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My period just started

🙃

Oh wow...

The guy was really sweet and easy to talk to. He was really respectful, opened all the doors for me and other people, offered his jacket, paid for dinner. He walked me back to my car and we hugged and I didn't feel uncomfortable once.

But now that I think about it, it really fucking hurts.

I don’t think I actually have a place in this world. I don’t have my place in a friend group. I don’t have a place in my family. I merely exist and occupy a space but nothing past that. 

People like me and call me smart, sweet, caring, whatever. But only at a surface level. 

When I try to make friends or find a place I fit, it never works.

My own self is the enemy. My own brain. My own being. 

Accidentally freaked out two people today. Out of nowhere got a feeling of which months they were born in and randomly asked them.

Got both right and freaked them out. I didn’t mean to, I just got really lucky 

One even asked if I was into astrology (I am not) and it just made it even weirder

My mom: yeah if you continue to work out and fast a few days before

I’m hoping that I judge myself more than others do. While I may notice how my arms or stomach or back looks, I think others are too focused on themselves to see what’s wrong with me.

My confidence is actually pretty good right now. I have a job offer, I was recently told I’ll be valedictorian, my current job is going well, and I feel so much better since starting back at the gym.

I mean, not everything is perfect. I still have more assignments to do, still have more job interviews, and am not as strong as I want to be but nothing will ever be perfect. I am learning to enjoy the highs as they come and not worry about when the lows will come. I hope I can continue to stay like this.

Every time I I feel pain in my eyes from staring at the screen too long

Every time I overeat from stress

Every time I wake up at 4 am 

Every time I drink coffee so I don’t fall asleep

Every time I cry because there’s so much to do

Every time I have a headache or don’t feel well

Every time I want to take a break

Every time I no longer feel like doing this

I remember why I’m doing it

and that there are better things to come

Better days will come