g a s o l i n e

that’s pretty cheesy. but would be nice information to know. i kind of wanted to see your acting skills. c’mon now, show me the tears. 

it’s not cheesy. it’s important information. i’d also want to know who talked shit behind my back. gotta know who to stick by in the afterlife and all that. i’m a yale. obviously i’m not a great actress. fuck you, no. you don’t get to see me cry.

Two of the most important statistics, of course. I don’t know, do you consider stepping on ants and sucking dicks to be on the same level as donating to charity? And if so, do you do it often enough to consider yourself a good person?

Clearly. I mean, what else would you even need to know when you die? Listen, some of the dicks I sucked definitely should be considered donating to charity. And probably, yeah. I like to consider sucking any guys dick a noble cause, honestly. The ants probably aren’t a good thing. They probably have their whole lives ahead of them.

Well if you’re dead I would hope you wouldn’t have to pay for anything! 

Well, what if you do? Like a down payment on death. Just to know what you did, of course.

Wow, okay, I’ve definitely stepped on more ants then. Hm, how many orgasms I’ve had, how many smiles I’ve caused, how many drinks I’ve had,  how many strangers’ photographs I’m in… there’s a lot.

That’s what I figured. Unless you’re getting really busy every night, I feel like thousands of dicks sucked is a bit rash. Guess those are all good ones. I think I just want to know all the pointless information I can when I die. 

True, otherwise it’d probably also count if you stepped on the same ant twice. So different ants, different dicks. I honestly have no idea how many ants a person steps on. If we can choose, though, I can think of a lot of things I’d rather know than that.

Alright then yeah, probably lower than I feel like the count is. According to Camden, it’s a lot. Like.. in the thousands. What would you want to know?

what other stats could there be? i wanna know how many times people have talked about me when i wasn’t in the conversation. i mean i just know it’s like a fact that we swallow at least five yearly in our sleep. don’t start crying though.

maybe how many people had a thing for you but never said anything or.. the amount of times you made someones day or something dumb like that. the fuck? i just said i would start crying. give me a minute, okay?

Specifically just those two, nothing else. ‘Cause that’s what Darwin said was pivotal to a species’ success, the number of ants they’ve stepped on and the amount of dicks they’ve sucked. I’m sure you killed it.

Did I say nothing else? Those were just the first two things that popped into my head. I’m sure I did too. My mom would be proud of me. She always told me the more ants I step on and the more dicks I suck, the better of a person I’ll be. Think she was right?