oh no she betta don’t

It’s called I am the con artist. It goes like this.  

You are the protagonist of a camp high-flying fantasy/spy/steampunk/cyberpunk/swashbuckling novel, and you’re about to pull off your biggest heist yet. Everything before this was leading up to this one. Your people are in place, waiting for your signal - your fingers brush against the hilt of your sword - a smile, disconcerting, plays at the edge of your lips. Everything is ready. If you can just get through the next ten minutes, the next hour - it will all be worth it. The stakes have never been higher. Until then, you just have to blend in.

And you look around, and think: how can I pull this off?

It works a treat. Yes, you’re still disillusioned writing your essay - but you are a disillusioned scholar, pen weary in hand by the light of candlelight, hearing the rain battering against the panes of glass. Underneath the library are vaults full of riches you can only dream of. You just need to wait, quill scratching, until the stroke of midnight. 

Bored of learning vocabulary? That’s not a luxury you have. The king’s eldest heir you will kidnap speaks fluent French; and if you will pull off the pretence for even ten minutes at the masquerade later tonight, you need to convince. 

Feeling overwhelmed, an imposter, like you don’t belong? Well, as a member of the underground syndicate masquerading as a noble, you are. You have flattered and talked your way into the highest circles of society, and the decadence of the ball-rooms and the ever-flowing wine makes you sick. They will rue the day they ever crossed you. 

Hate making small-talk and dressing up? Of course you do. You’re the city’s best squid tamer, and you know poisons like no-one else. And under your dress are poison daggers strapped to your thigh, dipped in the venom of the squid. All you have to do is wait for the signal: the code-word from the man to your left, and the mark’s life will be cut short. 

Can’t be arsed to work out? There is no other option if your plan to infiltrate the ambassador’s elite bodyguards is to succeed. You can scale buildings, sure - but if you are pretending to be a graduate of the kingdom’s best school for martial artists, you need to be more than that. 

Why not use your imagination for protection and fun? If your workout is running up stairs and you pretend you’re chasing a dragon, why shouldn’t you use the same logic for studying or social situations? 

Paleontologists completed a life-sized replica of Sue, the most complete T. Rex ever found.

And she is freaking GORGEOUS!

As I read more about this beauty, I found out some new details regarding things I thought I previously knew about the beast that was Tyrannosaurus Rex, and I’m going to share them with you.

First, and most obvious, her size:

This is nothing new, we all figured T. Rex was big, but I for one never stopped to consider exactly how big it was. Nobody ever really knows what to imagine when they read about something the size of a whale that walked around and ate everything it could kill. 

Speaking of eating things, I just want to remind you all that T. Rex had–by miles–the strongest bite of any terrestrial animal living or dead, somewhere around six and a half tons of force. That’s over six times greater than the current estimate of what Allosaurus was capable of, and three times what was delivered by the highest measured reading of the living title holder–the estuarine crocodile. It didn’t have to waste time swinging its head open-mouthed like Saurophaganax for a little extra oomph, or grow fancy serrated teeth like Carcharodontosaurus to cut pieces out of its prey. It opted for the simplest approach: get its mouth around something and crush it to death; imagine the full weight of an elephant on whatever was between this thing’s jaws.

“How did it find something to eat?” I hear you asking. “It can’t see something if it doesn’t move, right?”

Listen, I love Jurassic Park too, but that’s a big crock of shit.

Notice how both her eyes face forward. That gives her binocular vision (the ability to focus both eyes on one target, like you and I). More importantly it means she has impeccable depth perception due to overlapping fields of vision from each, large, eyeball. Researchers agree that T. Rex not only had incredible vision, but that it was probably better than most modern animals–including eagles, hawks, and owls–and that she could likely spot something three and a half miles away. If something that big can see that well, it doesn’t matter if you move or not, she’d be able to tell if it was an animal trying to hide or a piece of vegetation. So pray she isn’t hungry if she lays eyes on you. And even if by some miracle she didn’t see you, she’d still smell you. 

If she decided you looked tasty, you probably wouldn’t hear her coming as much as you’d feel her. Modern science indicates that T. Rex didn’t roar like in Jurassic Park, but rather bellowed or maybe even hissed like crocodilians. If she were on to you, you’d most likely feel this sense of unease creep up your spine as a low-pitched rumble in the air permeated through you. You wouldn’t know what it was or where it was coming from until you hear her footfalls. By then it’s too late–you could try to run but she’d probably catch you. There’s plenty on YouTube that reconstructs what T. Rex may have sounded like, and it’s legitimately haunting.  

To wrap all of this up, the one bit of good that came out of the cursed year that is 2020 is that this wonderful child of science and art came into the world, and reaffirmed my respect and admiration for the eight ton slab of muscle and teeth that is this magnificent creature.

how wonderful. i will love in a new way each time, then, for new reasons. i will find out that my heart never had a limit on joy. i will know new things.

he says - we can never find our way back to loving the same way twice.

i am not the same person from before, though, am i? why would i want to take a tour of my life through the same eyes? why would i want to hold the same figure-eight? why would i come back to what has already been shoved through my throat? why wouldn't i want to walk in a new garden, with new stones?

it is also never the same sunset twice. the same thunderstorm. the same birdsong. life, in little chaos, holds no ghosts. i will love again, and thank god, it will be different. i move on, and the world says - you will meet someone else, who knows a different way to listen. and when i put my ears against the music again, it will feel like i am understanding a new set of secrets.

You can never step in the same river twice.

[He scoops up the fish, it spits water and he turns it toward the camera]

This one is stumpy and green. Very beautiful, very powerful.

[He picks up another fish and turns it toward the camera]

This is what a normal lumpfish looks like. It is more elongated, but still a vibrant blue color. Very beautiful, very powerful.

[He picks up another fish and turns it toward the camera]

This is one of the stumpiest ones we have. Its hump is very high. It is very stumpy, but yet very beautiful, and very powerful.

[He pans over a lot of fish, all looking up at the camera]

Link is here since MIC.COM cares more about traffic to their website rather than actually linking to the cause. 

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Jessie: It’s a fence, genius.

Meowth: I mean what’s it doin’ here?

Jessie: What do you think its doing here?! [quietly turns to James] What’s it doing here?

James: I’d say someone doesn’t want us on their property!

Jessie: [turns back to Meowth] Obviously someone doesn’t want us on their property!

Meowth: But how come?