Whenever I would ponder the question “if you could go back to any time and redo life, would you?” my answer for most of my life has been absolutely without a doubt yes. The opportunity for another chance to make my dreams a reality and improve life for my future were things that I would have given anything in the world for. Now as I wake up every morning in pain and blinded by a dense fog of despair, I realize something different about my answer. I would go back to a very short period in my life where nothing mattered and only happiness filled my heart. All of my greatest memories were then and something I’ve realized is that ever since, I’ve been desperately seeking that same feeling. I also know that I’ll never get there and the years since that time have only been getting worse and worse. That’s okay though. I want to go back and relive that time and when it is over, I want to finally realize that that’s all for me. And while the time since hasn’t been completely bad, none of it is worth it my eyes. None of it was really worth the suffering that has taken place. In that time I have learned that the world is beautiful even if my life isn’t. It will continue to be an amazing place and provide extraordinary lives for those that I love most. No one needs me to live to their fullest and I’d much rather just observe the happiness that blesses all of them. There will be hurt and more trials, but all their wounds will heal and the world will provide. So if I could go back to any time in my life and redo things, I would go back to a special time. One where I felt happiness and could realize the ultimate peace. And then I would have ended it, and let the world take its course. And even in death I would have continued to be with all of those that I love. I’m not sure where I’m going. I have an idea for where I hope I’m going. Nevertheless, as the days hurt worse they are providing me with a new found peace that help me embrace my eventual leaving this world. If there’s anything I could ask of those in my life, its to live out your dreams, make a life that makes you most happy, work hard and enjoy the fruits of your labor. You deserve it
