The Esoteric Encyclopedia of Nothing

Let’s talk about coffins -

The coffin is hexagonal in shape and mirrors the shape of a human body. A casket is rectangular, and usually has an elaborate fabric lining. The casket gained popularity because it allowed mourners to view the body (thanks to the up and coming trend of embalming) in what seemed like a peaceful sleep. Coffins, and their human-esque shapes were just too unsettling for the modern mourner, and thus feel out of fashion.

I, for one, mean to start a social movement to bring back coffins. 

Is vampirism a virus?  Let us, for this section, imagine that it is. 

And go -

It could be argued, that if the vampirism was a virus, then it would only make sense if a living person was subjected to this virus, our immune system would amp up in an attempt to destroy the invaders. Our bodies would not accept this intruder with open arms. But, if this virus was the direct cause of our death, then that would mean it overpowered our immune system - such as any deadly disease would. If that were the case, and the vampiric virus itself brought about true death, then there would need to also be some sort of reanimating force also contained within this strain. In essence, it would be a disease that killed it’s host in stage one, and then replaced that which it killed with itself. 

But that would also bring about the argument that vampirism would be almost...unstoppable. The elegant and sometimes morally distraught vampires of many modern vampire stories would not really exist in this scenario, seeing as the now shell hosting the vampiric virus would be run exclusively by the virus. 

So, if we have a being still in control of, or at least aware of, their own emotional and mental state, that would lead one to believe vampirism is not the cause of death.  There are stories of vampiric creatures that are mindless killing machines (a lot of old folklore treats most vampiric creatures as such), but for most of us in the modern era, when we think of vampires, we do not think of what is ultimately a zombie. We think of Lestat, Angel, or Bill Compton. These vampires are clearly under their own control, for the most part. Sure, their hunger can sometimes overpower their desires, but any animals can be moved to extreme actions by hunger. These vampires ultimately have sway over their desires.

So no, I do not think the vampiric virus would ultimately kill someone, entirely. Because that would require true death, the brain of the human ceasing. And that would NOT allow for a conscious vampire. 

If vampirism is not fully lethal, then what is it?

Perhaps, we must look even deeper into our biology. What if the vampiric virus does not bring death, but genetic deformity? If a vampire releases this DNA morphing virus into the bloodstream of their victim, perhaps the transformation is the rewriting of our DNA at its core. Many anomalies within human DNA can be caused by one simple shift somewhere within that double helix of majesty. Say vampirism inserts a single altered base pair, a T or a C or what have you, and then poof! You now require human blood to survive. 

This is all a rather understandable way for a virus to behave. Viruses exist to reproduce themselves, and a person changed by the vampiric virus (whether a mindless shell OR an intact sentient being) would then act as a means of further transmitting the disease. Vampires turning others is the virus doing what it was meant to do.

So does this mean that vampires, in their essence, are simply viruses?

Let us continue.

The question of what a vampire truly is is a lengthy and confusing question. But in this essay, we can easily answer THIS question: WHAT IS A VIRUS?

A virus is a microorganism that cannot grow or reproduce itself without the aid of an already existing living cell. The virus invades the cell and uses it to keep itself alive, and to reproduce. It can reproduce itself perfectly, or it can create mutations of itself along the way. A virus may contain DNA or RNA, but is normally capable of creating new DNA when it reproduces.

So, it’s an organism that uses another organism to reproduce. It can mutate itself, and the existing organism it is inhabiting. It does not produce waste, does not grow on its own, does not independently produce energy, and can’t keep itself in a state of homeostasis independently. Most doctors and scientists will say that viruses are NOT alive. 

Some of that sounds mighty familiar, I dare say. 

What am I getting at here? What if a vampire, as a whole, is a virus. They require the intake of human genetic material to exist. The blood they drink helps them reach homeostasis (regulation inside the body), helps the virus to continue to reproduce and thus keep the vampiric host alive, and gives them the energy required to stay “alive”. 

And when they bite, they create a brand new host to be a new ecosystem for a virus extravaganza! 

The virus does not truly kill the human it’s infecting, it simply mutates that body into a petri dish. The human brain still controls it, but the genetic make-up and requirements have entirely changed. 

Clearly, I have much more research to do regarding viruses, DNA, and perhaps...prions?! 

But, in a very brief of weighted ending to this section I would like to say that if the vampire was in fact a walking virus, it would probably not produce waste, right? Because the virus is jumping into all those blood brought cells and just reproducing itself! And, as I said before, viruses do NOT produce waste.

No poop?

Perhaps. We must, as always, keep going deeper. 

Cheers!

In 1790, one Rachel Harris died of tuberculosis, known at the time as consumption. Without the knowledge of modern medicine, many superstitious New Englanders believed vampires were to blame (thanks to the bloody coughs victims of the disease endured). When another woman, Rachel's surviving husbands new wife Hulda, started to show the symptoms of TB, the community gathered together to exume Rachel's corpse and burn her liver, heart, and lungs. But not before retaining a few pieces of the organs to mix into a concoction meant to cure Hulda of the vampire curse.

Spoilers: Hulda died.

The stake to the heart trope of vampire lore has its origins in the real world. It was a reasonably common solution in the days of yore to cure a possible vampiric problem by doing the following:

Dig up the corpse of the accused...dead person and give them the 'ol stake double tap. Perhaps sprinkle water around the grave, or handfuls of salt. Nail the coffin closed and poof! Vampire-begone.

Nosferatu, released in 1922 - was a rather unabashed and unlicensed retelling of Bram Stoker’s Dracula - thus the serious similarities mixed with the forceful differences.

One of these differences was the concept that vampires are killed by sunlight. In previous vampire stories, Dracula included, vampires are either unaffected or simply made weaker by sunlight. This common trope of the vampire has it’s roots in skirting copyright infringement. 

William-Adolphe Bouguereau - Dante and Virgil