All Secret Meetings Take Place in the Fancy Room

example 1

human: *gives monster a friendly pat on the back*

monster, who is not used to any positive attention: this is? affection?? courting???

example 2

monster, who was socialized in a pack dynamic or something similar and doesnt think much about casual touch: *full-body cuddles their human*

human: i am touched and confused and absolutely terrified to say anything

example 3

human, trying to confess their feelings: *passionate kiss*

monster: oh cool must be some kind of uhhh human sign of trust

example 4

monster: *performing various complex courtship rituals exclusive to their kind*

Everyone I Love Is Dead

The English Have Stolen All My Sheep

You Want To Be My Boyfriend? First You Must Answer These Riddles Three

The Protestants Have Stolen All My Sheep

I Love You A Lot But You’ve Left Me And It’s Raining [fiddle solo]

The Sea Is Treacherous, Just Like The English

One Time Bonnie Prince Charlie Punched Me In The Face And It Was Awesome

* Everyone I Love Is An Allegorical Representation of Ireland

* The English Stole My Farm And Put Sheep On It

* You Were My Boyfriend But Now You Won’t Even Come To The Window To Look Upon Me And Our Dead Infant Child (In The Rain)

* Whack Fol Too La Roo Umptytiddly Good They’ve Stopped Listening Now Let’s Talk About Revolution

genres include:

I Left Everyone I Love Back Home In The Holler To Be With This Guy Who Doesn’t Wear Shoes Or Have Teeth But He Plays A Mean Jug

The English Told Us Not To Move West Yet, We Ignored Them, My Entire Family Was Killed

You Were My Boyfriend But You Tied A Sack Of Rocks To My Petticoats And Threw Me In The Creek (And My Baby Too)

Mama Loves All 14 Of Us A Lot But She’s Weary Of Our Shit And Now She’s Dyin’ (Gather Round)

The McCleans Stole A Firewood Log From Our Pile So We Won’t Rest Until The Last Of Their Male Kin Is Laid In The Cold Ground

We Knew The River Would Rise But We Still Didn’t Fix The Levee 

The River Rose, The Levee Broke, Everyone Died, It Was Just As We Reckoned (dulcimer twang-a-lang) 

When The Rebels Come A-Marchin’ I’m A Southern Man And I Feed Their Horses My Best, When The Yankees Come A-Marchin’ I’m A Northern Man And I Feed Their Horses What The Rebels Left

I think someone needs to put in a word for the English folk tradition though:

I Met a Girl and We Went Hunting (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl and We Caught Some Birds (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl and We Found Her Lost Pet (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl By Staying At Her Parents’ House and She Made My Bed (It Was an Especially Thinly-Veiled Metaphor for Sex)

I Am a Girl and I Regret Engaging In Metaphors for Sex Because Now I’m Pregnant

I Met a Girl and Bribed Her Into Sex But She Stole My Horse and Ran Away With It

I Met a Girl At an Inn and We Had Non-Metaphorical Sex But She Stole My Stuff The Next Morning and Now I Have Syphilis

Your Fiance Died Either at Trafalgar or Waterloo, Let’s Get Married, I’m Glad You Said No Because I’m Really Him In Disguise

Lord Nelson Sure Was Awesome

The Press-Gang Dragged Off All the Important Men in My Life (And Now They Are Dead)

Farm Laborers Are The Salt of the Earth And Are Never Grindingly Poor

I Went Out Riding and Noticed Mongolia

We Fought a Bunch of Guys (On Horseback)

Witness My Many Ungulates

(While On a Horse) I Met a Hot Girl Who Reminded Me of a Plant

On Three, Say What That Terrain Feature Looks Like to You (One, Two, Three, A Horse)

Witness My Many Ancestors’ Many Ungulates

I Also Enjoy Heavy Metal, Especially If It’s Made of Horseshoes

Oooorrrrweeeeuuurrrreeeeuuuuwwwwwrrrrrrrr (Is Tuvan for “Horse”)

We Must Plant the Crops, Let’s Get Drunk! 

We Must Harvest the Crops, Let’s Get Drunk!

There’s No Crops Right Now, Let’s Get Drunk!

Sex On the Beach Is Awesome, War Is Bad

There Are Ghosts in the Trees

The Japanese Exploit Us (And the Americans Do Too)

I Love the Sea, This Island Is Beautiful, War Is Still Bad

Hey, There’s an Old Man, Let’s Get Drunk!

I Am A Brawny-Armed Lumberjack Who Loves a Town Girl, Oh No!

Oh Fuck, I Slept With a Fur Trapper, What Shall I Tell Maman?

Hauling Logs, Rolling Logs, Driving Logs, All Day, What Ho!

Like Hell You’re Marrying That Good for Nothing Bambocheur!

Fetch My Gold Ring That Fell Into the Sea!  Now!

I Met A Sailor While A-Strolling, And Now We Are In Love!

I Want to Kiss the Sailor I Met A-Strolling, But I’m Afraid My Father Will Find Out!

A Spider Has Bitten Me And If I Do Not Dance I Will Die, Alas

I Am A Very Fancy Man With A Very Fancy Hat

The Cable Car Is A Thinly-Veiled Metaphor For Your Feminine Torture, O Woman

Rome Is The Very Best Place And Every Other Place Is Just Awful

I Love You, But You Are Married

I Love You, But You Are Fickle (Why Did You Dance With The Baker’s Son, Thou Vixen?)

I Love You, But You Left Me All Alone On This Romantic Wind-Swept Hillside, Which Is Actually Very Pretty, But Not As Pretty As You, Foul Temptress

Rome Is Still The Best Place And Every Other Place Can Go Right To Hell

Seriously Once You Have Been To Rome You Will Just Be Sick At The Thought Of Being Anywhere Else, You Will Pine Away And Die

I Love You, But You Are Dead (Or Maybe You Just Went To Live In A Slightly Prettier Place)

Rome, Rome, O Rome, Ah Rome, Rome Rome Rome, Have I Mentioned That I Love Rome?

Venetian Special Genres:

Women Are Like The Ocean: Salty And Full Of Drowned Sailors

Women Are Like The Ocean: I Cannot Figure Them Out At All

I Saw You One Time At A Party And I Have Designs Upon Your Feminine Virtue

- That Incompetent Sailor Is Actually A Girl, But She Will Have Sex With You If You Don’t Kick Her Off The Boat

- Someone Of Any Occupation Is Doing Something, But Unfortunately They Are Now Dead

- Fuck You Spain (Haha, We Sunk Your Boat And Stole Your Silver)

- Fuck You England

- We Might Be Small, But We Will Fight You

- Life Isn’t So Bad, If You Just Go Outside

- Fuck You Winter

- Look At That Guy (Wild Racism)

- We Like Going To Other Countries (More Wild Racism)

- Drinking Is Fun

- Drinking Makes Me Long For Sea

- God Is My Dad

There Was A War And Everyone is Dead, There’s Also a Symbolic Bird

There is Going to Be a War And Everyone Will Die, There’s Also a Sybmolic Bird

The Dyeing Is Happening Right Now, There’s Also a Symbolic Bird

I Had a Dream About Us Dying (No Birds Involved)

Alas You Are Dead 

I’m a Bird, I Drink Vodka

Fuck It’s Cold

Frost Do Not Freeze Me Do Not Freeze My Horse Do Not Freeze My Wife Please I Have Children

And my personal favourite:

~ I Married To A Man And Moved Far From My Home But I Want Fucking Back On My Fucking Land To My Parents And A Guy Whom I Actually Planned To Marry Before My Society’s Patriarchal Structure Destroyed My Life

~ A Guy Whom I Loved Loved Me And Also A Some Other Bitch So I Poisoned Him So That Nobody Gets Him

~ This Is My Land And I Love It Very Much, Period

~ I Made A Traditional Kupala Wreath And Released It On Water To Find My Love, No Sexual Hits Involved

~ I Have A Veeery Deeeeep Well In My Garden, And Also A Veeery Curly-Wurly Cabbage, And Also A Veeery Sweeeet Carrot Growing There, Come On Guys Check It Out, Oh, And There Are Totally No Sexual Hints

~ Graphic Descriptions Of Lesbian Sex

~ Everybody Is Dead After A Battle But There Is One Particular Cossack Whom I Am Especially Obligated To Mourn About Because He Is A Representative Of Our Entire Nation’s Young People

~ The Couple Cannot Be Together Because Of Various Reasons And Everybody Cries

~  The Couple Cannot Be Together Because Of Various Reasons And Everybody Cries And It’s Compared To Some Sad Shit Happening In Nature

~ Let’s Kill All People Who Threaten Ukraine Hahaha Yay!

~ I have a boat and have procured many crawfish do you love me?

~ I sure do love crawfish, boats, the bayou, and also dancing

~ My girlfriend can cook, and is therefore superior your girlfriend, who cannot

~ my girlfriend cannot cook and is therefore inferior to all other girlfriends

~ I saw you over a pile of crawfish and knew I was in love (on the bayou)

- Where the hell is your goat, sir? x8 and my love looks like a peeled egg

- There’s an old parrot on the windowsill x4 and my grandma only has 2 teeth left

- Check out that hot girl over yonder, now pick the fruit (it’s really a poem about manners), check out this hot girl, now let’s ripen a different fruit while sailing (it’s about gratitude)

- We’re now singing about water spinach by the marsh and more foodstuff to be eaten

- LET’S GO HOME x9

- We’re singing about a river now and boy it can beat out the seasons

- This is our mountain and it’s super tall and blue! ❤ ❤ ❤ 

- The frog is sitting by the well, croak croak, and now he fell in and DIED, croaked croaked

- I’m On A Convict Ship (And I Want To Go Home)

- I Stole A Sheep And Will Literally Commit Suicide Rather Than Go To Jail

- Small-Town Boy Makes Good As A Bushranger, Dies Heroically

- Let’s Have A Sheep-Shearing Race

- The Bush Is Confusing And Beautiful And Now We’re Dead

- Why Is The Rum Gone?

- Seriously, Why Is The Fucking Rum Gone, There Is Literally Nothing Else To Do In This Godforsaken Wasteland

- Birds Are Pretty Cool, I Guess

- No Horse Is As Good Or As Fast As That One Horse Was That Time 

- Fuck The Authorities, Let’s Have A Drink

- Hello Adonai, Master of the Universe, I’m Here to Sue You On Behalf of the Jewish People

- We Kidnapped Our Family’s Goat Because It Was Sad and We Wanted It To Be Free (There Shouldn’t Be Suffering)

- Food Is Literally So Important

- I’m Meditating Under A Bunch of Trees (It’s Really Hard Not to Cry)

- Shabbat Is Fucking Great

- We’re Not Dead Yet

- Hey Kids, You’re Gonna Endure Suffering But At Least You Can Be Inspired By the Torah

- Detailed Description of What We’re Gonna Have For Dinner Tomorrow (I’m Excited)

- One Day Things Are Gonna Be Better, Even Though It Really Sucks Right Now

- Oh To Be a Cat Sleeping On the Roof

- This Candle Has The Souls of My Ancestors In It (Let’s Get Drunk)

- This Is Just An Irish Folk Song But With The Place Names Changed

- My Dad Made Home Brew Beer And Shenanigans Ensued

- There’s A Really Cool Party Going On And A Bunch Of Drunk Wrestlers Beat Up The Pastor

- Seven Old Ladies Got Stuck In The Bathroom

- I Made A Boat And Caught Some Fish

- A Whaler Got Swallowed By A Whale And Cut Himself Out From Inside

- We Stole A Sheep And Tricked A Police Officer Into Thinking It Was Moose

- This Man Has A Boat And He Loves His Boat

- A Song That Might Be About A Boat But Also Might Be About Sex

-Gosh The Leaves Sure Are Pretty In The Fall

-This Is A Hymn But We Pretend It’s A Folk Song Cause It Fits Well In A Dancing Meter

-This Is A Hymn But We Pretend It’s A Drinking Song

-This Is A Drinking Song But We Pretend It’s A Hymn

-Who Wants To Hear A Ghost Story?

-Twelve Verses About Produce, Livestock, And Chores

-Six Verses About Produce, Livestock, And Chores (Dance Remix)

-Here We Go Doing A Thing

-Did You Ever See This Common Sight?

-A Fox Went Out And Mayhem Ensued

-I Knew A Fair Bonny Lass And She Was Bonny And Fair (And Also We May Have Had Sex In The Hayloft)

-Port Town Girls Are Easy

-Sailors Are Rude Randy Bastards (A Rebuttal)

-I’m Cheating On My Wife With An Island Girl (Who Has No Idea I’m Married And May Or Be Not Enslaved)

-There’s Three Things To Do Here That All Begin With “F” And I Don’t Want to Farm Or Fish

-There Sure Are A Lot Of Fish In The Sea And Every Single One Of Them Reminds Me Of A Particular Girl Back Home

-Will You Marry Me, Sweet Lassie Whose Father Hates Me

-I Married A Sweet Lassie And Now I Hate Her

-Old People Are Quaint And Hilarious

-Fuck You England (traditional)

-George Washington Slept Here

-We’re Quite Well Off But We Like To Sing About Being Poor Because Country Life Sounds Fun And Romantic In The Abstract

turning into a swarm of rats mid sentence while talking to someone

debating with your friends what bloodtype a human is based on arbitrary things (ie: “see, he just picked his nose when he thought no one was looking DEFINTELY a type-O” “oh fuck off we both know thats an AB move”)

citing “conservation of mass” as the reason you can turn into one (1) wolf but several rats or bats

Counting The Ceiling Tiles Game, Extreme Version (or, for that matter, ANY counting game, Extreme Version)

holding entire conversations with someone while standing on the ceiling and vehemently avoiding acknowledging or explaining why you are on the ceiling

almost getting yourself killed because you just couldnt stand not knowing what garlic bread tasted like even a second longer

“i need an entire extra closet, just for my eccentric cloaks” “what about your eccentric coats?” “two extra closets-” “what about your eccentric shawls?” “three extra closets-” “what about-” (repeat for as long as your friend can keep coming up with swishy articles of clothing)

1. Really you only have mild lycanthropy and it’s largely under control with medication, plus the light pollution in your area is so bad you can hardly see the moon anyway. So you’ve changed maybe twice since diagnosis. No big deal. You have an emergency kennel. Lacking the usual outlet, your lycanthropy mainly manifests as an intense emotional reaction to dogs being told that they are good dogs, which never fails to make you sob.

2. You know, you should really have thought it through beforehand. It was careless. But there was a part of you that longed to be the first werewolf on the moon. And it was such an honour to be accepted into the space program! You never actually meant to get into the rocket, in the end. It just sort of happened. Now you’re half-way there and pretty sure there’s going to be a problem. Oops.

3. So your wolf form is fairly petite and scrubs up well and long story short with a prosthetic or two you’re now in the final of the dog agility contest and you might be able to win half of a rather fetching sofa. It’d be better if it were on a full moon, but you’ve got a bunch of moon videos to watch and you’re pretty hopeful that might work.

4. You spend each full moon locked away in a comfortable basement. You’re not sure if you’ve ever turned into a wolf but you do like rare steak so best to be on the safe side. You have a lot of books. You’re kind of looking forward to it.

5. You grew up with dogs. It’s not your fault. I mean, that’s kind of how you got bitten in the first place. Anyway, the rampage was going so well until someone threw a stick. Now you think the villagers might be mocking you, but also you just need to catch this one, you can totally do it, oh yes! Who’s a good girl?

Sources: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

turning into a swarm of rats mid sentence while talking to someone

debating with your friends what bloodtype a human is based on arbitrary things (ie: “see, he just picked his nose when he thought no one was looking DEFINTELY a type-O” “oh fuck off we both know thats an AB move”)

citing “conservation of mass” as the reason you can turn into one (1) wolf but several rats or bats

Counting The Ceiling Tiles Game, Extreme Version (or, for that matter, ANY counting game, Extreme Version)

holding entire conversations with someone while standing on the ceiling and vehemently avoiding acknowledging or explaining why you are on the ceiling

almost getting yourself killed because you just couldnt stand not knowing what garlic bread tasted like even a second longer

“i need an entire extra closet, just for my eccentric cloaks” “what about your eccentric coats?” “two extra closets-” “what about your eccentric shawls?” “three extra closets-” “what about-” (repeat for as long as your friend can keep coming up with swishy articles of clothing)

snakes are not evil killers out for blood, and length doesn’t mean lethality! my biggest guy is 11 ft– if i have him around my neck, both his face and his tail touch the floor– and even his species struggles to take down anything bigger than a small-to-medium dog

the worst damage that my 8fter is capable of is when she decides to do an impression of a blood-pressure cuff and makes my arm go a bit purple, and even that’s just when i humour her dreams of being big and scary and let her squeeze her hardest before i unwind her like a bratty garden hose

1. Why was she angry?

2. Where were you taking her on the bus? Is there a leash-free snake park where you live?

*aiming hunting implements at anything that isn’t a bird* this bird is gonna be delicious

personifying rocks, constnatly,

“my digging skills are delightful, which you would know, if you ever bothered to know me the way you know your beetles”

throw the stone, Maurice.

one of our cave neighbors is a geologist. they know the names of all the kinds of rocks. the rest of us mispronounce them constantly on purpose and correct each other’s pronunciation with even more wrong ones.

making up elaborate insults towards bugs, and saying them, to the bugs

the implications of Ji-won’s moss beds (the joke is nobody can ever agree on the implications)

mushrooms in places they dont belong

yelling “hhchruckkkk!” in a high-pitched voice, several times in a row, whenever

“the best tasting dirt comes from Jamal’s cave”

worm disco

French Person: Non c’est une fucking pomme