#32426

Spoken from only her purview, long and encompassing as it was, the sentiment has gained even more depth over time.

The journey that I'm on has seemed blessed, possibly predestined. Call me a mystic, however my reality thus far has made me a believer to the fact that I am supported by forces both "earthly" and those that are not.

My experience has been uncanny, and continues to be, even to my own ignorance of the facts. Many have said, "I'm not supposed to be here", I unrightfully say the same.

Despite the circumstances of my time here, still I stand. Poised, potent and able. I process the ideas of the world in three phases: acknowledgment, understanding and acceptance, that's my method. I seek to process each idea that I come across in a way that helps me to keep my stride in life.

Lately, this hasn't been easy. I'm understanding more of why that is, my experience, my community, my choices, as well as those that were not my own, but still impacted me, whether they occurred decades in the past or will some days into the future.

Luckily, I've come across the remnants of enough information that I feel is truthful and pertinent to constitute a Theory of Being, just for me. Unfortunately, other than the curiosity to pursue it, it is not something that has been or will be inherited. Much of the influence that I received in my first chapters was without much intent but to survive.

Every person should have one, and I believe that it may be the sinister aim of a hateful few for them to not have one. We are computers, this theory is your programming. Every decision, desire, function and more driven by the pursuit of this theory. That is the aim of life, not survival.

Some of this information has come in the form of discussions, some that I've participated in, others that I've been a silent student to, art and the interpretations of it. Most of it however, has thankfully come from reading, much more salient in its communication, the good ol' black and white.

To face the emotional abandonment issues that led me to an unconscious, codependent, dysthymic existence, Lindsey Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Truly a read for anyone subjected to childhood in the Western world. It serves as an aide in guiding you to a window filtered by grace with which you can view your own past. Perspectives from multiple angles, intended to provide illumination on what is "normative" and what is not concerning the parent-child relation when it comes to priorities in that regard.

In truth, it's helped with more than just that bond. As I mentioned, I believe that this may be an inherrently Western affect, having metastisized and became more malignant, enough to seed into almost, if not every, bond that even I have. Selfishness, whataboutme-ism, all borne from the same seed of (sometimes) well-intended, often haphazard leadings of the elders before us.

It contributes to the Theory, by making the "non-normativity" real to me. The acknowledgment of the context, understanding of the ways in which it applies to my life and acceptance of the fragments that I wish to proceed with helps me out of the cloud, further to consciousness. Perfection is relative to perception.

At the moment, I'm in the home stretch of Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga's The Courage to Be Disliked. Without accepting the fault of foundation before me, I wouldn't have been able to accept my trauma as anything more than the cause to my present and future effect. I would just be angry at the fact that I was lost without understanding how I was lost.

So far, this book has helped me begin to go back through that 'cause', to see it as more than just 'what happened'. Knowing the 'why's' helps for context, but this book does more to explore the 'what could that mean' of it, which I've never done. That helps understand where I've been, and how I got to be there, the rights and wrongs of that position, as well as with a new school of thought to pursue my future steps.

It helps me to explain my frustrations a bit better by processing them differently, from a different context. I'm learning the error of my ways, however honest, or inherrent, as they've led me back to the Ivory Tower.

Conversely, that context also provides inspiration to the spirit, feeding the fleeting ember. The more I read, and the more I uncover through reviewing my experience, my community and my choices, I feel more apt to handle each as an adult. Being able to first face myself truly, then facing the world.

With these, and other influences, the theory is able to take shape. I need more, and I have more, that is part of my stubborn sight that precludes me from progressing. I'm learning to let go of the disdain that I have for my elders, as I begrudgingly and sporadically accept the fact that again, I live a blessed life. From conception and beyond, I've been protected, guided and provided for by powers unknown and familiar.

It feels like 'coming to', even as I type this. All of the tools have been provided, even those that still await me.