(☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

Breakup sex with my vampire girlfriend call that the last nail in the coffin

i don’t understand, are they supposed to get nicer or just less bruised up?

<- cocaine / alcohol->

boobs is better than titties as a word because boobs is bouba while titties is kiki

nastiest trick in the book is getting you genuinely deeply attached to a character whose name sounds fucking stupid in any other context. this WILL happen to you at some point in your life.

dude turn on music. any album

yall gotta learn the difference between "this character is an asshole" and "this character was supposed to be super cool but the author is an asshole" and "this character is a teenage girl who was mean once"

(attempting to impress a girl at a party) i was in a saw trap. (remembers that girls like strength) and i wasn’t hurt at all. (remembers that girls like sensitivity.) but i was emotionally scarred. (remembers that details are important to a story) because i pushed a guy into a wood chipper.

(Giving you feedback over an earpiece) now tell her about the other guy

you know how everyone treats women like we’re ancient after 30 i think we should lean into that. i want retirement. i want senior discounts