#chris harrison

The charity event they attended last night continued over into a charity golf tournament today. Jared and Dave both played!

So cool! I’m impressed that Jared’s willing to golf for the kids even when it’s something he’s self-admittedly not very good at playing.

How Clayton continues to look episode after episode still giving Shanae a rose.

Here’s What Happened Tuesday

With great power comes great responsibility. But if responsibility isn’t your thing, try splitting your boyfriends into teams and forcing them to do nude sports on television.

Let’s dive in.

The First Group Date

Clare loves any date that can both challenge the men and educate them on early 1990s Christian marriage counseling concepts. And thus, the Love Languages date proceeds as follows:

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION: The men recite mushy speeches to Clare, who beams atop a fake Veronian balcony like the polygamist Juliet to her harem of Romeos.

GIFTS: Without any prior notice, the men must give to Clare whatever they can find in their suitcases that doesn’t smell like ass, including Ben’s shirt which surely smells like ass.

PHYSICAL TOUCH: Instead of fully fornicating on the floor, what we had to watch was worse: fully-clothed blindfolded groping, unsolicited tickling, and extensive neck sniffing.

QUALITY TIME: Quality time is a relative concept, since sometimes time feels less like quality and more like a root canal. Thus is the atmosphere after Clare berates the men for not immediately volunteering to spend time with her, when obviously they wanted to spend some quality time with the open bar first. 

ACTS OF SERVICE: The fifth and final Love Language was callously ignored on the show, but I still included here for education’s sake. My act of service to you, Bachelor Nation.

Riley gets the rose.

Jason’s One-On-One

A nightmare first date scenario for any two strangers: Clare unleashes all her insecurities on Jason under the guise of healing and expects Jason to reciprocate cold. When asked if he would prefer to heal via a primal scream or a deep breathing exercise, Jason wisely chooses the primal scream.

Next, the two find notebooks and write down the years’ worth of trauma and neuroses that have put their therapists’ children through college. When Jason reads his list aloud, Clare’s eyes light up.

“Is there darkness?” she asks, softly salivating. “Is there darkness inside you?” Jason weeps in affirmation. “Yes. But I don’t wake up in the morning and want to be a player.”

Later, Clare symbolically tosses her Juan Pablo dress in the bonfire while wildfires ravage the state of California around them for reasons equally as stupid.

The Second Group Date

The second group date is a game of strip dodgeball, wherein a lost point correlates to a lost article of clothing. Each man silently reflects that he would rather have his testicles chafed by a Bachelor-issued banana hammock any day over having to go through Jason’s journaling-and-screaming date.

The losing team must return home to the hotel in with their buttcheeks to the breeze, which does not sit well with Beard Blake. He finds pants and crashes the winning team’s booze date with Clare, infuriating the winning team who admonishes him for not training his whole life for reality tv dodgeball like the rest of them.

Next, Brandon commits the cardinal sin of The Bachelorette: admitting that he did not watch Clare on Juan Pablo’s season. Brandon is executed by Chris Harrison on the spot.

The Rose Ceremony

Yosef plans to confront Clare at the Rose Ceremony over the egregious exploitation of strip dodgeball – on a show, I will remind you, that has at least one tits-out mud-wrestling date per season when the roles are reversed.

But first, Clare must pull Beard Blake out of the group, take him to a remote corner of the resort, confront him about stepping out of line, and then give him a rose all in the name of not wanting him to worry.

Lastly, because she does not seem to understand the concept of a Rose Ceremony, Clare brings Dale around back and invites him to stick his tongue down her throat for as long as she sees fit.

Thus concludes the preamble to the Rose Ceremony, which is in and of itself an abbreviated Rose Ceremony and one dry humping session.

Until next week.