support your local crematorium

your condom breaks

you feel a lump on your breast

your friends are ignoring you

you’re stranded on an island 

you got rejected by a crush

you get into a car accident

you got stung by a bee/wasp

you got fired from your job

you’re in an earthquake

your tattoo gets infected

your house is on fire

you’re lost in the woods

you get arrested abroad

you get robbed

your partner cheated on you

you’re on a ship that’s sinking

you fall into ice

you’re stuck in an elevator

you hit a deer with your car

you have food poisoning

your pet passed away

you fall off of a horse

you or your friend has alcohol poisoning

you have toxic shock syndrome

Most important: Spend the money you have on a motel. Churches probably will not actually help and shelters can be dangerous or turn you away. At a motel you have free breakfast, access to running water, and a lockable place to sleep. Do not waste money on a gym membership like the popular version of this post says to do, YMCA memberships are like $40.

2. Contact family and friends. Now is not the time to worry about being a burden. Your survival and safety comes first and that is all that matters, anyone worth having in your life will agree.

3. Start a gofundme. Even if someone can’t offer you a place to stay, they might be willing to toss out $5 so you can eat today.

4. Libraries have free wifi. Apply to any and all jobs you can think of if you aren’t already working.

5. Any home is a good home. Even if it’s a dingy apartment in a bad neighborhood. If its cheap and you can afford it, snatch it up. 

6. Pancake mix and peanut butter are filling, cheap, and last a long time.

Andrew: can but hates it. Makes him feel desperate. Also the man of his dreams registered none of it and literally only responded to Andrew being a weirdo so clearly it's all a scam.

Dan: yes, but can't see it as more than an act for when you want to get into someone's pants. Makes life hell for Matt before they start dating. Makes life *very fun* once they do.

Allison: absolutely. Does not respect any man who falls for it.

Matt: learned from watching guys try to flirt with his mom and her boxing friends, so his tactics are somewhat...demographically skewed. Eats shit when trying to romance Dan.

Aaron: Contrary to what second-hand accounts may tell us, this man is oozing charisma. Med student jock who goes to therapy, it's the whole package. If he were nine inches taller he would be the main character.

Nicky: bagged a man with high school-level grasp of his language. Raised two teens on a bartender salary. The results speak for themselves.

Kevin: nope. This man is fake as hell, star factor is doing alllllll the heavy lifting here. Unless you're as obsessed with exy as he is, in which case you're liable to confuse his attention *on* you with attention *to* you. Many have fallen victim to this effect. There is no support group.

Seth: chernobyl-level "you could fix me" aura

Renee: you're not sure if she's flirting or just being nice. Your friends are no help. Her friends seem to have a monetary incentive in the answer and can't be trusted. Your best shot might literally be praying for mercy.