Welcome to Hell

He watches a highlight reel of Ilya celebrating with his line and realizes he's just going to have to accept it.

So one time he's pottering around the cottage, doing little chores that need done, and he starts singing 'Two Beavers are Better Than One' to himself. And Ilya overhears and is like ??? Surely not. Surely my sweet homosexual husband is not going around singing a song about not just pussy but pussies, plural.

But when he asks Shane about it, Shane has no idea what he's talking about.

"It's just a Robin Sparkles song. Like 'Let's Go to the Mall' or 'Sandcastles in the Sand'. They're just silly pop songs about nothing."

And Ilya is like "Okay maybe, but this one is definitely about pussy."

And it takes Ilya opening YouTube and making him listen to the song for Shane to finally be like 😨😨😨

And Shane immediately texts the family group chat like "Mom! Dad! How the fuck were you letting me sing the beaver song as a kid???"

And Yuna texts back like "Oh there was no 'letting'. We HATED you singing that song, remember?"

So one year for charity different pro athletes get asked to participate in a live game based on one of those “how well do you know your partner” games but instead it’s “how well do you know your rival” and participating means you get to raise money for a charity of your choice and obviously Shane and Ilya want to promote the Irina Project so they agree and go up against other current famous rivals from other sports

And Shane and Ilya discuss ahead of time that obviously they’ll have to just play things off as they usually do, light hearted chirps back and forth and what not, “winning” is just for the show and won’t impact how much money gets made for their charity so it doesn’t matter. Except then they get there and become overtaken by the need to Win and Be the Best and they are the best. So without needing to discuss changing the plan, as soon as the questions start they lock in and decide that actually they have to demolish everyone else

The other rivals are laughing and making jokes at the questions but Shane and Ilya are deadly serious and the host starts to get a little weirded out by the fact that they actually know the answers and aren’t just saying things like “how many goals last season? Probably one less than me haha” and actually have each others stats memorized

Because the audience is loving it they go to a lightning round that’s just Shane and Ilya and it’s now the usual couple game questions and they’re still getting them right because they can make excuses for knowing later, right now is about Winning

“What is Shane’s favorite breakfast?”

“Kale protein shake with a scoop of peanut butter and a handful of blueberries.”

“Ok um, what is Ilya’s favorite breakfast?”

“Two sausage egg McMuffins with an extra slice of cheese and hashbrowns.”

“What is something on Shane’s bucket list?”

“Sleeping in one of those see through igloos under the northern lights.”

“What is something on Ilya’s bucket list?”

“That thing where you feed giraffes at a zoo.”

“Ok last one. I think we all know Shane’s answer is former paramour Rose Landry, but who do you think is the most famous person Rozanov has ever slept with is?”

*through teeth gritted so tight he is in danger of chipping one* “Probably a model. Or something.”

“… Yeah, let’s go with that.”

It’s 72° in this fucking place

A/C is supposed to be at 70

It’s 70 OUTSIDE

Me: “Yeah B’s daycare attendant was 45 minutes late because they’re supposed to get there at 6:30 so people can drop off at 7 and they’re not trying to do morning routines when the rush comes in at 7:30. So I called the owner and they came rushing down, but it still made me late today”

Coworker: yeah like were they expecting people to be late to work, just to wait to drop their kid off because [day care attendant] wanted to sleep in?

Me: wait wait, I need to clarify, B is a dog. This was a dog daycare.