call the party ambulance

text submitted by @fuel-me-coffee

(773): This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.

(203): i asked her out. that’s so hot.

(647): The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.

(802): Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself “it’ll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night”

(314): For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many

(714): i’m not so sure everything we did last night was legal…

(561): You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.

(513): Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.

(386): I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?

(847): Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled “gentlemen, behold! Sex!”

(203): Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped…Kinda how I imagine our wedding…

(630): he didn’t stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.

(604): Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy

(250): Either im seeing the northern lights, someone is having a rave, or im on acid…Im most likely on acid

(309): Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.

(757): So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.