“How much longer is this episode?” Austin leans in to your hair, kissing the top of your head.

“BABE!” You playfully smack his cheek. “It’s showing Blake’s hometown date and you have to shut up!” The tone in your voice is serious, as you lean forward on the couch with head in your hands, elbows resting on your knees.

Austin shakes his head at you, while he looks down at his phone to open up Instagram. He swipes to the right, opening up the camera feature and scrolling until he finds live and presses the record button. The camera is focused on you and how into your show you are.

“Hey babe?” Austin quietly asks, big smile on his face.

“I love you but I need you to shut up.” You reply, still watching the television. “MY HEART! Blake is so fucking adorable.” An enormous smile appears on your face when a contestant is on the screen. You lean back and hold your heart as you fantasize over Blake.”

He turns the camera toward him and whispers, “I wish she’d be this excited to see me.”

“Oh my god Austin.” You grab a throw pillow and throw it at him. Your gaze never leaving the TV.

He sits there and giggles, watching the fans comment about you watching the show and how he’s a dork for recording you.

“Commercial break. Babe what is going on you have to talk that much?” You look over at him and see he’s cracking up while recording you. “Austin Dale Porter! You are so fucking dead!” You laugh and jump on him, reaching for the phone to turn off the live video. “I hate you for recording this!” you shout, half serious and half bursting with laughter.

“But you love me though,” Austin gushes. “Tell me you love me and I’ll turn it off babe.”

“I love you. Happy now?” Getting off your boyfriend, you go back to the TV to watch the show. “She has to pick Blake or I’ll like die!”

Austin turns the live video off and puts his phone down. “Should I be worried you’ll leave me for Blake if he doesn’t get picked?”

“Never ever honey. You’re stuck with me.” Winking at him, you plant a kiss on his lips and smile. “You have to try harder than that to get rid of me.”

The only endearing part of this date was Caelynn’s dad, John. Caelynn’s birth dad has never been in her life and John essentially became her dad at age four. Bless this man. 

Seeing John love Caelynn like his own daughter just really warmed my heart, and showed that there’s some men out there with pure souls....I mean there’s not a lot of them....but John proves that *SOME* exist.

After meeting her parents, Caelynn revealed to Colton that she’s in love with him while simultaneously checking off one item on her “How to become The Bachelorette” checklist. 

Things seem to be going perfectly to plan for Caelynn. Well, except for cursing like a pirate and calling Tayshia a “stupid b*tch” last episode. But Miss America First Runner Up doesn’t give up that quickly.

Birmingham, Alabama

“We’re in Birmingham, Alabama right now and I’m freaking out” - Hannah B.

Me too, Hannah. I’m not even literally there, but I’m still scared to see what the “South is all about.” Colton seemed concerned too.  

Hannah took him to an “etiquette class” where he learned how to walk with a book balancing on his head and how to properly eat a roll.

As Colton attempted to eat the roll, the etiquette women stopped him with a “Bless your heart,” which in the south means “You f*cking moron, what are you doing?” In New York we say, “Are you deadass rich now?” (I don’t say this, but I imagine some do.)

The etiquette lady then showed Colton, and the world, how we’ve been eating rolls wrong our entire lives. Are you ready to be mind fcked?

How to eat a roll like a lady:

Tear off a teeny, tiny piece of bread

Butter the small piece and put it in your mouth

Repeat this process until there is no more bread

In theory, I feel like you would actually consume more butter this way, which isn’t good for a lady’s figure, but I digress.

Then we get to meet Hannah’s friends and family.

Hannah G. is 23 and and has four friends who are all married. If I were her, I’d move to Los Angeles too.

Upon meeting Hannah’s parents, I immediately realized I am obsessed with her mom. This woman never left the ‘90s and kind of looks like Allison Janney in “I, Tonya.” In short: she’s iconic.

Those glasses are fire. I’m getting a similar pair soon.

Hannah seemed very convinced that she is going to get engaged to Colton. All we’ve really seen from Hannah on this show is that she doesn’t talk much and likes to make out with The Bachelor. I don’t doubt that she’s ready to get married, though. She is from Alabama after all.

I really like Hannah G. She is gorgeous but seems like she doesn’t let that affect her personality (I feel like a big part of Cassie’s personality is her looks), and seems like she would be friends with anyone, not just beautiful Instagram models. She truly deserves the best. Is “the best” Colton. Um....not sure. But if she wants him, girl go ahead.

Somewhere In Southern California (pt. 1)

Similar to “What came first? The chicken or the egg?” Do you think Tayshia is a thrill seeker or is she just pretending to be one for the show?

I mean the only thing that can top her and Colton’s bungee jumping date in Singapore is to go skydiving. It only makes sense. So guess what? They went skydiving. 

Poor Colton. I don’t think he’s even a fan of heights.

Tayshia warned Colton several times that her father is very “protective” of her. And, well, I expected more as he did give his blessing (after first saying “no,” but then changing his mind.) He seemed almost too reasonable. I was hoping for someone a little angrier. Someone like Matt Randolph.....

Somewhere In Southern California (pt. 2)

I’ve definitely said this before, but Cassie is the biggest Cali girl to ever be in this franchise. She lives in Huntington Beach and I doin’t expect her to ever leave. What’s it like to have no desire to leave your hometown? Can’t relate.

Cassie kept her “Cali girl” theme and took Colton surfing. For a former professional athlete, he wasn’t very athletic out in the water. He was much more impressive as a bench warmer in the NFL.

Upon entering Cassie’s home, we were greeted with several high-pitch squeals by about six blonde medically-enhanced women related to Cassie. Cassie’s dad seemed annoyed by how handsy Colton was with his daughter, who attended the BIBLE INSTITUTE of Los Angeles. I still can’t believe Cassie is that religious.

“I don’t know him, but he seemed like a....guy” - Matt Randolph with the quote of the season.

So I think I’m obsessed with Cassie’s sister. I have a strong feeling that I’m not alone in this. She has an actor boyfriend and has done modeling/small acting roles in the past. She was very pretty on “Young Once,” but now she is just so gorgeous that it doesn’t seem human. Shout out to well-done botox and fillers.

Colton was very transparent about his feelings for Cassie, and she was like “lol idk fam,” essentially giving him ZERO validation.

Anyway, nobody thinks Cassie is ready for marriage.

Other girls: Cassie isn’t ready.

Cassie’s family: Cassie isn’t ready

Colton: Are you ready?

Cassie, knowing she’s not ready: I’m ready and I’m really offended that you would think I’m not!

This seems like it will end well!

Rose Ceremony

Something interesting happened here. After Colton gave the first two roses to Tayshia and Hannah G, just Cassie and Caelynn remained. Once Cassie got the last rose, Caelynn looked to her and said “get engaged.”

This chick really thought she was competing to win another beauty pageant. I know there are mixed opinions on Caelynn, but I’m here to say she is one of the fakest contestants in recently memory. Her crying on the Women Tell All was incredibly fake and was a last-ditch attempt to become The Bachelorette. But the gag is her beauty queen enemy Hannah B. is now Bachelorette. And that folks, is how I know karma is real.

All I gotta say is Real eyes* realize Real lies**.

*Bachelor producers