Totally Yours

This post getting a lot of notes is good for my ego but bad for my social life because its actually about me failing to not flirt with someone

actually hate that the bodys response to anything is nausea. ate too much? nauseous. ate too little? nauseous. an imaginary threat got you scared? be nauseous. on your period? you guessed it. sawed into your hand and need to go to the emergency room? perhaps throwing up into your open wound will be of help

was outside earlier and a bird Came Up, squatted down, fluttered it’s wings at me and opened its mouth like a hatchling begging for food (it was a grown female) so I went and checked the seed cube in the feeder and the thing was completely covered in mold. this is one of the weirdest things that’s ever happened to me. how did she know im the one in charge of the birdseed. How Did She Know To Pantomime Hunger At Me. Hello.

noteworthy that they literally had a mask on me hooked up to a tank pumping narcotics into my lungs through all this, and my body temperature was like 34°. I would have been doing well to just have both eyes pointed in the same direction

"This is great. I'm going to get a good grade in post-accident cognition."

"unbecoming" is such a great word. bro that shit was so rude you no longer Are

this too shall pass but the fuck was that for

sticks my finger in the barrel of your gun so it backfires on you looney toons style but the gun moaned and now none of us know what genre we're in.

I know I'm not the first person to observe this, but banishment is a hell of a funny punishment. I now sentence you to fuck off. I don't care where, just get out of my sight. Go on. Git.

a newly discovered species of anglerfish uses its lure to mimic a plea for intercession in order to attract and prey on deep-sea saints

maybe putting some awesome sauce on this nothing burger will do the trick

you ever crave something you can't have? ssssshut up about your ex i mean i want grilled cheese but im scared of the stove

when u look at 2017 and think “oh that’s only like 3 years ago” and it’s actually 12,000 years ago and everything is gone and everyone you know has been reduced to ash and the world is completely different