The Bean Blog

Please buy my art part 3 still trying to pay rent I have no current income and am really scared of what is going to come, if you don’t like my art you can also just donate money as well and I will be very grateful! Thank you for the support guys!!! This is 50$ 

Here is all of my accounts if you are able to donate!! Thank you so much 

Cashapp: emmabeangoodman

Paypal: goodmanemmabug

Venmo: Emma-goodman-21

Anywho... I was doing okay and now I’m all confused again. 

I have never been through anything traumatic. My family is well-off, I have never lost a family member or a friend. I never have been through anything bad. 

I haven’t had a friend longer than 2 years tops and I currently haven’t had a friend in over 2 years besides my boyfriend. My last relationship I was in I was cheated on and my current relationship my boyfriend cheated on me like I said previously. I’m sorry for just listing off random things I am just trying to make sense of anything... my brain is so tired of keeping all of this shit boiled in. Okay, when I was 12 I developed an eating disorder and still haven’t kicked it. I have never been to therapy. 

I have noticed that within the past 10 years of my life each relationship I have had I always isolate myself to the most extreme degree until they just leave me alone and we aren’t friends anymore. I don’t remember the last time I faced a problem. I always run away from them. And then I get mad at the people left around me because they never give me the same amount of energy I give them. 

Do you ever have the feeling like you are getting a lot better mentally and have such high hopes for yourself and you feel like you can be whatever you want to be and you are so beautiful? 

Why is it that ever single post I make I just ask questions?

After writing that, I realized that obviously people struggle with this. I just don’t understand why I feel so alone with my confusion. I am 20 years old and when I look around I see people who know what they are doing and how it is getting them towards their dream. Then I am right next to them wondering why the dreams I had when I was in elementary and middle school aren’t working for me anymore. I feel lost. I don’t feel like I am myself anymore. I used to be so creative and just paint whatever I wanted and didn’t care if it wasn’t pretty and now I am so anxious about money and trying not to spend it on things I don’t need like nice clothes or art supplies or books or journals. I am the shell of the person I wanted to be. It feels like I have been asleep for the last five years and now I don’t know who I am. 

I’ve never been to therapy or seen anyone about my feelings or how to control or even manage my emotions so now, after 20 years, I finally got the nerve to ask for help from a doctor and I can’t because of the Corona Virus. It makes me feel privileged when I say that I feel like the world is working against me and me wanting to heal and get better because there are people out in the world in much worse environments than I am in.Then I just think about the six hour mental breakdown I had crying so hard that I wanted to yank both of my eyeballs out of my head because it hurt so fucking bad because my boyfriend was going to go into work on his day off... so many unhealthy behaviors in one sentence oh goodness... 

How does a person go through their entire life without having a purpose?

What is the purpose to any life at all?

The meaning to life is so flexible. And complicated. Why isn’t it easy enough that everyone had the same beliefs and everyone could just agree with each other? Why does the world have to be one big question?