Oh Dear.

fellatio sounds like a supporting shakespeare character rather than oral sex on a penis to be honest

"I am the Sword of God" is like easily top 10 things to declare immediately before doing something really stupid that will probably injure you

Oh you thought I would be your golden retriever boyfriend? Sorry I’m your husky boyfriend. AWOWOOOOOROTOTOOOOOOAUAUAUAUAUAUAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAWAWAEAEAEAEAWAWAWAWAWAAAAAAAAA

Murderbot is the patron saint of tryin your best at your shitty job and time theft

straight up 'unforchin it'. and by 'it', haha, well. let's justr say. my circumstants

This is what they like to call Environmental Storytelling

Grabbing one early this year so I’m prepared.

📦 Shipping update: we're not delivering your parcel because you checked the tracking page too much and we got shy about it

whoever said all-nighters are exhausting is a liar i'm doing great. i've never felt better in my entire life, the birds are chirping as they welcome me into the gates of morningdom

so baby hold me closer in the toast slot of your toaster

You make soup in a big bowl. You serve it in a smaller bowl. And then you convey it, using a spoon, to your mouth. But what is the spoon? Simply a smaller bowl still

“it’s not that deep” it’s not that shallow. now what

adult friendships are so dumb like yeah i think i can find a time to hang. how’s february 17th at 4pm

oh if you meant sexually then yes

unspeakably tired. "oh i should make coffee". get up. fill the coffeemaker with water. put in a fresh filter. pour lentils,