nothing matters

He’s best friends with the man I was in love with for years, the best friend that broke my heart, the one I couldn’t lose feelings for.

We talk about religion, love, our futures. We debate concepts that inspire deep thoughts. We talk about nothingness. It’s easy to talk to him, I’m not afraid that he might judge me. I’m not worried that he’ll hurt me, or use what I say as arsenal against me.

Yes, he’s extremely attractive. His dark hair curls into perfect ringlets, his eyes are a tropical blue. There’s a slight gap between his front teeth, but his smile lights up his entire face. He’s tall, his arms are defined, the muscles of his bicepts and forearms are easily observed even when he’s not flexing.

Yes, he’s kind. He’d give his life to protect the ones he loves. He’s broken, but the most wholesome person I know. He loves with his entire heart and cares about people more than I thought was possible.

Maybe I fell during one of our many conversations. Maybe I fell because he always holds the door open for me. Maybe I fell because he reminds me of the one I’d been in love with for so long. Maybe I fell because he allows himself to be vulnerable around me. I don’t know how it happened, it just did.

I feel guilty for these feelings. My heart has betrayed me by deciding to flutter for him. I loved his best friend more than anything in the world, and now it chooses to latch onto him. It’s torturous, awful, devious, impossible.

From my life, my future, my feelings.

I keep telling myself I won’t have a chance to achieve happiness if I’m stuck where I am. That I’m doing this for my future.

The truth is, I can’t be here anymore. There’s too much sadness and nothing to fill the empty void in my chest.

I can’t be here anymore. Everything reminds me of him and every other boy that has broken my heart. Everything reminds me of the failed friendships I worked so hard to keep.

Because I think about him all the time. I wonder how he’s doing, I hope for his happiness.

I bet he doesn’t realize how much he meant to me, how often he crosses my mind, how many of my dreams he shows up in.

I’m not the kind of person that gives one or two suggestions when you ask for help with something. I give you about a million different ideas and options of what I think you can and should do.

Want me to contact someone to be in a short film you’re directing? Not only are they contacted, but I’ve found 3 possible people to fill that other role you need, 4 video editing softwares, and venues you can scout other talent.

Friends: *normal conversation*

Me: The Earth is dying and we’ll likely all be dead within the next 10-15 years.

Friends:

Me:

Friends:

Me: