moonchilde

For the past 6 months I've been debating whether or not to tell a co-worker how I feel about them. Their profile on Grindr said single all this time, I finally get the courage to spill everything, and they say they're in a relationship and that they don't date co-workers. That's fine and all, but this time and energy having amounted to nothingness has caused my insecurities and anxiety to completely spike. My dating pool - even tho I don't really date - isn't limited to the people I work with. I'm open to all possibilities. This damn app, on the other hand. Toxic and anonymous and a completely backwards environment I navigated for 6 months just deciding on if I should even speak up. The amount of times I saw his profile image and details change on the daily are making me feel as if maybe he isn't out to those around him, in which case saying he's in a relationship but posing as single on an app is even worse. I'm just at a loss because I thought I was on a different page when I'm actually in a different book and the world got a little colder and emptier all of a sudden. I thought I was doing something, that I was connecting to someone. This situation makes me feel so uncomfortable with my own self, as if I'm not enough. The thing about all of this that makes me feel even worse is that this was genuinely one of the few times in my life where I've been focused on myself and was completely blindsided by someone that was perfect for me. It wasn't the first time and it probably won't be the last, I am just completely uncertain as to what to do with my life at this moment. I believe in signs and fate, so there are reasons for all of this, I just need to understand what they are. Today I made one conscious decision to focus on someone that I have unfinished business with, we'll see how that goes. Probably as horrible as what happened this morning, but at least I'll be able to say I did something about my life, for me. I can't keep living with so much regret, even tho I am heartbroken about what happened over the last few months, this is no way to live. I feel a change coming, but the time that passes leaves me feeling so sad. I'm so lost and uncertain, yet comforted for some strange reason. Everything is bittersweet.