which I do not blame him because it sucks. I know what it is like to leave a toxic place and end up in a better job. Like myself, even though my job now is filled with bullshit, it is the longest job I have held because it is not as toxic as my prior jobs and the hybrid schedule definitely helps, giving me work life balance that I have never had.

Well I think I am going to end here this morning, I want to shower and relax before I start my day at work. As well as plan my day of course.

Hello everyone, it is my first day back to working out. How do I feel? I mean I wish I was not 370 pounds for starters because this feels like it is going to be an insane journey but I am happy to have at least started somewhere. The stairs is WAY too hard, I literally could not breathe but I need to do this 5 days a week so I can get used to walking up and down the stairs without feeling winded. Also, I need to stop taking the elevator period. I am telling myself I need to take the stairs no matter how I feel in my day. If I do not have my shopping cart and can find my way up the stairs, I need to do it.

I noticed my schedule might not go as I exactly planned. I can actually share below how I thought my weekend routines would go but I am already seeing there will be some adjustments.

9am - Wake Up / 9:30am - Meditate & Stretch / 10am - Work Out / 11am - Shower / 11:30am - Brunch / 12pm - Tumblr (yes this needs to be in my routine lol).

Well it is 10:37am now and I am here on Tumblr journaling since that is what I am going to call it moving forward. I told my boyfriend yesterday that I journal online since we were watching Riverdale and he said Betty had way too many journals lol. He asked why do I share it online and publicly and I explained that you never know if someone is reading your story and it can help their day.

Random, I just noticed what today's date is wow...9/11. RIP to all the lives lost that day, it is insane how time has flow by us. Also tomorrow would have been Anthony's 30th birthday, may he RIP. I miss him everyday, wish I could just text him right now.

As far as my routine goes, I feel like getting a big cup of ice water and getting on my laptop after working out may be the way to go, maybe not always but today it feels right and all my thoughts are fresh in my head. I guess this is when all my thinking is happening.

My boyfriend told me last night that I have a super short attention span and honestly I am noticing that a lot now lol. I laugh because as I was typing on here, I looked out the window and it looked as it was going to rain so I hoped on my phone to check the weather and it definitely is going to rain today. Looks like an all day type of rainy day. I just always have a lot of things going on in my head.

Money - let us talk about money because I said I always have a lot of things in my head. I do not know if I really ever speak about money with anyone or with myself. What I do know is that I am learning not to stress that aspect of life anymore. Not that I am saying that money is not important but I was sitting here stressing money for months I did not even have. I learned I have to make money and be able to budget that correctly so that I can be in a good place in life. I think after this I need to actually be realistic with my debts and write it all down so that I can start making moves. I am waiting to find out from Darian if we are going to go to Vegas in December, if not, I still plan to save money but I also plan to start paying down my debt earlier than expected which would be in February.

This is where my thoughts gap out for the morning. I know there is a Giants game today at 1pm, if my boyfriend is up we may watch it, if not I may just keep up with the score. I definitely want to deep clean my bathroom today, I do not know really about my kitchen but I would like to at least run the dishwasher and have all the dishes done, counters clean and floor mopped. Maybe during the week or next Saturday I can actually deep clean the kitchen, it's been a while and it is the only part of the house really left to deep clean other than the bathroom but my bathroom is tiny.

I think next weekend I should get myself a mani/pedi because my nails look insane and I think it will help me feel better. Adding this to my biweekly self care routine.

Well it has been real all you beautiful people. Let me get into some debt write downs and other stuff including some very well needed Self Care.

Well well well, I guess I was not able to keep up with my everyday posts. I actually read back 2 posts ago and noticed I was in a really bad place and writing definitely helped me out. I have actually been doing a lot better in general. I am trying to make writing one of my everyday habits as well as waking up early and working out.

I SWEAR I AM TRYING!

Some updates in life, I am 30 years old now. I actually found out why I was feeling so shitty and going through a lot mentally. I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant (still trying to figure out how we got pregnant!) But we are unfortunately not in a good place to bring a child into this world. I had to really be smart about my decision (I know so many people would say if I was being smart than I would have not gotten pregnant). I am just thankful that I live in a state where I am able to make a decision. Since I was so early in the pregnancy, I was able to take the pill. While many disagree with this, I know many woman are going through this everyday and may you all get through this. Nothing about it is easy. I will be honest and say even though nothing about this was easy, I feel better and motivated to change my life for the better and have been making small changes in my life. I do not let things bother me or stress me out as I once did. I value a lot of things differently in life, I want to pay off my debt and save money. I want to also take care of me and my mental health. To be honest when I started writing today, I did not think I was going to talk about this but as I always say, my story can help someone, if anyone every comes across my page.

Trying to think of any other life updates and I looked around and I finally got to clean up my living room! I never got the chance to really deep clean my apartment other than the bathroom, my room and a closet after everything was painted. So it is nice to be able to have a normal living room for once. I am working today 8am-5pm but I am getting through what I need to finish in the apartment throughout the day. So many tedious things to get through, like clean all my makeup brushes lol. I told my boyfriend I want to throw them out and buy new ones, it's just a lot!

Mhm so here I am sitting and thinking lol (this is what I do all day, everyday now). WELL, I ordered this planner and calendar from simpleself.co. I wanted it to come in so bad this weekend and it is! It originally said Monday but when I checked last night, it was thankfully getting here today! Wohoo! I feel like that is going to help me keep on track with a lot of things, my life in general, my health, work and my habits.

Talking about work, I do not know how I really feel about work. I do not hate it or love it, it is as if I am comfortable but not at the same time. It gives me the work/life balance I need honestly. I WFH Monday, Thursday and Friday and I am only in the office on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Yes, full remote work would be ideal but the hybrid schedule is not bad and it gets me out of the house so that I actually have to get dressed and look presentable lol. I have become close with one of my coworkers and he is planning to leave, which at first was my intention, but now I am not focused on leaving. I am just staying around, doing my job and just trying to work on me. To be honest I do not know what else I would want to do with my career at the moment. I have been looking at jobs here and there and cannot really find anything. I applied to a job paying $125k/year but I do not know if it is my true interest or if I would even get an interview. I know I have a job so it was more like a why not apply kind of situation. Either way, I think I am going to stay until next year, I do not know when but I do not think I plan to leave this year unless something better falls in my lap. Let me be honest, ANYTHING can happen.

Since I am in a better mental space these past few weeks, I can still use this as my way to jot my thoughts down from probably the night before. I noticed when I am upset and come to write here though, I feel so much better but I want to get used to writing about my wins.

WEIGHT UPDATE by the way. I went to the doctor yesterday and I found out I was 372 pounds, surprised as I have gotten up to 377 but I am not eating outside, I have in fact been cooking and eating home food. I weighed myself this morning and I am at 370 so that is my starting weight to my weight loss journey. I am going on my Fitbit app and deleting all my prior weight updates, I just want to start fresh. I am changing how I am treating my body and I am going to start working out. I learned that I am tired of looking at the past and want to only look at the present and see how I can be better for the future. I have to lose 210 pounds to get to my weight goal of 160 pounds. Let me be honest and say I would be good at 220 pounds honestly. That is the weight I think I was at when I first started dating my boyfriend. I have a paper from the nutritionist that shows the weight I was on February 16, 2012 which was 276 pounds. We started dating March 7, 2011. I wonder if I gained 56 pounds in between or I can not remember my weight. Either way, maybe I can shoot for 220 first after 300 of course which is definitely my first goal. So now I have decided, 300, 220 & 160! Wohoo! I need to lose 70 pounds.

This is how random my life is, I had my personal laptop on the side and I am like, I am pretty sure I did not post yet so I go back and it is still open. Work got crazy busy and then I made myself some breakfast lol.

So plans for today, going to deep clean the kitchen and the bathroom and then my apartment is done, wohoo. Some tedious things to get done around the house but I will get to it.

It is Day 2 and I am back on here writing. Crazy because this is the second time I woke up this morning and I told myself I have to stay up. I guess I was letting myself sleep in but on the weekends I want to wake up at 9am. It is a little hot in my apartment so that is part of the reason but I have a lot of stuff I need to get done. By the way, I have not even brushed my teeth or washed my face before I came on here to write. I wanted to but I felt the urge to come on here first. This might be my mediation to get through my days moving forward.

Well, Happy Saturday! Yesterday I cut and dyed my hair (I cut the front of my hair a little too short so now I have bangs). A little sad but I know it's just hair and it will grow back. I just need to style it a certain way moving forward.

Some wins in my life this morning, I use Self which I was using to help me with my credit. I paid it off in full yesterday. I am trying to do decide if I am going to open another loan. My boyfriend said it just sucks I am using my money for a credit card but the benefit is, if I close it, I receive all my money back, if it is paid of course.

8 days until my 30th birthday.

This is literally my brain everyday lol. I think of different things randomly which reminds me. I am going back to self care Fridays. I need to make sure I am doing something for myself at least once a week and I am going back to doing my nails every two weeks. This is so necessary. Hopefully I get to the nail salon today, if not I will have to go back tomorrow. Since I dyed my hair black, all my nails turned dark since they were white.

I am getting to the point where I feel satisfied with writing for the day (I think this might actually be a day/night thing). I am going to go off feeling. I am ready to go brush my teeth, wash my face and start my day. Sitting in my living room and looking at my apartment, I have A LOT to get done today. Plus I want to make my way to 125th today so that I can go to Whole Foods. SO whether everything is done in the house or not, I need to make my way outside. Currently wishing I had a Target right next to me and a Starbucks lol.

Well I hope you all have a great and successful Saturday.

Yeah it's been a while, noticed my last post said something about 365 pounds. Well whatever I said in that post probably did not happen because I am now 375 pounds. 10 pounds heavier and not sure I am really liking my life because of it. I decided to come on here and write (even though this should be a daily thing for me) because I am going into a deep depression. I honestly have no idea what is going on with me but I was out of it all day.

Yesterday I found out that I got accepted for what was my little "dream" apartment but sadly we are not going to take it because my partner and I do not have money saved up for it. It had everything I needed/wanted and even a gym in the building WHICH WAS WHAT I REALLY WANTED. I feel like having a gym in the building would just help me stay motivated even though lately I feel like nothing motivates me.

Just a disclaimer that I am going to babble off about different things today. I just needed to get everything going on in my life the past few months out.

Anyways, I got into a situation where I wasn't paying my rent for a few months and now owe a lot of back rent which could get me evicted by the end of September if I do not get it paid. My partner pays the ConEd and WiFi while I pay for the rent. This was kinda the deal moving in since he was not even ready to move out of his father's house but I asked him to move in with me. The plan is when we move from here to go 50/50 on everything and honestly rent at this place is so cheap!

I will probably keep this post private so that everyone is not in my business/our business now that I think about it. (DECIDED TO POST, YOUR STORY CAN HELP SOMEONE ELSE!)

ANYWHO, I am in debt, I know I can get paid more at a new job, I feel like I owe everyone and everything. I don't even know what to do anymore (lol). I guess the real truth is that I am at a loss in life at the moment. I do not even take care of myself and I really need to start. I try here and there but nothing is consistent so I need to put some real discipline in my life because I do not know wtf I am even doing anymore. I am going to read my past post after this just to see where things went wrong for me and see if I can catch myself back up.

As I am writing this, I am thinking that I need to do the $0 budget where all my money goes somewhere so that I cannot find an excuse to spend money on something I do not need. I deleted the food apps from my iPhone but those are just a download away and I fall right back into that trap. Urgh. I do not know what I am going to do as I keep saying here (lol). I cannot even open up a regular bank account because I have messed up all my relationships with the banks and I do not have the money to mend those relationships. I can sit here and dwell on all the what ifs of life but I am letting that go. I need to leave all of my past in the past and truly move forward in life.

I guess I am starting to feel a little better as I write everything out. This is what I need to do in general, even with work, I need to just write about it and vent into my writing so I do not react at work or in life in general. I know a lot of people say just go to therapy but I do not feel ready I guess to take that next step. I also noticed I do not like talking to people much in conversation, I rather pour it all into a book at this point. I just do not want to speak about my trauma and my life. Maybe everyone thinks I am crazy but this might work best for me right now until I find myself ready to take that step.

I do want to share that my anxiety has gotten a little bit better. I could not even get out of my house at one point and I hated traveling on the MTA because I just felt like something was going to happen to me. Living in NYC can be rough. I was mostly ok until COVID hit and things got really bad and I just would rather stay home. I have plans to get out of the house tomorrow on my own so hopefully that works out for me. I want to go to Whole Foods and buy some healthy options to eat during the week. I might stop by Bath & Body Works to get myself a candle. Either way I want to start doing stuff for myself so I can feel better. I am not the girl who needs to get her hair done but definitely need to start adding getting my nails done every two weeks, mani/acrylic and a pedicure. I am in a whole relationship and my feet be looking crazy. LOL. It sounds funny but seriously we all need to care for ourselves.

I had to take a pause to go in my phone because I have been wanting to go to this nail artist for acrylic nails and I think I am going to start going to her. I need to be ready for when she opens her books since she opens them biweekly. On another note though I had red and blue hair this year but I am going to cut it and dye it black, probably might do that once I get off here. I need a break from the colors so I can stay focused on other things. I have not had black hair in a very long time but my hair short is everything for me. I do not know why but it makes me feel so good and like a true woman. When my hair is long, nothing looks nice to me, even when I blow it out. I cannot explain it but short hair seems to be the thing for me.

I am going down the list of my life to see what else has been happening and I noticed I did not even mention I am going to be 30 on Sunday, August 28th. Something about my birthday being on a Sunday feels so right but I really cannot believe I am going to be 30 years old. I really thought that I would be in a different place in life but I am not and that is totally ok. 30 is going to be a different chapter for me for sure, probably a whole new book. I want things to be different, I want to really work on me. I plan to live it up in my 30s and live life to the fullest, as well as really manifest a life for myself.

Was thinking about cleansing myself. I feel like I need a full cleanse in life, to let go of all my past and wrong doings and move forward as a better person. I do not feel like going to everyone I hurt or hurt me and speaking about it will make things better. I believe it is what you do moving forward. At this point I just see no sense in moving backwards. I hope this does not seem like a cop out in life but I just really want to start a new chapter for myself and I really want things to be different.

RANDOM BUT I need to stay the hell off Instagram lol. I feel like it sucked me back in again. I need to put most of my time into reading, educating myself and just being better. (Reminds me I want to go back to school at some point lol). But yeah, Nosilla needs to invest her time wisely!

From February 2023-July 2023, for those 6 months, I am saving and paying off debt, saving and paying off debt. I do want to buy myself a car for my 31st birthday but I am not sure yet if that will happen. I just want $10k in my savings account first and everything else can come after that. I need money put away that I do not touch so if I ever end up in a situation, at least I have some type of money. For my car, I want to be able to have my 6 months of insurance paid up front when I finance my car, because honestly I am probably not going to lease. I think it is best I finance since I plan to drive it everywhere lol.

Who knows anything..like I said before I AM LOST but I want to make moves to a better future and start manifesting my life.

I am glad I got all this out, I think I said somewhere above I will go back and read my old post but I am not going to. I am going to just move forward and one day when things in life are where I want them to be, I can always come back to see how far I have come.

I finally got up my ass and worked out. It has been a struggle to get up and workout but as I was picking up my apartment today I felt the urge to work out. I have been going through a lot with my body lately so I really need to start moving it and taking care of myself. If I do not start working out and taking care of myself, it is only going to get worse. I get so upset that I do not look different over night but if I do not start doing anything, I will never move towards my goal, I will only end up at 400 pounds.

The last time I weighed myself I was 365 pounds, I am not sure if it is just water weight since I was just 360 a few days before. I really do not want to reach 400 pounds. I have been having a lot of trouble with my lower back and after I stretched and worked out, I felt SO MUCH BETTER! It's amazing what moving your body can do.

I hope that I can keep this going for myself, I just want to be a better person. I write these posts to hold myself accountable and see my patterns. I feel like I always say I am going to do something and do not do it. It is the worst flaw that I have.

Oh Happy Saturday. Today I'm just going to talk about it ALL. It's been a while since I have been on here. I told myself I would build a routine but I am still struggling to do so but I plan to start this weekend for sure.

It's 59 degrees in NYC today. What is insane is that it is supposed to start snowing at 2am. I definitely do not understand the weather out here but lets be honest, who would be mad at the weather. Part of me wants to go downtown, go for a walk and use my Starbucks gift card I still haven't used lol. It is just nice that it will be in the 60s next week. I need to start going outside for real. I have been locked up in this apartment for basically 2 months. Once I was able to WFH, it is as I have no reason to go outside unless it's to buy groceries but really I do not even have to go out for that, I can just Instacart the way I do with Target.

This week was not such a bad week but I am super happy that it is the weekend. Work is work but it pays my bill and probably the worst thing about this week was hurting my back. I do not even know how I hurt it but it definitely happened in my sleep. I have never felt a pain so bad in my lower back before but honestly I am feeling better this morning and half of the reason I decided to come on here and type. Once I am done here I want to start really caring about myself because two days not able to do much really made me appreciate a lot of things. I am ready to go shower, wash my hair, shave, give myself a little mani pedi and etc. TALK ABOUT FULL ON SELF CARE!

I think the reason that I get on here to write is to let go of all the random thoughts in my head. In my writing you can tell that I always just have so much things running through my brain. If I can just write it all down I think that it will organize my life. I am already sitting here like did I get all my thoughts out of my brain already? Are we done today? Lol.

HOPE.

Definitely getting myself into a habit of coming on here and just writing. It's nice to have a space where you can come on and share your posts and nobody needs to know who you are. You can just come on here and be free.

Happy Thursday BTW! It's definitely Friday's Eve and I did not even notice. I am sitting down on here typing and having breakfast. Thankfully I have 20 minutes before I have to clock into work (I WFH so it's such a great work/life balance). So today I had a dentist appointment at 8:30am. Thought I would hate the idea of this but it was nice having the first appointment of the day, starting my day early and getting in and out.

Why am I even writing about my dentist appointment today you may wonder. It is really more about that than just the actual appointment. My dentist appointment was not just my regular 6 month check up, I honestly do not remember the last time I went to the dentist regularly but I definitely know it has not happened in the past 3 years since I have not really taken care of myself since I moved out into my own apartment. Unfortunately, the only reason I made this appointment was because my gums were extremely inflamed that my head hurt so bad and I was uncomfortable for days. I have been trying to understand this week why we do not take care of ourselves unless something serious begins to happen to us. I have found myself too many times taking care of others before I take care of myself. Had I been taking care of myself and going to the dentist every 6 months, I would have never dealt with this.

My health/self care is going to be everything in 2022. It took me a long time to see how important that is but I am glad I saw that today. I knew I had a problem with my gums my whole life and it was something I should have automatically continued to take care of but I didn't. 2022 is going to teach me how to put myself first and I hope it teaches you that as well. If we can make time for other people, we can definitely make time for ourselves.