Shepard: Oh, I’m engaged to Garrus.

Anderson: I thought you were gay.

Shepard: Then why would you want to set me up with your son?

i mean we know how, bioware wanted to have a race of space babes with mind sex gimmick, but they are cowards and thought that if said babes don’t look as boringly human as possible, the players wouldn’t want to fuck them. but in-universe, how is that relationships with asari are completely normal for all other species, but Garrus had to watch an educational porno to figure out what to do with Shepard. counting how many turians are in the clubs staring at asari asses for hours on end, he should know what to do with an ass and a boob.

the only explanation is that asari use their mind magic shit to brainwash every other races into thinking they look like them. and not just like them, but as hot babes them, while in actuality they look completely different. asari anatomy doesn’t really matter for sex, because sex with asari is just them matrix-projecting hot vids directly into their partner’s brain while physically all that happens is they probe you with tentacles for DNA material

but Ravel, some of you might ask, what about times when you look at the pictures of asari and there’s no asari in the room to brainwash you? smart question, to answer this we need to remember H.P. Lovecraft. You know how in “Shadow over Innsmouth” he had like a society of fish people who worshipped sea god and would brainwash humans into sleeping with them and as a result another fish person is born? That’s asari, babes. Lovecraft caught the wavelengths, but bc he was a fucked up dude, he freaked out. 

You know what mega powerful deity that sleeps in the ocean but manages to fuck up ppl’s minds Lovecraft wrote about? Cthulhu. My thesis is that asari’s Goddess is real and it’s Cthulhu, and she lives in the ocean on their home planet passively rewriting every other races’ perceptions on the background to keep up their facade. 

also, bioware, hire me to spice up ur stale ass remake, asari planet was boring in me3, I don’t even remember what happened here, but I DO remember what happened on Tuchanka. So we will have a mission where Cthulhu raises up from the ocean to fistfight the Reaper, rough concept art presented below. 

cullen in dalish armor? heck yeah!

Garrus: 

haha, it’s been awhile since I’ve been into Mass Effect, but I’m glad you like! <3

I should have listened to Garrus 

Shepard: