the happyness project

Not blaming the environment that I come from, but I do believe that after a point, it did become very "low effort" in it's maintenance of necessary disciplines. I have plenty of examples, all of which are moot.

The important thing here is that this same effort has been and is now, errandly part of my approach to life. The sick thing is that I actually get it.

This shit is hard. Consistency is hard to maintain and manage, especially by yourself.

In the Courage to be Disliked, many perspectives of social relations are provided that differ from those that exist in the real world. The framework that it provides is considerate, not seeking the path of least resistance, but that which holistically makes the most sense based on our social system.

I'm about 4/5 at the moment, and there's a reference to the idea of praise v. rebuke; as a dynamic, it's most present in familial, parent-child relationships. I can see that as being valid, as I can go further to understand it being correlative from there to almost every other relationship that we have. It all stems from the home.

And my home would've qualified, like many others, as giving "low effort" in its attempt to imbue me with a proper discipline to be responsible enough to live my life with enough confluence to experience and attain some sort of affluence. There was no praise and there was no rebuke, just vagueities.

And here I am, like CantGetRight, still stumbling through. Sustained until now on that same diet of nothingness. I have to make it for myself, even when discouraged, even when I know that I only see a mirage, I have to fight myself. Day in and day out.

Me v. Me, and I'm fighting at a handicap.

Spoken from only her purview, long and encompassing as it was, the sentiment has gained even more depth over time.

The journey that I'm on has seemed blessed, possibly predestined. Call me a mystic, however my reality thus far has made me a believer to the fact that I am supported by forces both "earthly" and those that are not.

My experience has been uncanny, and continues to be, even to my own ignorance of the facts. Many have said, "I'm not supposed to be here", I unrightfully say the same.

Despite the circumstances of my time here, still I stand. Poised, potent and able. I process the ideas of the world in three phases: acknowledgment, understanding and acceptance, that's my method. I seek to process each idea that I come across in a way that helps me to keep my stride in life.

Lately, this hasn't been easy. I'm understanding more of why that is, my experience, my community, my choices, as well as those that were not my own, but still impacted me, whether they occurred decades in the past or will some days into the future.

Luckily, I've come across the remnants of enough information that I feel is truthful and pertinent to constitute a Theory of Being, just for me. Unfortunately, other than the curiosity to pursue it, it is not something that has been or will be inherited. Much of the influence that I received in my first chapters was without much intent but to survive.

Every person should have one, and I believe that it may be the sinister aim of a hateful few for them to not have one. We are computers, this theory is your programming. Every decision, desire, function and more driven by the pursuit of this theory. That is the aim of life, not survival.

Some of this information has come in the form of discussions, some that I've participated in, others that I've been a silent student to, art and the interpretations of it. Most of it however, has thankfully come from reading, much more salient in its communication, the good ol' black and white.

To face the emotional abandonment issues that led me to an unconscious, codependent, dysthymic existence, Lindsey Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Truly a read for anyone subjected to childhood in the Western world. It serves as an aide in guiding you to a window filtered by grace with which you can view your own past. Perspectives from multiple angles, intended to provide illumination on what is "normative" and what is not concerning the parent-child relation when it comes to priorities in that regard.

In truth, it's helped with more than just that bond. As I mentioned, I believe that this may be an inherrently Western affect, having metastisized and became more malignant, enough to seed into almost, if not every, bond that even I have. Selfishness, whataboutme-ism, all borne from the same seed of (sometimes) well-intended, often haphazard leadings of the elders before us.

It contributes to the Theory, by making the "non-normativity" real to me. The acknowledgment of the context, understanding of the ways in which it applies to my life and acceptance of the fragments that I wish to proceed with helps me out of the cloud, further to consciousness. Perfection is relative to perception.

At the moment, I'm in the home stretch of Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga's The Courage to Be Disliked. Without accepting the fault of foundation before me, I wouldn't have been able to accept my trauma as anything more than the cause to my present and future effect. I would just be angry at the fact that I was lost without understanding how I was lost.

So far, this book has helped me begin to go back through that 'cause', to see it as more than just 'what happened'. Knowing the 'why's' helps for context, but this book does more to explore the 'what could that mean' of it, which I've never done. That helps understand where I've been, and how I got to be there, the rights and wrongs of that position, as well as with a new school of thought to pursue my future steps.

It helps me to explain my frustrations a bit better by processing them differently, from a different context. I'm learning the error of my ways, however honest, or inherrent, as they've led me back to the Ivory Tower.

Conversely, that context also provides inspiration to the spirit, feeding the fleeting ember. The more I read, and the more I uncover through reviewing my experience, my community and my choices, I feel more apt to handle each as an adult. Being able to first face myself truly, then facing the world.

With these, and other influences, the theory is able to take shape. I need more, and I have more, that is part of my stubborn sight that precludes me from progressing. I'm learning to let go of the disdain that I have for my elders, as I begrudgingly and sporadically accept the fact that again, I live a blessed life. From conception and beyond, I've been protected, guided and provided for by powers unknown and familiar.

It feels like 'coming to', even as I type this. All of the tools have been provided, even those that still await me.

I had a few thoughts today that could help me to move forward. I've been active in exercising, I believe that may contribute to the shifts in perspective.

Since the start of the year, I've given serious consideration to how I'd like to begin expressing myself. I've gotten past the barriers of concern for anyone else's perception, and what I might want it to look or feel like, to a place of asking myself for a concise idea of what to make; most importantly, what to start with.

I can't claim music to be an instrumental part of my life, but it does do a great deal in adding dimension to my living. From staring at my parents' albums for endless hours, I've picked my own pieces that I've identified with my own personality. With which, I will mischaracterize one of my chosen few as an album, strictly for the purposes of generalization.

There are 3 specific albums that I count as special for me, all released in the same year. 2017 wasn't a very pivotal year for me, I had a share of experiences, some of which has faded from memory, some that still resonate. The only thing that I'd say separated it for me was the amount of solitude that I had.

Those albums were on repeat, washing over me on a daily basis. I even made a playlist that had every song from each album on it. I made this the soundtrack to my solitude. They helped me to see it as such instead of loneliness or being alone. Thank God for art.

I feel very deeply for each, they evoke a certain electricity within me everytime I hear them. Each artist, a poet, very skilled at not just linguistics but in figurative expression. Each artist, a revolutionary, poignant in their messaging for the plight of Black people, and people the world over. Each album, an assertion of the artists' growth as people, painting as best they can as they go.

Those are my same aspirations, even today in 2026.

With that, my goal is to explore 'why?' The artists themselves have released a number of projects since then, but still I hold on to their words from almost a decade ago. What is it about these projects that stands out for me? What stories are told, what's the message? Does they grow or change as artists from beginning to end? What makes it worth it for me?

This steers me back to essays, a la academia. I never hated the work itself, I just hated to do it. I enjoyed expressing myself, my will to do so for a gold star diminished my will to do so at all. But, that's the project.

By now I've figured that I'm no different than most people living when it comes to a share of challenging circumstances.

What separates me however, is that, I am me. And, if I'm being quite honest, I haven't been very good at being that lately.

I fear that the addage "I Am Because We Are" hasn't been much of a slogan for much of my world. As a result, I don't know myself to be very much at all.

Now, this is for many reasons, as they've accumulated over the years, but if I theroize what I believe to be the turning point in my life, where the accumulation began, it'd be right after october '04.

My brother is proving to be valuable to me in helping to understand who I am from a separate scope. Today, in a come to God conversation, he reminded me of the abandonment and separation (a + s) that began to be the norm as time passed. His perspective helped me to understand that my father is not solely to blame when I consider that a + s.

I struggle with giving myself grace. To void any misunderstanding, I will make an excuse, however, when it's come to the necessary focus, understanding and acceptance to nurture an insecurity, I've failed to commit to it.

In essence, I've abandoned myself in those moments and done what I could to separate myself from those doubts that I've maintained about my living.

Irresponsible.

Selective Consciousness.

Through him, I was able to understand the a + s moreso pathologically.

Giving myself grace; I was 10 years old, my mother passed, my immediate family fragmented, my brother left, my father remarried, my sister left-- and there I stood.

The wake that I've left has no true cogency; I don't believe that it's due to me necessarily having the wrong precepts or programming, but instead to the adjustments that I began to make from standing at the center of that separation.

Putting things together for myself was a matter of survival. Even with examples of elders around me, there were none that could help me with that cogency; they were doing the best that they could, or knew how to, or wanted to.

In doing so, I became malnourished. Not just in my diet, but my desire to consume life. The predications of expectations for life became more and more entrenched in not as much survival as saving face.

Socially, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually doing what I could to maintain an idea of what was expected of me to diffuse family pressures and stay out of the way. In lay, being nice, docile, and quiet, doing enough to pull my own weight so that no one notices the squeaky wheel, all to 18.

As if I didn't have needs.

From the time that everyone went their own way, I've had needs.

I've denied myself in response to being denied by my family.

So in returning to the addage, I ask, how can I be anything if We are non-existent?

21 years of moving through space- in real Adult time- building a life off of the lessons of a malnourished adolescent.

With this understanding, I want to pursue solutions, instead of stopping at the problem.

I want to deconstruct the addage and examine it.

Why are We not (or no longer)?

How can I work toward achieving true cogency in my living?

Can that give me the resolve to firmly say, without fret, that simply "I Am"?

Thankfully, even in my dysthmia, I've proven myself capable of accomplishing great things borne from my ideas, admittedly most time in part. I'll view that with some grace to say that these things serve as evidence that I'm capable of doing them, and what "I" must do is prove that "I" am cogent enough to be consistent in their upkeep and development.

And maybe, that will lead me to or be what's right.

The first 36 have been played with a concerted and unconscientious effort.

I'm not down by any means. However, in order to do the most in determining these last 12, that effort must be fit for the end game; to close it all out.

I understand the stage, I understand the players, I understand their wants as well as their needs. What's most important is the way in which I assert my self as the clock ticks. The way that this war will be won will be through me. I accept the responsibility. A service tied to purpose that's greater than any of us, meant to serve many more than just us.

I've got the script.

I've got the act.

I've done some work for the day, and I've made plans for the rest of it.

I'm just an organism, doing what organisms do. Fighting an infection. Purifying myself, so that I may exist as I was intended to.

The infection is growing, and will continue to grow, as that is what infections do. I want to change that. And it just so happens that an overthrow, or repudiation of my ways, along with the complete installation of new habits and attitudes, as well as the strict adherence to directive virtues is what I'm doing. Call it what ya want.