Tick Tock. Let's Make It Rock.

The ‘Wounded Feminine’ argument

One Instagram user @madelynmoon had the best take on how Clare behaved. 

I think that Clare is the embodiment of the “wounded feminine.” And she’s dressing it up as [being a] strong, empowered, confident woman....When [Clare] gets so upset that people aren’t jumping to take her out, and she’s calling it being a “strong, feminine woman,” it’s actually a deep-rooted feeling that she doesn’t want to feel. 

@Madelynmoon also mentioned Clare’s immediate obsession with Dale:

[Clare] is showing us what we all do with crushes...we’re all on the inside saying “he’s the one.” It’s like she created the drama so he’d do something. And then he did the thing that she set the scene for...It’s proving her story that he’s the one. 

Madelyn also noted Clare isn’t exploring any of the other men because of her crush on Dale:

She’s locked in her mind because of the chemicals she’s feeling and she’s calling it love.

There were so many truths spoken, and I couldn’t have said it any better myself, so shout out to Madelynmoon. Follow her on IG here.

Now back to Clare.

In Defense of Clare

Now, this may just be her way to get back at production for her unfavorable edit, but Clare has been accusing production (via the platform of liking Tweets that fit her narrative) of trying to end her season early:

Clare is claiming (in a subtle) way that she will be forced out as The Bachelorette. If this is true, ABC is backtracking on their attempts at proving they’re not ageist...interesting. Clare’s storyline as the oldest Bachelorette is amazing and hard to top. 

Clare is definitely not all sunshine and rainbows, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t deserving of love. I hate when people criticize a woman’s personality as the reason they are single. NEWSFLASH: Clare is a baddie. If she wanted to be married by now, she would be. You aren’t special for being married to your mediocre husband you secretly hate, Karen.

Other Stuff That Happened This Episode

Group Date No. 1 was related to love languages. The “words of affirmation” part was by far the weirdest. They had all the men (who basically just met Clare) declare their love for her on a stage that looked like it was set for a high school’s adaptation of Romeo and Juliet.

1-on-1, or should I say pseudo therapy session, with Jason was weird. He was forced to talk about his past and feelings the entire time and he hated every second of it. 

Group Date No. 2 consisted of the controversial “strip dodgeball” activity. Many people were upset at the alleged “reverse sexism” happening on the date since people would be so0o mad if this hApPenEd tO wOmen. Uh, this has been happening to women for years. Until men are sexually harassed and repressed like women have been for centuries, I don’t care if the men have to spend 24/7 naked on this damn show (as long as they consent to it.) It won’t affect them personally or professionally in any way. I was more concerned about Jason being forced to talk about his dirty laundry. Find an actual issue to care about.

1. Canadian Blake

Apparently Clare did not “respect the process” when it came to Canadian Blake (bio included for reference).

Clare said Blake was the “only guy” who reached out to her before filming. She said it “meant everything” to her. They shared a kiss and he got the first rose at the rose ceremony (which typically is a big deal and means he’s going far.)

I am a fan of Canadian Blake, so this “not respecting the process” exchange didn’t bother me, but Clare is just full of sh*t and needed to be called out.

2. Talking to guys before her season started

This point goes beyond just Blake.

Clare claims Blake is the only person she communicated with before her season started filming, which is so blatantly untrue and I’m offended she doesn’t come up with better lies. She genuinely believes Bachelor Nation is made up of idiots.

So here’s why I’m mad.

Dale (football player turned model living in NYC) walked out of the limo, said some generic comment to Clare, and then walked inside the mansion. That’s it. 

Yet somehow this entrance inspired Clare to proclaim “I think I just met my husband.” 

She says she’s “old enough” to know when she meets the right person. No, Clare, you have been talking to Dale throughout the pandemic and are coming up with this stupid “love at first sight” narrative so we don’t think you ruined the show for us, because you did. What happened to “respecting the process?”

And this leads me to my third and final point.

3. Clare using her age as an excuse

This isn’t entirely Clare’s fault. Her entire draw as The Bachelorette is her age, and production certainly won’t let us forget about it since they bring it up every 30 seconds.

Even if she did meet Dale for the first time after he came out the limo, her dumbass isn’t “old” or “wise” enough to know she met “the one” at that exact moment unless she possess some sort of psychic powers. (Note: If I find out that Clare actually is a witch, then I promise to rescind these statements)

What Clare is experiencing here is lust. If she was indeed old and wise, she would know she needs to get to know someone before falling in love with them. You can’t just look at someone and automatically know they are nice to waiters and love their grandparent...You need time to figure that out. 

They don’t even let you fall in love with someone right away on The Sims! 

Clare, I’m starting to think your age doesn’t mean you’re grown at all....

Ben, 29, Army ranger veteran

“Ben's favorite indulgence is an ice bath.“ Well then.

Alexa, play “Run” by AWOLNATION.

Bennett, 36, Wealth management consultant

Bennett’s profile is the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen. This man says he is the total package but hasn’t always been "this successful and good looking.” But wait, there’s more: “According to Bennett, his high school girlfriend is the only girl he's ever had to work for.“

Can someone tell me what NYC neighborhood he lives in so I can blacklist it?

Blake M1, 31, Male grooming specialist

Blake’s just another stereotypical “29th round draft pick who sat on the bench of the practice team before getting cut, but claims he left the sport due to an injury on his own accord.” 

Blake M2, 29, Wildlife manager

This Blake is an outdoorsy Canadian who seems pretty genuine and cool. Unfortunately, he has the face of someone who’d get sent home on night one. I hope I’m wrong.

Brandon, 28, Real Estate Agent

Just another boring hot person. Nothing to see here.

Brendan, 30, Commercial roofer

Brandan, not to be confused for Brandon, “loves some good true crime, working out and hanging out with his friends.” I can’t even make fun of this man. We have the exact same interests. 

Chasen, 31, IT account executive

The Winklevoss twins are actually triplets and Chasen is their long lost brother. But more seriously, have you ever seen someone who looks more like their name than this man?

Chris, 27, Landscape design salesman

“Chris hopes to find a woman who is sharp and witty but also easygoing.” Chris, sweetheart, have you met Clare? Easygoing...? There’s still time back out of this before it’s too late.

Dale, 31, Former pro football wide receiver

Dale aggressively screams “Bachelor material.” I’d say he’s auditioning for that role but Matt James already scooped it up. Better luck next year, Daley.

Demar, 26, Spin cycling instructor

Demar is a “very popular spin instructor in Scottsdale and says he can get on that bike and spin to any beat thrown his way.” Imagine how many trophy wives Demar has f*cked? 

Eazy, 29, Sports marketing agent

Eazy is very similar to Dale on paper. Except his name is Eazy so he automatically loses that battle.

Ed, 33, Health care salesman

“Ed is looking to find a woman who has natural beauty without looking overly fake.” Ed deserves to die alone.

Garin, 34, Professor of Journalism

Garin’s bio is giving me hubby material vibes. And maybe a little bit of a “gets eliminated on night one” vibe too.

Ivan, 28, Aeronautical Engineer

Ivan, what are you doing here? We’re in a recession. Please go back to your normal job before it’s too late. 

Jason, 31, Former pro football linemen

“He is a former NFL offensive lineman who, after suffering too many concussions on the field, decided to prioritize his health and change the direction of his life.” A big, brawny HIMBO with CTE? I feel like he’s Clare’s type.

Jay, 29, Fitness director

There are too many things about Jay that I dislike and I’m trying to keep this brief. Jay says “it's time to take a break from worrying about others and focus on himself instead.” I am willing to bet money that this man has never made a woman c*m.

Jeremy, 40, Banker

Jeremy is the oldest contestant ever to come on "The Bachelorette,” which may seem like a monuments accomplishment but he’s literally only one year older than Clare. 

He also “hates Instagram models, both male and female,” so he should have a lot of fun here.

Joe, 36, Anesthesiologist

Before I even saw his profession and location, I thought Joe looked like a doctor I’d find on a NYC dating app...and...uh...I probably did see him on there now that I think about it.

Anyway, this man has apparently been through seven stages of hell while on the front lines fighting Covid-19 in NYC so I definitely think he deserves to find love. Someone marry him please.

Jordan C, 26, Software account executive

I can already tell Jordan is going to get the “I’m young but mature” edit which means he’s probably not going to be good TV.

Too bad someone a tad younger (like Tayshia) wasn’t the Bachelorette. I feel like they’d make a cute couple.

Jordan M., 30, Cyber security engineer

I was going to say something mean but Jordan’s into cyber security and I don’t want my blog to be deactivated, so never mind. Cast photos are historically bad so I’m sure he looks much better in real life.

Kenny, 39, Boy band manager

I could go for the obvious drags regarding this man’s profession (or his sh*tty chest tattoo, or his suspiciously boyish face relative to his age), but I like to think I’m more clever than that. 

I’d like to take this time to talk about men, who are obviously difficult people, who rant and rave about how they want an “easygoing” woman. Look into the mirror, bud. No, not the one you use to jerk off to your reflection; the mirror that looks into your soul. Out of respect for the rest of humankind, have some self-awareness. Or maybe just see a therapist.

Mike, 38, Digital media advisor

Mike is seemingly a decent catch, but I can’t help but wonder why he’s still single or how he never (accidentally or on purpose) impregnated a woman in his 38 years of life. 

And now that I’m thinking about it, do any of these men have children? I have yet to see any mention of it in their bios. But there are eight men left to review, so there’s still time.

Page, 37, Chef

I spoke too soon. Page is a father! He also hates football! I’m a fan of this man. I was initially going to drag him for his name and say that Page is not a real name. PAIGE is a real name. PAGE is a piece of paper. I’m allowed to say this because we have the same name except mine is spelled the correct way. Based on my (mostly positive) review of his cast bio, I have decided not to hold his name against him.

Riley, 30, Long Island City

Riley, once married with children, would like to go on a family vacation that consists of touring every single MLB stadium in the country. If i were his wife, I would simply never give this man children.

Robby, 30, Insurance broker

No more Robbys on The Bachelorette. Society has evolved past its need for more Robbys.

This Robby described his dream woman as: “Incredibly athletic and able to throw back a few beers with him after a day of hiking. She has a sweet personality and won't mind that he spends his Sundays on the golf course.”

Someone please give this man a sex doll. He just wants a hole.

Tyler C., 27, Lawyer

“Tyler C. is a badass lawyer who says he is a businessman by day and a cowboy by night.” How does that make him a lawyer? Does this mean he’s into cosplay? I’m confused.

Tyler S., 36, Music manager

Tyler makes an honorable living off riding his brother’s dick success as a country singer. “He just LOVES his job!” Uh yeah, I would too if I had a low-show, high-paying job off the merits of nepotism. It’s the American dream.

Yosef, 30, Medical device salesman

Another dad! He’s totally going to pull the “girl dad” narrative. That saying is kind of sexist to me but the masses generally eat it up, so I’m fairly confident Yosef will get the "sweet guy” edit he’s looking for.

Zac C., 36, Addiction specialist

“He loves Philadelphia sports and dreams of sharing a Philly Cheesesteak with his future wife while watching the Eagles win a Super Bowl.” This man is so South Jersey it hurts. 

On a more serious note, I don’t think anyone in recent history has spoken openly about their personal struggle with addiction on this show, so I hope Zac gets a chance to tell his story. 

Zach J., 37, Cleaning service owner

Zach is seemingly obsessed with Clare already and hopes to introduce her to his mom as his fiancée. Since Zach watched Clare on Juan Pablo’s season, you’d think he’d know that Clare would first meet his mom during the final four hometown dates. Assuming he makes it that far. My prediction is that he won’t.

Final thoughts

After eight long months Bachelor Mondays are back!!!

Uhh....wait.

Actually, we now have the less-exciting Bachelor Tuesdays. Yeah, it definitely doesn’t have the same ring to it. But I’ll take anything at this point.

Here are my final predictions:

First impression rose: Dale. It just looks like he can turn on the bullsh*t charm

Final rose: Jason. Clare wants a HIMBO I just know it.

Bachelor: nobody (Matt James is The Bachelor)

Most likely to get engaged on Bachelor in Paradise: Blake M2

Most likely to get canceled online: Bennett

Most likely to get sent home night one but deserve better: Chris

Did she and JP do it in the ocean that one episode? Maybe we’ll actually find out the truth. 

She came out the limo on JP’s season wearing a fake baby bump, which completely shocked me at the time. She’s confident, beautiful and not afraid to take risks. 

She famously feuded with fellow frontrunner Nikki Ferrell, who eventually won JP’s final rose (Note how I didn’t say his heart. I’m still not sure he has one)

She went on Bachelor in Paradise twice. All I remember is she went on a date with Jared, and Ashley I (of course) said nasty things about her in ITMs. IMO Clare shouldn’t take any interviews from Ashley. I wouldn’t if i was her. 

Clare “retired” from reality TV on her second season of Bachelor in Paradise. But like all the greats, she came out of retirement. Ever hear of Michael Phelps? I rest my case.

She made her comeback in Bachelor Winter Games where multiple men were once again fighting for her affection (bad bitch energy), and she once again left alone because she wasn’t interested in settling (my kinda girl). She eventually started dating French Canadian man Benoit (bring back The Bachelorette Canada you cowards) and was briefly engaged to him.

Clare prefers to date younger men. Do I expect an entire season of men in their 30/40s, mature and ready to settle down? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT. The cast will be the same as any other season with like MAYBE five men specifically chosen with Clare in mind. Don’t get your hopes up for a more mature season. I also find a woman dating a younger man kind of empowering. Men date younger women all the time. In my humble opinion we need to see more women doing the same.

I’ve always found her annoying, but please don’t confuse me as a Clare hater. She’s confident, knows what she wants, refuses to settle, isn’t afraid of confrontation, and is (most importantly) good tv. After a season of Peter, the most milquetoast man I have even seen on my television screen, we need someone like Clare more than ever. 

I’m extremely curious how a 38-year-old woman will navigate her time as The Bachelorette. This is entirely for personal reasons. I’m 29 now and kind of afraid of being in my late thirties and still single. I hate that (internally sexist) part of my brain that thinks this and I truly feel like watching Clare confidently date at her age and not compromise on any of her values will inspire me and other women to do the same.

But Peter’s first cocktail party was not done right. Night one took up less than half of the three hour premiere. Not one moment struck out to me aside from the Hannah B. cameo and there were way too many pilot/windmill references for my preference.

Follow me on Twitter and Instagram: @thebachdiaries 

It was very obvious the producers of this show also realized the first cocktail party was too boring for a season premiere, so they packed an entire week filled with dates into it.

There are only five girls who seem to be relevant this season, and I’ve listed them below:

Hannah Ann

There’s a new Hannah in town and she’s nothing like Hannah Beast. In fact, this 23-year-old model reminds me more of Caelynn; a mean girl, fake, and a wolf in sheep’s clothing. At first, I thought she was one of the prettiest girls I’ve seen come out of the limo: a mix between Sarah Hyland and Victoria Justice.

But that feeling ended real quick when she decided to steal Peter from the other girls on multiple occasions. Peter didn’t seem to mind it, though. He stuck his tongue down her throat and gifted her the first impression rose. Someone needs to be the villain, and it appears Hannah Ann has volunteered as tribute. 

Alayah

The 24-year-old orthodontist assistant was the first girl out the limo, and that normally means she will likely be a key player. Alayah read Peter a letter her grandma wrote to him and got a lot of camera time. This chick will probably be here for awhile.

Madison

Madison is a foster parent recruiter. Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to make fun of a foster parent recruiter? I refuse. Madison was the second person to receive a rose at the rose ceremony and the first girl to get a 1-on-1 date. 

On the date, she saw Peter’s parents renew their vows. Meeting the parents on the first date personally isn’t my taste, but Madison seemed to enjoy it. Her and Peter talked a whole lot about how strong their connection is, but I genuinely didn’t see any proof of that alleged connection. 

All talk, no action. Even so, I still think she will go pretty far.

Victoria P.

If Madison is an angel, then Victoria P. is a saint. She’s had a hard life. Her father passed away when she was younger and her mom and sister have both battled addiction. Nobody has ever really taken care of her before. Have I mentioned she’s a nurse? I’d die for Victoria P. 

She was the first person to receive a rose at the rose ceremony, which is a slot typically reserved for major players only. 

She also wore glasses during the cocktail hour portion of the group date, which I’ve never seen before. (yes Demi wore glasses on Paradise, but that’s different) 

Protect this woman at all costs. 

Kelley

According to Kelley, she was at her best friend’s wedding in California and she just so happened to run into Peter in the hotel lobby while he was at his high school reunion. Talk about serendipity! She totally didn’t stalk him.....

We don’t really know what a happened beyond that night except that they “hit it off.” Like, are you telling me that they had a 30 second convo in the hotel lobby and didn’t exchange numbers or go have a drink at the bar? 

Kelley, look at me. 

Something happened that they’re not talking about. (If you know spoilers, please don’t tell me) Peter was like “I couldn’t stop thinking about you since we met” blah, blah, blah. Did they smash? Yes or no.

Kelley competed in an airplane-themed obstacle course to win a plane ride with Peter, and she won (and got the group date rose) but only because she cheated. Congrats Kelley, I hope making all the other girls hate you was worth it.

Hannah B. Carrying The Episode on Her Back

The former Bachelorette made another appearance at the second group date, where she had to retell the cursed “windmill” story in front of all of Peter’s new girlfriends. The theme of the group date was telling sex stories. 

(Side note: I watch this show with my MOTHER. Why do they do this to me?)

Hannah, who is still under contract and was probably there because she didn’t want to get fined, began crying and was pretty unresponsive when Peter tried bringing up the past.

Producers to the makeup artist: Don’t use waterproof mascara. Thanks in advance.

ABC, stop holding Hannah hostage and let her go back to Alan teaching her the rumba on Dancing With the Stars, thanks.

There will be seven 23-year-olds on this season of The Bachelor. Do you know what I was doing a month away from my 24th birthday? I was in the hospital and my doctor was seriously considering putting me in the pediatric ward because I passed as a child. Meanwhile, these girls are [allegedly] ready to get married. I mean, it seems unlikely, but who am I to judge.

The thing I don’t get about casting younger women is that gorgeous single women in their late 20s and early 30s exist in plenty, and yet they are rarely on the show. Upon second thought, they probably all have jobs.

If I wanted to feel old, I would’ve opened TikTok, not watch The Bachelor, but I digress.

I put together a last minute roundup, ranking Peter’s girls from best to worst.

Here it is:

Stop

Pitting

Women

Against

Each 

Other

They

Are

All

Special

In 

Their 

Own

Way

And 

I 

Refuse

To 

Succumb

To

The

Pressure

Of

Judging

People 

I 

Don’t

Know

Kelley

Mykenna

Why Kelly, age 27, is the best: Her bio.

Kelley is a modern woman who doesn't need a man to take care of her. She has incredibly high standards and is looking for a man to push her forward instead of holding her back. Her most recent relationship was an international long-distance affair where she was traveling to Jordan once or twice a month, but finally got to the point where she couldn't see herself moving to the Middle East. Now that Kelley is single, she is focused on her career as an attorney. 

Go off, sis.

Why Mykenna, age 22, is the worst: She’s 22.

Also, her bio.

Mykenna may love to curate chic outfits, but she's way more than a pretty girl in a photo!

Wait, sorry. I just stopped reading her bio because I just lost all my remaining brain cells. Go back to the pediatric ward, Mykenna.

10. Tyler C.

No particular moment comes to mind. I just wanted to thank him for existing. He’s also the show’s most popular contestant ever and dated A-list supermodel GiGi Hadid. For those reasons, Tyler deserves a spot in Bachelor Hall of Fame.

9. Carly and Evan

A quick excerpt from a former blog post of mine:

They are BY FAR the cutest couple to come out of this show. And if you’re ever desperate to get someone to like you back, maybe try faking a sickness. You might end up marrying them and having two kids together. I’m not feeling so hot all of a sudden....

8. Des and Brooks break up

I’m happy that Des and Chris are still together to this day, but I still have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how they moved past Des telling Brooks he was the one and that she didn’t want to be with anyone else. And yet a week later, she got engaged. Anyway, it’s been several years, but Brooks could still get it. He’s my No. 1 Bachelor Nation crush.

7. Arie dumping Becca

“Dumping” doesn’t do this traumatic moment justice. Arie publicly crushed Becca’s soul only after he had Lauren lined up ready to be with him. It was arguably the most cringeworthy scene in Bachelor history. I will never get those 20 minutes back. And for that, the universe cursed Arie with an ugly baby. I said what I said.

6. Kaitlyn doing it with Nick, but choosing Shawn

This (^) is the moment Kaitlyn asked Nick if he wanted to go “hang out” in her hotel room after their date. This (^) is also Nick’s reaction. TO THIS DAY, I have absolutely no idea what she was thinking. She knew, he knew, we all knew she was going to pick Shawn. I actually don’t think she was thinking at all. I never understood how Shawn moved past this, but evidently he didn’t since they broke up three years later. And now Kaitlyn’s with Jason and they own two golden retrievers. 

5. Colton’s fence jump

I don’t think anything shook up Bachelor nation more than Colton’s fence jump. We counted down the days, we changed our Twitter names, we made countless memes. Sure, I’ve been shocked by other Bachelor events (the windmill, Blake porking countless Bachelor alum), but Colton jumping a massive fence and disappearing into the Portugese wilderness because Cassie dumped him just hits different. 

4. Same sex couple representation on Bachelor In Paradise

This is apparently controversial to some people because Kristian was not in the franchise prior to going on the show, but these people didn’t seem to have that problem when Ashley I’s sister went on Bachelor In Paradise. Considering the fact The Bachelor is a heterosexual show, how do they expect a queer relationship to appear out of thin air? Just say you’re homophobic and go. Phew, this got me heated. Even though Kristian and Demi didn’t work out, I am thankful they brought some representation to this show. It was long needed.

3. A Bachelorette finally going on Dancing With The Stars...and winning

Mike Fleiss, the creator of the show, was too busy being in a legal battle for allegedly beating up his wife to intervene with this. If he had it his way, no woman lead would ever go on DWTS. There has never been a female Bachelor lead go on Dancing With The Stars before. Meanwhile, the men have had Sean Lowe, Chris Soules, Nick Viall....even Grocery Store Joe. And the FIRST time we get a woman on, she wins. Another reason why women are superior to men. (P.S. Melissa Rycroft doesn’t count because she wasn’t a lead. And she won All Stars years later, further proving my point that women are superior.)

1. The First Black Bachelorette 

I freaking love Rachel Lindsay. And if you don’t love her, please know that you are just projecting your insecurities onto her. Rachel is smart, strong, confident, beautiful and educated. No other lead has been this well-rounded, but that’s how you have to be if you’re going to be the first black Bachelorette. Meanwhile, Ben Higgins was a 26-year-old salesman who led his season with puppydog eyes. Another reason Rachel was the best: she married Bryan about two years after they got engaged. Mrs. Abosolo doesn’t like to waste her time. And for that, I stan.

If you want to know the names of all the girls Blake banged, it’s listed out in the chorus of Petey Pablo’s “Freek-A-Leek.” If you listen closely enough, you can hear the names of Hannah G., Caelynn, Kristina and Tayshia. I know, I know. It’s hard to keep count of them all. 

Luckily enough for Blake, they will all be easily accessible in Paradise! And as we all know, “every dog has its day,” and I’m thinking that day will happen for Blake very, very soon. Karma’s a beach, and he’s gonna get his in Paradise. :sunglasses emoji:

John Paul Jones

Here’s a pic of JPJ entering Paradise in a speedo. We don’t deserve him.

Remember when I called him a serial killer? JPJ, I am so sorry. 

My favorite thing about JPJ is that he isn’t putting on a show for the cameras. I recently declared him the king of the normie-passing weirdos. We love our fearless leader. 

My biggest fear is that JPJ won’t find a connection in Paradise and we’ll have to say goodbye to him prematurely. For the sake of America, SOMEBODY LOVE HIM!

Shakah brah.

Demi

Honestly Big Brother needs to get a new tagline because Demi is the poster child for “Expect the Unexpected.” Call me naive, but I really do believe change is coming in Bachelor Nation. Rachel Lindsay was our first black Bachelorette, and some fans (including myself) are campaigning hard for Mike to become the first black Bachelor. But silly little me never thought I’d see same sex couples on the show. 

But then I see queer queen Demi in the “Bachelor in Paradise” trailer getting ready to propose to a woman. It’s everything I didn’t know I needed. But also, who is this mystery woman that Demi is in love with? Is she part of Bachelor Nation? I must know. 

Chris Bukowski

This guy is a Bachelor Nation legend who may be a bit unknown to the franchise’s newer fans. Chris was on Emily Maynard’s season, “Bachelor Pad 3,” attempted to crash Andi Dorfman’s season (LOL I forgot about that), then went on Bachelor in Paradise seasons 1 and 2 before formally retiring from reality tv. 

After attending “Reality TV addicts anonymous” seminars for the last few years, Chris broke his sober streak for our tv viewing pleasure. How selfless of him. Also, he’s like 20 years older than some of the cast, hence why he’s using a walker.

Dean’s mustache

The facial hair that rocked Bachelor Nation. With the phrase “dress to impress” in mind, Dean grew a mustache, forgot to bathe, and put on a dirty shirt he wore two years ago. He also lives in a van now.

Respect women, fellas. This could be you one day.

Even with that mustache, he’s STILL going to play someone. I just know it. Kristina will also be making an appearance, so maybe he will be able to do some moral inventory with her. 

Oh, and here’s a pic of Dean combing his mustache to hold you over until tonight. I apologize in advance if you’re squeamish. 

This striking individual is allegedly the same person as this thumb-of-a-man below:

I don’t wish unemployment on anyone, but I hope the photographer who took this picture received a very fair severance package.

By episode four, Tyler G. was quietly sent home with no explanation. Obviously he was accused of something and ABC didn’t want that burden on their back, especially after they casted a SEX OFFENDER on Becca’s season, so he, and his Ian Somerhalder-esque jawline were sent back to wherever they came from.

Goodbye, Tyler G. We hardly knew ye. In the future don’t (allegedly) spit in any girl’s face. You might get kicked off a reality TV show one day.

Luke P. (the “P” stands for PLEASE LET’S STOP GIVING HIM ATTENTION)

I get that he’s the “villain” of this season, but hear me out.

Luke P. isn’t that bad. (Narrator: He really is that bad. Just wait)

Sure, he exudes so much confidence that it makes me roll my eyes into the back of my head, but I kind of respect it. (Narrator: She doesn’t respect it anymore)

I know people are saying he was “love bombing” Hannah on night 1 in order to get the first impression rose, but I just want to make it clear that it doesn’t make him an abusive person just because he flooded her with affection, and people shouldn’t label him a possible abuser because of that single instance. It’s not like he (allegedly) spat in his girlfriend’s face. (Narrator: Gaslighting is abusive behavior)

(Narrator: This paragraph somewhat defending Luke P. has beed removed due to bad judgement. Luke P. actually does suck. A lot.)

Every season there’s a little punk who has no chance at staying on the show with their connection with The Bachelorette alone, so they decide to spark a feud with the guy getting the most camera time. First there was Chad and Evan. Then there was Jordan and David. Now There’s Luke P. and Luke S.

Luke P. and I make the same face whenever Luke S. opens his mouth.

And I get it. I, too, have a secret hatred for every person with the same name as me, but Luke S. annoys me so much that I’m starting to feel bad for Luke P. (Narrator: She doesn’t feel bad anymore)

Maybe I’m wrong and Luke P. really is the worst. (Narrator: He is) 

Maybe he really is being a douche canoe off camera and deserves to be ganged up on by the other guys. (Narrator: He is)

I don’t have the answers. (Narrator: You soon will)

I’m just saying I hate Luke S. more. (Narrator: This is no longer true. Luke S. is still annoying though)

MIKE FOR BACHELOR

I honestly don’t care if you don’t like Mike. Nobody asked you. 

I see so much Bachelor potential in him, and I really think (with the right edit, COUGH, COUGH, ABC) he could become our first black Bachelor.

That smile. That damn smile.

I don’t care if you love Pilot Pete, Tyler C., Jedd, or whoever else the frontrunners are right now. If any of them get the gig over Mike, I’m strongly considering protesting in the streets. I’m fairly confident, with the power of Bachelor Twitter fandom, that we can make the #MikeForBachelor movement happen.

My only concern is that Mike seems like he is getting mixed up in the drama, which I hope doesn’t paint him in a negative light. And I’m scared he’s going to get eliminated before the top 6, which could hurt his chances. I’m at the edge of my seat at every rose ceremony.

Nevertheless, I do think that we can will this to come true. Mike :clap: for :clap: Bachelor :clap:.

FRONTRUNNERS

To put it bluntly, these are the only guys who have a chance with Hannah:

Jedd— He pulled an “8-Mile” and dissed himself before anyone else could by admitting to Hannah that he came on the show for the “wrong reasons.” The thing about “red flags” are that you ignore then when you’re into someone. Despite Jedd waving his “wrong reasons” flag (he wants to promote his country music career) in front of her face, Hannah could care less. She’s smitten.

Tyler C.— Look, if Hannah isn’t into Tyler C., she should just let Twitter fight over who gets what body part. I would like to call dibs on his torso. On a more serious note, Tyler C. is insanely hot, shockingly deep and actually seems like a genuine person. Everyone thought Blake was going to be to hottest ticket in Paradise, but now he’s not even on the starting roster. Meanwhile. Tyler C. is first up at bat. With that said, I don’t think Hannah is going to pick him, but he’s top four for sure.

A short list of people Tyler C. looks like: Patrick Swayze, Miles Teller, Ryan Lochte, Connor, my future husband.

Connor— Poor Connor may have had the worst 1-on-1 date of all time. Hannah was sick, so instead of doing whatever they had planned, they laid in bed for about 15 minutes. He was a good sport about it and still got the rose. My mom said he was the perfect gentleman. There’s something kind of pure about him, and he has big “best to take home to mom and dad” energy.

Pilot Pete— I admittedly didn’t “get” they hype surrounding this guy. He looks like a pudgy man baby from certain angles. But from other angles, he can get it. I officially became part of the Pilot Pete fan club when he PICKED UP HANNAH AND MADE OUT WITH HER AGAINST THE WALL.

Yeah, we stan. (Also follow me on Twitter, @thebachdiaries)

Garrett— He’s my dark horse. I feel like we haven’t seen enough of him, but I think he should get a 1-on-1 date soon. I mean, he literally looks like Jordan Rodger’s long lost brother. He’s rich (you can’t be a pro golfer and poor at the same time. I think you have to pay hefty annual fees), is from Alabama, has an adorable southern accent, and was the first person to come out of the limo (which always means something.) The thing is, I don’t really like him. He reminds me of a frat bro who giggles at immature poop jokes.

HONORABLE MENTION: 

Luke P.— Even though Hannah is fed up with Luke P’s sh*t, she admitted she still has strong feelings for him. Plus, he received the first impression rose, and the recipient of that rose has gone on to get the final rose for FOUR SEASONS IN A ROW. I’m just saying. Luke P. may win this thing. 

Stay tuned for more recaps that will come out whenever I feel like posting them.

I just want to talk about Luke P. for a second

He’s already the most hated guy on the show (which says a lot because Cam recites terrible raps and refers to himself in the third person). This guy bragged about his looks, admitted he screwed lots of chicks in college, and incorrectly held a baby. He also said Jesus visited him in the shower to tell him to stop being such a man whore, pretended to read a bible. I know that’s a lot to digest, but I think all the aforementioned details are critical to the story.

He kind of reminds me of a crackhead doing jumping jacks in front of the McDonald’s entrance in that I dislike everything that’s happening, but I can’t seem to look away. 

Most problematic-ally, Luke P. is full of it. He told Hannah (who was in desperate need of reassurance after she confronted some ugly dude for having a girlfriend) everything she wanted to hear on night one. It was, as the kids say, hella fake and totally not for the “right reasons,” which of course means he was awarded the first impression rose.

Sigh.

Whatever, let’s talk about more important things.

BOX DADDY

When I first heard Joe refer to himself as box daddy ----->  

Me the fifth time Joe referred to himself as “box daddy” -----> 

I just can’t stop saying box daddy. It’s my new tick.

The box daddy was unfortunately shipped back to Chicago after night one, but I have a strong feeling his box may wash up on shore of Paradise this summer.

Guys to look out for

Cam— I will be pressing the :mute: button every time he opens his mouth. I refuse to listen to one second of any of his dumb raps.

John Paul Jones— Keep your friends close, but keep potential serial killers closer.

Mike— Just based on my first impression of him, he has Bachelor potential. Is it finally time for our first black Bachelor? We’re overdue. Pleasegetagoodeditpleasegetagoodeditpleasegetagoodeditpleasegetagoodedit. Also, see below tweet.

Tyler and Connor— Just because I think we have a potential Parent Trap situation on our hands. 

Peter— Mostly because my Twitter timeline is obsessed with him and I don’t get it whatsoever. Take away the fact that he is a pilot, he looks super average to me. Am I missing something here?

Not Luke P.— You won’t have to “look out” for him because I have a feeling we’re going to be talking about him ad nauseam. I already hate myself for it.

Connor J., 28, Sales Manager

Connor is so boring that ABC described him as “the kind of guy your dad wants you to end up with.” I don’t read spoilers, but SPOILER ALERT: he’s going home night one.

Connor S., 24, Investment Analyst

I can look past the fact he’s one of those “i like to travel” guys. I can’t, however, look past the fact he was a college swimmer. Burn him at the stake. 

Daron, 25, IT Consultant

Daron is scared of spiders and likes a woman who can take charge. In short, he’s a little b*tch.

Devin, 27, Talent Manager

Devin is best friends with Wills so I guess I'll be nice to him. As they say: “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” 

Dustin, 30, Real Estate Broker

Personally, I’d rather eat the ashes of everyone I’ve ever loved than date someone who loves Tony Robbins.

Dylan, 24, Tech Entrepreneur

I’m pretty sure his occupation is code for “unemployed.”

Garrett, 27, Golf Pro

Garrett is from Birmingham, which is Hannah G.’s hometown. I’m assuming they know each other. All hot people who live in the same city flock together. It’s science. 

Grant, 30, Unemployed

From his bio: “Grant is the real-life ‘The Dude.’" Say no more, fam. I’m ready to kick him straight in the nuts, which sucks for him because he obviously has no health insurance.

Hunter, 24, Pro Surfer

YOU SURF. WE GET IT. NEXT.

Jed, 25, Singer/Songwriter

Jed is the bobble head, Kmart version of Thomas Rhett.

Joe, 30, The Box King

The “working man” from Chicago aesthetic ONLY works for attractive men with great smiles, aka Grocery Store Joe. The Box King needs to find a new slant.

Joey, 33, Finance Manager

Joey’s barber...you’re fired.

John Paul Jones, 24, Financial Analyst

Do you know the kind of people we reference using their first, middle and last names? Serial killers.

Jonathan, 27, Server

Jonathan is the perfect guy for you if you want someone who likes to masturbate in front of a full-length mirror.

Kevin, 27, Behavioral Health Specialist

Kevin has muscles. Kevin helps veterans. Kevin loves Harry Potter. Kevin “loves too hard.” Kevin has a small penis, probably.

Luke P., 24, Import/Export Manager

On a scale of 1-10 for having a punchable face, Luke is Ben Affleck.

Luke S., 29, Political Consultant

The highlight of Luke’s life is hitting on Em Rata and making her blush. Actually, that would be the highlight of my life too. 

Matt Donald, 26, Medical Device Salesman

His name is Matt Donald. He’s been through enough in life. I don’t feel like making it worse.

Matteo, 25, Management Consultant

Where to begin. I guess I’ll start with the fact he allegedly helped create 114 children as a sperm donor. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that’s not true. 

Matthew, 23, Car Bid Spotter

Matthew is in the family business of auctioning, but hopes to one day join his family’s winery business. What is the truth?

Mike, 31, Portfolio Manager

ABC just HAD to put that Mike has a lot of “swag” in his bio. He sounds like the perfect guy. Also this isn’t really a spoiler, but I saw his intro video and...his ass is pretty perfect too. Just sayin’.

Peter, 27, Pilot

Well, look what we have here: another pilot. Unfortunately, there can be only one. They must fight to the death.

Ryan, 25, Roller Boy

He was a roller boy. She said get a better hobby, boy.

Scott, 28, Software Sales Executive

“Scott is an admirer of Kris Jenner.” I mean, same. His picture still creeps me out, though.

Thomas, 27, International Pro Basketball Player

Ball is life.

Tyler C., 26, General Contractor

“Tyler LOVES to dance. He says his friends get embarrassed by how intense he gets on the dance floor, but he doesn't care.“ I love Tyler. He’s also like, the hotter version of Miles Teller. And I’m insanely attracted to Miles Teller, so I don’t know what to do with my feelings right now.

Tyler G. ,38, Psychology Graduate Student

Tyler follows a keto diet and likes to go to Soul Cycle. He’s essentially a 40-year-old trophy wife.

Prediction corner:

First impression rose: I already watched the first episode, so I’m skipping this one.

Final Rose: Garrett (Alabama birds flock together) 

My pick [for me]: Tyler C.

The Next Bachelor: Mike

This season’s villain: Luke. He has a very punchable face.

The only endearing part of this date was Caelynn’s dad, John. Caelynn’s birth dad has never been in her life and John essentially became her dad at age four. Bless this man. 

Seeing John love Caelynn like his own daughter just really warmed my heart, and showed that there’s some men out there with pure souls....I mean there’s not a lot of them....but John proves that *SOME* exist.

After meeting her parents, Caelynn revealed to Colton that she’s in love with him while simultaneously checking off one item on her “How to become The Bachelorette” checklist. 

Things seem to be going perfectly to plan for Caelynn. Well, except for cursing like a pirate and calling Tayshia a “stupid b*tch” last episode. But Miss America First Runner Up doesn’t give up that quickly.

Birmingham, Alabama

“We’re in Birmingham, Alabama right now and I’m freaking out” - Hannah B.

Me too, Hannah. I’m not even literally there, but I’m still scared to see what the “South is all about.” Colton seemed concerned too.  

Hannah took him to an “etiquette class” where he learned how to walk with a book balancing on his head and how to properly eat a roll.

As Colton attempted to eat the roll, the etiquette women stopped him with a “Bless your heart,” which in the south means “You f*cking moron, what are you doing?” In New York we say, “Are you deadass rich now?” (I don’t say this, but I imagine some do.)

The etiquette lady then showed Colton, and the world, how we’ve been eating rolls wrong our entire lives. Are you ready to be mind fcked?

How to eat a roll like a lady:

Tear off a teeny, tiny piece of bread

Butter the small piece and put it in your mouth

Repeat this process until there is no more bread

In theory, I feel like you would actually consume more butter this way, which isn’t good for a lady’s figure, but I digress.

Then we get to meet Hannah’s friends and family.

Hannah G. is 23 and and has four friends who are all married. If I were her, I’d move to Los Angeles too.

Upon meeting Hannah’s parents, I immediately realized I am obsessed with her mom. This woman never left the ‘90s and kind of looks like Allison Janney in “I, Tonya.” In short: she’s iconic.

Those glasses are fire. I’m getting a similar pair soon.

Hannah seemed very convinced that she is going to get engaged to Colton. All we’ve really seen from Hannah on this show is that she doesn’t talk much and likes to make out with The Bachelor. I don’t doubt that she’s ready to get married, though. She is from Alabama after all.

I really like Hannah G. She is gorgeous but seems like she doesn’t let that affect her personality (I feel like a big part of Cassie’s personality is her looks), and seems like she would be friends with anyone, not just beautiful Instagram models. She truly deserves the best. Is “the best” Colton. Um....not sure. But if she wants him, girl go ahead.

Somewhere In Southern California (pt. 1)

Similar to “What came first? The chicken or the egg?” Do you think Tayshia is a thrill seeker or is she just pretending to be one for the show?

I mean the only thing that can top her and Colton’s bungee jumping date in Singapore is to go skydiving. It only makes sense. So guess what? They went skydiving. 

Poor Colton. I don’t think he’s even a fan of heights.

Tayshia warned Colton several times that her father is very “protective” of her. And, well, I expected more as he did give his blessing (after first saying “no,” but then changing his mind.) He seemed almost too reasonable. I was hoping for someone a little angrier. Someone like Matt Randolph.....

Somewhere In Southern California (pt. 2)

I’ve definitely said this before, but Cassie is the biggest Cali girl to ever be in this franchise. She lives in Huntington Beach and I doin’t expect her to ever leave. What’s it like to have no desire to leave your hometown? Can’t relate.

Cassie kept her “Cali girl” theme and took Colton surfing. For a former professional athlete, he wasn’t very athletic out in the water. He was much more impressive as a bench warmer in the NFL.

Upon entering Cassie’s home, we were greeted with several high-pitch squeals by about six blonde medically-enhanced women related to Cassie. Cassie’s dad seemed annoyed by how handsy Colton was with his daughter, who attended the BIBLE INSTITUTE of Los Angeles. I still can’t believe Cassie is that religious.

“I don’t know him, but he seemed like a....guy” - Matt Randolph with the quote of the season.

So I think I’m obsessed with Cassie’s sister. I have a strong feeling that I’m not alone in this. She has an actor boyfriend and has done modeling/small acting roles in the past. She was very pretty on “Young Once,” but now she is just so gorgeous that it doesn’t seem human. Shout out to well-done botox and fillers.

Colton was very transparent about his feelings for Cassie, and she was like “lol idk fam,” essentially giving him ZERO validation.

Anyway, nobody thinks Cassie is ready for marriage.

Other girls: Cassie isn’t ready.

Cassie’s family: Cassie isn’t ready

Colton: Are you ready?

Cassie, knowing she’s not ready: I’m ready and I’m really offended that you would think I’m not!

This seems like it will end well!

Rose Ceremony

Something interesting happened here. After Colton gave the first two roses to Tayshia and Hannah G, just Cassie and Caelynn remained. Once Cassie got the last rose, Caelynn looked to her and said “get engaged.”

This chick really thought she was competing to win another beauty pageant. I know there are mixed opinions on Caelynn, but I’m here to say she is one of the fakest contestants in recently memory. Her crying on the Women Tell All was incredibly fake and was a last-ditch attempt to become The Bachelorette. But the gag is her beauty queen enemy Hannah B. is now Bachelorette. And that folks, is how I know karma is real.

All I gotta say is Real eyes* realize Real lies**.

*Bachelor producers

Colton said: “That sucks, I’m not going to lie,” yet continued to not heed her warnings.

Tayshia got the rose and will have the chance to show Colton her hometown, where he will get to meet her “overprotective” father.

1-on-1 With Caelynn

My favorite part about Caelynn getting this date is that other girls were happy for her, yet were still upset and crying that it wasn’t them going on the date. I just love that dynamic.

Colton took Caelynn snowboarding. But the main course of this date was seeing Caelynn’s reaction to Tayshia’s claims.

Deny, deny, deny, curse, deflect blame, deny, deny, deny, feign innocence. 

^That right there was Caelynn’s response to Colton telling her that he found out she wasn’t genuine. 

Here are some memorable quotes from Miss USA first runner up:

“I feel like my future was just ripped away from me because there’s an insecure 28-year-old girl running around the house.”

“I’m the only one that’s falling in love in Colton, so f* her.”

“Dude, I better get a f*ing rose or I will call that stupid b*tch out.”

Whew. The real Caelynn suddenly jumped out. And it’s just as I suspected: Caelynn is a MEAN GIRL.

After their dinner portion of the date, Colton and Caelynn went to the Red Rocks amphitheater and got a private Brett Young concert. That’s a pretty incredible way to end a date. Much better than Tayshia’s date of cooking salmon and broccoli.

Caelynn still got a rose because she has some charm to her, not gonna lie. It’s almost like she’s as manipulative as Hannah B. claimed. 

Oh, and speaking of Hannah B., she got the next date.

1-on-1 With Hannah B.

Remember Hannah B.’s last 1-on-1 date with Colton? It was basically 10 years ago. Feel old yet?

I know there are some people who dislike Hannah B., but I’m not one of them. I think she’s the most beautiful girl on the show. She’s bubbly, spunky and has a great body, Plus she has an adorable southern accent. But I digress.

Hannah gets to meet Colton’s family. And I suddenly realize that Colton’s dad is low-key hot. I don’t know how to feel.

This interaction made me chuckle:

Colton’s mom: “How does Colton feel about you?”

Hannah: “I’d love to know.”

Well, apparently Colton doesn’t like Hannah B. that much because he sent her home after realizing he was thinking about other girls while on the date with her.

Hannah, in a killer pink dress, said she knows her worth, and that she deserves a guy who will love her.

“I will not allow myself to not be chosen every single day, and I will wait until whenever that is.”

Girl, preach.

3-on-1 with Heather, Kirpa, Hannah G. and Cassie

Technically it was more of a 2-on-1 between Cassie and Kirpa because we barely saw Hannah G and Heather peaced out early on a locomotive.

I can’t wait for her to make out with five guys in Bachelor in Paradise.

While Kirpa may have a monotone voice comparable to Ben Stein, she was still a pretty authoritative member of the “wrong reasons” police. She made some decent points against Cassie, who got pretty pissed about it.

Eventually, Colton (silently) gave Hannah G. a rose, and then Kirpa was sent home. Just like every stupid idiot in love, Colton ignored all the red flags and gave Cassie another chance.

You know what? If he gets screwed over at the end of this (not literally, obviously, since he’s a virgin), it’s what he deserves.

I think the only difference is he likes to make out with Hannah G. EVEN MORE than he likes to make out with Cassie, which I honestly didn’t think could be possible. I do feel like he had more fun with Cassie, though.

Hannah revealed she likes to put on a happy face at all times and makes sure to put everyone before herself. She and Colton also spoke about their parents’ respective divorces. It was nice to see ABC normalizing divorce. I mean, at this point most people’s parents are divorced (or wish they were divorced) anyway.

Lovers and Fighters Group Date

Colton continues to live out his never fulfilled dream of being an action hero. It first started with the pirate group date, and it lives on with this 3 Ninjas-esque performance. (That movie series shaped my childhood, btw)

The girls were required to fight each other and, of course, Hannah Beast prevailed in the task of just being a complete...you guessed it....beast. Demi, on the other hand, admitted she is more of a verbal sparrer. Same, tbh.

Like I said earlier, insecurities were running high for the women who have yet to receive a 1-on-1 date. Those in a state of panic included Demi, Sydney and Katie.

The first to crack under pressure was Sydney, who made a huge mistake and confronted Colton regarding his feelings for her. BIG MISTAKE. HUGE.

Sydney, you know that we know that you know that you’re not a top contender. Your best bet to optimize your time on this show was to just keep your mouth shut and cause no drama. But she just couldn’t do that. Unlike the breakup with Elyse, Colton didn’t beat around the bush when he sent Sydney home. He didn’t give one single f***. I kinda like savage Colton. Dare I say it’s hot?

Before she left, Sydney warned Colton that there’s a few girls left who are here for the “wrong reasons” and “aren’t ready for marriage.”

Well, riddle me confused! Which 23-year-old among the many 23-year-olds left are not ready for marriage? The audacity.

I have literally no clue who got the group date rose.

1-on-1 With Kirpa

Personally, I think writing about the 1-on-1 with Kirpa is a waste of my time, especially when the most interesting thing about her is that she had a bandaid on her chin for 1.25 episodes.

Knowing that she has no chance with Colton, Kirpa decides to make herself useful and snitch on every girl in the house. She reaffirmed to Colton that the 23-year-olds (Demi, Cassie, Caelynn, Hannah B) sans Hannah G (idk why she’s never included; i think it’s because she is THAT good at staying out of drama) aren’t ready to get married, which should be super concerning to Colton. 

I mean...Is it? Colton isn’t really ready for marriage himself. Ready to find a life partner? Sure. Marriage? Let him lose his virginity first. Baby steps.

‘He Doesn’t Act Like A Virgin’

I interrupt your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap to bring you a sidebar. Someone said this above quote to me on twitter a few weeks ago, and I have to take this very rare moment to stick up for Colton. 

There isn’t a certain way virgins “act.” Let’s just break this stigma right now.

Let’s pretend like virginity isn’t already a social construct for a second....A virgin can be the hottest person in a room and it doesn’t make them any less of a virgin. A virgin can be an expert pole dancer who can twerk better than the girls in rap music videos and it doesn’t make him/her any less of a virgin.

VIRGINS. DON’T. ACT. A. CERTAIN. WAY.

Court dismissed. Bring in the dancing lobsters.

Demi’s Downfall

Demi tried to pull a Corinne (go to The Bachelor’s room in attempt to further her stance on the show under the presumption of sexual favors.) Here’s where she went wrong: her Bachelor isn’t Nick “wasn’t genuine for a single second” Viall.

Colton actually cares about finding love on the show. He knows he isn’t going to end up with Demi, so when she says she’s falling in love with him, he sends her home.

When you fake pour your heart out and still get sent home and now you look like a rejected loser.

Guys, sh*t’s real out here. Our main form of entertainment is gone. I can already tell producers are putting extra pressure on the remaining girls left to bring the cattiness— and I’m not sure that I like it.

Rose Ceremony

Yep, there were two rose ceremonies this episode. Katie got sent home, so that adds up to five girls who left his episode.

Here’s who is gone: Onyeka, Nicole, Sydney, Katie, Demi.

Here’s who is left: Cassie, Hannah G., Hannah G., Caelynn, Tayshia, Kirpa and Heather.

And not only did Heather lose her kissing virginity, but she also got a new job title! She was promoted from “never been kissed” to “has been kissed.” I believe the new title come with benefits like “automatic entry onto Bachelor In Paradise.”

Elyse’s Weird Goodbye

This entire scene was so edited that it was hard to figure out what was really going on. Elyse put on her most snatched face, curled her hair to the heavens and put on a dress that the internet says is actually a wedding gown; Clearly she meant business, whatever she came to do.

If anyone doesn’t know what a “franken edit” is on the show, it’s when scenes get chopped up so badly that it is very clear that sound bites are being taken out of context. That was pretty much this entire encounter between Elyse and Colton. It felt like a poorly edited and poorly acted Soap Opera.

“I— I can’t do it.” -Elyse, and also me with taking this scene seriously.

The show was making it seem like she couldn’t bear to share Colton with anyone else, and that it was too hard for her to see him with other women (wait, sorry, I meant girls. The median age here is 23).

But we all know that’s not the truth. Elyse just wasn’t that into Colton and wanted to go home. I don’t know much, but I know that’s for sure. Another thing I know for sure: I thought Elyse had Bachelorette potential, but she went home too early for that. But it’s fine. I still want Danielle Maltby to be Bachelorette anyway.

Jungle Joe and Hannah Beast

I don’t care about this “Survivor”-esque group date. I do, however, care about Jungle Joe, who was raised in the jungles of Thailand and now teaches tourists how to “survive” out here. Survive is in quotations because even with the knowledge, suburban and city folk are most likely bound to die in the jungle anyway.

But I do expect one person to survive: Hannah B. Or as she says, “Hannah Beast.” 

Roar

Hannah swallowed a jungle bug whole. I call that bad bitch energy. Colton, who claims he wants an adventurous and spontaneous woman, did the “sword swallow” trick and pretended to eat the worm, when in fact he threw it to the ground. Hmm...

During the cocktail portion of the group date, Onyeka wanted camera time so she started beef with Nicole. I don’t care enough to talk about it. They’re both irrelevant.

Hannah B. got the group date rose because she swallowed a bug and then said she was falling in love with him. Tough and emotional. Get you a girl who can do both.

Colton And Cassie Get Horizontal

“On a scale of one to hot, Colton is....hot.” -Cassie

Colton and Cassie took a boat to their own private “island,” which honestly made the Frye Festival island look like a resort, but they didn’t seem to care. 

As you can see, they were a bit preoccupied:

Oh, and at one point Cassie spoke to Colton about her not being a virgin, because she didn’t want to be judged for it. Um, ok. 

Anyway, here’s the rest of the date:

Rose Ceremony

We saw a lot of Nicole/Onyeka drama with all that “wrong reasons” bs. Even Colton didn’t want to hear about it. Sadly, the drama took up so much airtime that we didn’t get a rose ceremony and didn’t get to find out why Kirpa had a friggen bandaid on her chin.

ABC claims she “fell on rocks” while “taking a selfie” but we all know contestants aren’t allowed to be near phones. So what is the truth?

Me after not getting a rose ceremony:

Yo-Ho-Ho And A Group Date Rose

In case you didn’t watch the episode and didn’t get the extremely clever reference in the above headline, the first date this episode was a live action role play (LARP) Pirate edition group date. It kind of reminded me of Medieval Times.

Don’t forget to warm up. Or in Colton’s case, practically lose your virginity stretching out a very flexible NBA dancer:

Production was able to choose two girls who were the “best” pirates, who then got to compete against one another to rescue Colton. Cougar Tracey, who most likely has weak bones, and Caelynn, who jumped off the beam instead of fighting her much stronger rival Hannah B., was also chosen. Sounds like a setup but ok. 

Caelynn obviously beat cougar Tracey and went on to rescue Colton, who was tied up on a high pillar. They awkwardly kissed. Demi threw a turkey leg onto the stage.

Colton was very into his performance. Dare I say, it was kinda hot?

During the cocktail hour portion of the date, Katie and Colton bonded over how much they both like food, which is like, so weird. Who knew that one day, in this world filled with 8 billion people, they would find another person who likes food! They are so lucky to have found each other. They truly are kindred spirits.

On the count of three, name your favorite food. One, two, three:

Hannah B., egged on by never-been-kissed girl (it’s the quiet ones you need to worry about), decided to tell Colton about her former friendship with Caelynn. 

She goes on to explain that rooming with Caelynn during Miss USA was “one of the most high stress environments” she’s even been in.

Hannah insists that her and Caelynn— two straight, white beauty queens from the south— are completely different people and Colton could not possibly like them both.

‘If [Caelynn] is what you want, then you don’t want me,” Hannah B. says.

Colton, who can only make decisions within his bubble of protection or else he explodes, does not like this ultimatum. Spoiler alert: He does not jump the fence this episode.

Colton talks to Caelynn about what Hannah B. said, and she starts crying. She emphasizes she “handles competition” differently than Hannah does and says she “gets quiet,” when stressed. I don’t know about you but that seems like code for “I’m a giant bitch.”

Caelynn then starts crying and basically implies she isn’t ready to leave because she hasn’t had a 1-on-1 yet to tell her story.

Seems genuine.

Caelynn got the group date rose because Colton is attracted to girls who cry to get what they want.

Cougar Leader Elyse’s 1-on-1 Date

Hot take: Elyse is not into Colton whatsoever. She’s just getting a good edit and will go far because she has Bachelorette potential.

Colton and Elyse took a helicopter to San Diego and arrived at an empty amusement park that they would enjoy all to themselves. 

Just kidding. They were joined by 18 children they had to babysit for the rest of the day. How romantic.

The worst part was Elyse and Colton had to act like they enjoyed spending the day with a bunch of annoying kids. Elyse deserved better.

We learn why Elyse got this 1-on-1 during the dinner portion of the date. Elyse’s sister was diagnosed with cancer while she was pregnant. She decided not to seek treatment and gave birth to her baby. Later, (the timing is unclear) she passed away from her illness. Elyse’s sister was a nurse, and her co-workers created a charity in her name called Sarah’s Closet. 

I truly don’t know how Elyse got through telling that story without shedding a single tear.

Colton gave Elyse the date rose, obviously. She’s the America’s Sweetheart of the season. 

The Other Group Date

Despite Terry Crews and his wife hosting this group date, I remember very few details about it.

Terry Crews’ biceps are overdeveloped. There, I said it.

Nicole can’t do a pull up. 

Catherine is like a black belt in karate or something.

Onyeka won the competition.

Colton sent home Caitlyn the Canadian because she couldn’t say one interesting about herself if her life depended on it. “I like going out with my friends” is not a personality trait.

I have no recollection of who got the group date rose.

Pool Party

I don’t know about you, but replacing a rose ceremony with a pool party is always a great idea, mostly because something always goes wrong. every. singe. time.

This pool party was ruined— or to some, made better— by the Beauty Queen drama. Hannah B. continued to insist that Colton needed to choose between the two. Meanwhile, Caelynn is making sure everything plays out in her favor by crying and using her Miss First Runner Up charm. Sadly, I think Caelynn, who may be in the wrong in real life, is getting the favorable edit on the show. In case it wasn’t obvious, I’m Team Hannah B.

“There’s a beautiful monster inside of me,” —Hannah B

Once again, when presented a choice that isn’t within his control, Colton freaked out. He hid in the production room, forcing Chris Harrison to wake up from his nap to find out what’s going on, and didn’t talk to any of the other women at the pool party, instilling fear of the unknown within them all for the Rose Ceremony later that night.

Rose Ceremony

I regret to announce that my Aussie fav Bri went home. But it’s fine. We’ll be fine. She’s obviously going to be on Bachelor In Paradise. I hope she’s sassy as hell at the Women Tell All. Until then, I’ll just continue to follow her on Instagram.

Night one villain Catherine was also sent home. So, who will be our villain? Do we even have one? I guess it’s Demi.

Up Next: Singapore

Typically the first two travel locations are domestic, then the girls go to a nearby international location. But not this year. ABC apparently got a new budget and they’re ready to spend it faster than Lamar Odom in a Las Vegas whore house.

I think it’s great there’s cool dates, a lot of celebrity guests and more international travel than previous years, but at what cost? Why are we trying to mimic Juan Pablo’s season? We all know how that turned out.

What’s worse than a budget heavy season with Juan Pablo? The season that followed: Chris Soules. And nobody in their right might wants a repeat of his season. Firstly, the guy literally killed someone. Secondly, the show spent six weeks touring the Dust Bowl of the United States, which is an LA content creator’s worst nightmare.