The Evil Wizard

it’s pride month, minions. you know what that means

do you want us to, like, cast gay spells my leige?

<|:^)

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

at some point in your life you will be adding a small pasta to a soup and you will think "that is not enough small pasta." this is the devil talking. the pasta will absorb the stock and expand. this is how you end up with a soup that is a solid mass of soggy ditalini.

At some point in your life you will be adding garlic to a dish and you will think "that is not enough garlic." These are angels speaking. They are correct. Add more garlic.

At some point in your life you will be in my cauldron of boiling milk!

I am so sick and tired of having to charge stuff every day of my miserable life!! My phone, my watch, my headphones, my vibrator, my backup vibrator, my emergency vibrator, the ancient cursed amulet of darkness that whispers to me....it's too much!!!

You will never have to charge a cauldron of boiling milk!

Sorry tumblr algo, I've grown up and my taste in men has gotten more and more evil as time goes on

So this means nothing in the end.

I would think a lover of evil men would get in my cauldron of boiling milk is all...

How Delightful!

a heatwave is a type of ancient curse

This is what I cast on my cauldron to boil the milk!

You are looking amazing! Love the creativity and style!

Exactly Right!

Happy Pride Month!

Being a wizard is a form of dedication to oneself

What a fantastic way to put it Mr. Fuckablewizard! I am dedicated to myself and my boiling milk!

Sorry tumblr algo, I've grown up and my taste in men has gotten more and more evil as time goes on

So this means nothing in the end.

MR EVIL WIZARD IM SORRY the answer is no thanks

The stripped pale oak wood ressembles the milk in my cauldron. I think we should mix them together rather than pit them against each other.