call the party ambulance

(216): I’m really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.

(702): I’m honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.

(760): Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country that has lower standards than us on a Friday night.

(415): *explodes into glitter*

(214): Blow job season was short but glorious.

regular posting will resume at some point

(850): HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.

(703): YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE ‘I TOLD YOU SO’ ON YOUR HEADSTONE

(518): you were drinking a pitcher of what you called “16 loko” and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was

(817): You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye, just walk away at that point

(269): I’m gonna send you a dick pic now just so you’re uncomfortable at work

(201): Okay, since we’re going to be living together and I’m obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.

(313): sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm

(801): I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.

(205): What’s the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?

(630): At some point the phrase “I’ve hit rock bottom” stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life