It's been almost unbearably hot the past few weeks, living on the third floor and being in the highest apartment in my building certainly doesn't make life in summer any easier. Yet the heat is (funnily enough) the least of my 'issues'.
Life has been busy lately. Between family issues, class and taking small trips one could almost believe I am living a normal life. Hilarious.
I went to a medieval fair a few weeks ago and then again last week, it was a lot of fun. It was my first time going to anything like that and I even got a whole medieval outfit there. It is for sure one of the things I want to do again, and one of the things I got on my bucket list for this summer.
What else happened...Oh! Yes. I fell in love, went to a party, had my first kiss. (in that order). I don't really have anyone else to tell it to so I guess this is my best way to get it off my chest, a blog that nobody reads but I know I will feel better after (pathetic, I know but let's pretend it's 2012 for a while).
I don't even know how to start. Or rather, how it started. I guess it started last September if I think about it. I signed up for an online acting class (auditioned, got accepted, you know the drill). And so far it's been fun. Challenging for someone as introverted as me but I enjoyed it. I got sorted into a new class a few months ago and that was pretty much the start of this whole disaster of my emotions.
I thought he was handsome from the beginning when I first saw him in class, really. He looked a bit serious but he was all tanned skin, black hair and dark eyes (he's hispanic). nice face and gorgeous deep voice too.
Then we got paired up for our showcase that is happening this month. So naturally we spent a lot of time talking. We immediatly had chemistry, he was super charming and, for whatever reason, we often ended up talking about the most random (and deep stuff) instead of just working on our scene. I thought I had a small crush on him (this feels so funny now) until I finally realised a few weeks ago that no, that's love. I am in love with that guy. Then I cried for a while, cursed the whole damn world and tried to come to terms with it. Which is rather difficult to be honest.
I've never really been in love before. Crushes, sure, but this? This feels real, it hurts and I feel like I am unable to concentrate on anything. And the worst? He's younger than me by quite a bit (Of course he's legal duh! I just didn't know he was younger than me since we look the same age) and he lives in another country. I know it is absolutely stupid to feel like that, seriously. But what can I do? I feel like we have connected on a real deep level and I have no idea how to handle it. I can't just say "Working with you is so much fun! Oh and by the way I am in love with you please don't be weirded out!"
Doesn't help either that we're playing people that used to be lovers and that we constantly get the feedback that we play such great couple and that we have insane chemistry. Gosh I am ranting. It's almost 3 am now and I am sitting here with my little fan to fight off the heat while writing the pain off my chest instead of trying to get some sleep. I have so many problems, yet right now all I can think about is him.
I don't even know why I am writing all this here. Nobody reads it and I might as well write it into my diary. But I guess despite everything posting it here makes me feel like I am not so alone. Because I can't deny that I do feel lonely. Often.
Maybe that was the reason I went to a party last Saturday. That and to somehow get my mind off of my scene partner. I dressed up, put on some makeup and went to the local yearly town festival. There were stalls with food, drinks, many stages with music acts. I drank some, danced, had fun (all very unusal for me. I never go to parties but I guess I need to get some new experiences anyways). I arrived at about 7 pm, got hit on twice (though one time I am not sure he tried to hit on me or just wanted to know if I am okay lol)
The music stopped at 1 am and that's where I met a guy, he was sitting next to me. He was nice, a few years older than me and visiting a friend in the city. He wasn't from here so we spoke english. I ended up showing him around town, we had a drink together, walked some more and later before I went home he asked if he could kiss me and I said yes. I still don't know why. So we kissed. And I felt nothing. not excitement, no attraction, no stirring.
It wasn't bad, it was just...okay I guess. I was giddy from the lack of sleep, the alcohol in my blood but the kiss itself didn't make me feel anything. He gave me his number too, I still haven't called or texted and I don't think I ever will.
Do I regret the kiss? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. It just felt so insignificant. Maybe it was just me trying to convince myself that this was real life, that I wasn't really in love with my scene partner, that I just needed real experience to see that it was just some passing fancy.
But all I could and can think about is him. Just looking at him makes me feel more than that kiss ever could've. And now I might feel even more miserable than I did before. I saw him again yesterday when we worked on our scene and as always we ended up talking about other stuff.
I thought I knew all about pain but honestly? the pain of love is a different kind of pain altogether. He brings out so many emotions in me, some of which I thought were long gone after all I went through. And by god, I feel like a part of me, or maybe even me entirely, died back then because sometimes I don't even recognise myself anymore. I survived, sure. Thanks I guess.
I feel so ridiculous. In love with my scene partner who I see three times a week, online. And who I had more profound and thought provoking conversations with than I ever had with anyone else. Am I a fool for being in love with him? Delusional? Even more delusional to think that there could possibly reciprocation from his side with the way we talk to each other? Especially since he's so bad at replying to text and never reads it. I feel so torn, confused, I am longing for something I never longed for before. For someone. I feel like I am experiencing the teenage love I never had now at 27. Maybe he is my soulmate, who knows. But the thought of not seeing him again? It hurts in ways I can't explain. I always thought that maybe never having been in love also had it's upside, no heartache, no heartbreak. Now I am starting to think I might've been right.
Plus I feel like a horrible actress because currently I am almost unable to seperate myself from the scene and just be my character. Love truly ruins me. Part of me doesn't currently care about acting. I am still doing everything to achieve my dream but honestly, if he asked me to just drop everything and live with him somewhere away from all that stuff I think I wouldn't hesitate. It is also surprisingly hard to not blurt out "I am in love with you!" while we're practicing. Who would've thought. He also makes me want to be a better person, to do better for myself, he's a very motivating kind of guy. And I am trying. I really am. Working out, meditating, eating healthily. But it's hard especially on days when it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and your bed feels like the only safe place in the entire universe. but I am on it. I've already lost some weight, I am trying to keep my apartment clean, to study more, to go on (almost) daily mental health walks that last an hour. To be less on my phone. And I've realised that life without coping mechanisms kind of sucks because you can't run from your feelings anymore, you have to face them. And that can be downright frightening. I want to be the best version of myself, for nobodys sake but my own. I deserve better, I can have better. I can have whatever I want. I am not giving up, I am giving this year a chance to turn my life around for the better. And maye, maybe this isn't such a bad start. Maybe falling in love happened for a reason.
romaincrisis
turnnoffyourmind
snowghoul
jacobvanloon
