Teddybeard

The cabin door burst open, and Danielle Whitaker—Dani—launched out. She nearly knocked Rachel backwards off the deck, before wrapping her in her arms and lifting her toes a half inch off the porch in a massive hug. 

Rachel laughed and hugged right back just as hard. Well, nearly as hard: I swear Dani’s hand reached down and squeezed a handful of Rachel’s ass and then let it go just as quickly. But I might have imagined it. Rachel warned me Dani was ‘passionate.’ That she had a ‘small bubble.’ Was ‘extremely affectionate.’ And half a dozen other euphemisms to remind me they’d been a unit for a hot second years ago, and despite it not working out, the after effects of that chemistry might have lingered ‘in Dani’s mind.’

She carefully tiptoed around what might be lingering in her own mind.

Dani released her with a last big squeeze and a sigh and then turned her bright blue eyes on me. She was in her early thirties, like Rachel and me. Short black hair that looked simultaneously cute and low-maintenance. She was lean and fit, with freckled shoulders and a golden-brown tan that attested to a life spent enjoying the outdoors. 

I stuck out my hand. “Hey, Dani. I’m—” 

She wrapped me in a fierce hug that nearly squeezed the breath out of me. “It’s about time, man,” she said in my ear. “I was starting to think Rach made you up. Makes you sound too good to be true, you know.” She released me. 

I grinned in spite of myself. “Likewise. I’ve heard only great things.” 

She laughed a laugh that seemed too deep and bassy for her small frame. “I seriously fucking doubt that. Come on in, I’ll give you the grand tour.” 

The screen door creaked shut behind me. Inside, it was dim and warm. Dust motes drifted in beams of light slanting through thick glass and faded curtains with cowboys on them. The smell of pine planks, wood ash, and countless breakfasts of cast-iron-cooked bacon and pancakes coated everything. 

Dani had gotten the place through some friend-of-a-friend, and I gathered it was hard to secure a spot this close to the lake anymore without loads of cash, even just for a weekend. She’d started spreading her stuff already: chips, hot dogs, and pop tarts on the chipped-up formica table; a heavy-duty sleeping bag on the severely bowed foldout couch; a beach umbrella propped in one corner. 

“You lovebirds are in the bedroom,” she said, pointing to the single door at the back of the cabin. 

“You should get the bedroom,” Rachel said. “You lined this place up and all. We wouldn’t mind the couch.” 

Dani snorted. “Always were a lousy liar.” She grinned. “‘Preciate the effort though.”

Rachel smiled, then tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. It was a fluttery little gesture I’d seen her do maybe a dozen times, always when she was nervous or trying not to look too eager. Dani’s eyes lingered on her a half-second too long before she turned away, like she was still calibrating whatever this new version of them was supposed to be.

I opened the door and peered inside. Small. Simple. With a patchwork quilt on the bed. “Where’s the bathroom?” I asked. 

“The outhouse is out back,” Dani said. “It’s, uh…interesting.”

“Dani and I can let you know what it’s like, if you’re curious,” Rach said. Dani burst out laughing.  

A flush of heat crawled up my neck. “I’ll get the bags.” I pushed through the screen door and out into the fresh air. 

Voices travelled through the doors, but I couldn’t make out words. Maybe I didn’t want to make out words. Was that more laughter? 

Rachel joined me a second later. “I’ll help you grab the bags.” She picked up the suitcase, mostly filled with my diapers, and stepped inside. I followed with the other two bags, making a beeline for the bedroom and very much ignoring Dani. 

I closed the bedroom door and flopped the bags on the bed. “Come on, hon. We talked about this. You didn’t have to be so…” I threw my hands in the air, at a loss for words. 

She cocked an eyebrow. “Open and honest? I told you, she’s the chillest person I know. When I told her, she—” 

“I know, I know,” I cut her off.

She cleared her throat and continued. “When I told her about your crinklepants, she said I’d always been a kinky bitch and then moved on to telling me about her camper van project.” 

I shook my head and started emptying my suitcase into the dresser. 

Rachel crossed the room and took my wrist in her hand. “That thing is full of mothballs and mouse shit, Dani said. And we’re only here for the weekend.” 

I paused and took a deep breath. 

“This is going to be okay,” Rachel said. “Better than okay. An amazing experience, and…” 

“And what?” 

“And a good first step towards opening up about all of this, you know? An easy trial run.” 

I sat down on the bed. “I know you’ve said that. I also know that my parents would probably call the asylum.” 

Rachel rolled her eyes. “This again? Are you soaked? Is that the problem? My baby boy getting a bit fussy because his bottom is damp?” She dropped her voice to a teasing whisper. “Or did you leave a stinky lil surprise in your pants for Mommy to find, huh?” 

I refused to respond to that. Or meet her gaze. 

She sat down on the bed next to me, the springs creaking beneath us. “Okay, but seriously. You know that’s not what I mean. We’re not going to tell everyone. We have chill friends. A good circle. Doesn’t have to be an announcement I’m just…” she ran her hands through her hair and stared at the wood-panelled ceiling. 

“Sick of pretending like our lifestyle is something to be ashamed of,” I finished for her. I’d heard the same refrain dozens of times. Usually after an argument. 

I felt her eyes drilling into the side of my head. I looked over at her reluctantly. “You know I wouldn’t tolerate this if you weren’t so goddamn amazing.” 

She smiled. “And hot as Bo Derek, too. Don’t forget that.” 

I rolled my eyes. 

“From the September 1981 edition of Playboy,” she said, and followed it up with the chef’s kiss. “1980 cover was just okay.” 

“If amazing doesn’t include ‘hot,’ I’m not sure what we’re talking about. Maybe you should—” 

She cut off my words with a kiss. Deep. Intense. And then she pulled back and stared into my eyes. “Try, for me?” 

“To be as hot as Bo Derek? Yeah, not gonna happen. I mean maybe if I…” I trailed off as she continued to stare at me earnestly. No laughing. Not even the hint of a smile. “I’m not ashamed. I just don't want everyone to know.” 

She leaned back and sighed. “Right. Okay. Well, let’s get you in a fresh diaper and back out there.” 

***

The stove was sizzling when we stepped out of the bedroom. 

Rachel and I hadn’t spoken much while she changed my diaper. We’d done that so many times that little communication was required, and she was clearly upset with me. I wasn’t in a place to make it better. People might think she was kinky for keeping me in diapers. Or maybe even a bit controlling, but in a hot way. Me? They’d think I was weird. Gross. A doormat…but a doormat that smelled bad and occasionally left damp spots on chairs. It wasn’t fair, but it was the way the world worked.

“You put the penis in, you put the penis out, you put the penis in and you shake it all about,” Dani was singing as she cooked up…something on the stove. She grinned over her shoulder. “I’m making hot dog grilled cheese. Appropriate, considering the—” 

“Jesus, Dani, not everything is about sex,” Rachel said. “I was just changing him into a fresh diaper.” 

I froze. Ground my teeth into a fine powder to lock in all of the things I wanted to say but shouldn’t. It was out there. She’d already said it. Nothing to do now but make it a bigger deal. And she’d already told Dani about our ‘special relationship’ weeks ago on the phone, I learned days after the fact. 

“Huh,” Dani said. She turned and stared at my crotch for a full five seconds. “So are they like, Depends or what?” 

“Oh, god no,” Rachel replied. “Much cuter than that. And far, far more functional. He could show you if he’d be a brave boy for me. Maybe put on a little fashion show?” 

“So hot dog grilled cheese, huh?” I asked, pointedly ignoring them. “Don’t think I’ve had that before.”

Dani turned around and flopped a monstrous sandwich, orange cheese oozing out of all sides, onto a plate. “Yup. And they’re done. Let’s dig in.” 

We settled in at the table. The sandwich looked dubious, but I wasn’t going to turn my nose up at food someone else had cooked for me. And Rachel was digging in like she was starving. She closed her eyes and moaned, an errant bit of cheese clinging to her chin. 

“Even better than you remembered it, huh?” Dani asked. A sly smile crept across her face. 

Rachel blushed. A specific kind of blush I knew. A blush I’d evoked a few times: randomly complimenting her tummy, which she was insecure about; offering to eat her out while she read the just-released book from her favorite romance author; surprising her with Grillo’s Pickles, which she always craved when she was on her period. It was the ‘you get me’ blush.

I cleared my throat. “Rachel and I have been looking at buying a cabin together. In Colorado Springs. Kind of reminds me of this place, actually. Crazy deal. My buddy will sell to us at cost.” 

Rachel was silent. 

“Right, Rach?” 

She nodded. “Yeah, great deal.” 

I bit back my annoyance and turned to Dani. “That’s where we met. Backpacking, actually. She was a lot more into, uh, crystals then, but I guess you knew that.” 

Dani nodded. “Cool. Yeah, she hasn’t mentioned the place to me.” 

I forced a smile. “Ah. Okay.” 

“But I remember the crystal phase,” Rachel said. She suddenly burst out laughing. “You remember that big honking one in the turquoise? You wore it around your neck on the leather strap?” 

Rachel groaned. 

“Dude totally had you convinced it had mystical powers or whatever. Would help you, harmonize with, uh…?” 

“Mother Gaia,” Rachel mumbled. 

Dani clapped. “That’s the one!” She turned to me. “Seems it was made of glass. We figured out when she dropped it, getting undressed to slip into a hot spring.” 

“Ah,” I said.

There wasn’t much more to say to that. The conversation drifted onwards. Dani’s new job. Rachel’s awful boss. Old memories. What’d happened to various friends, most of whom I didn’t know. 

***

A couple of hours later, we were all a few beers deep. The three of us sat on the couch. Rachel in the middle, of course. She shifted on the cushions, her thigh brushing against Dani’s. Neither of them moved away. Dani’s hand was still on the back of the couch, but her fingers had curled slightly, close enough to Rachel’s shoulder to count as almost touching. We’d folded up the bed, which made it a bit less awkward, but only a bit. Without a TV or even a fire to look at we all just sat side-by-side, twisting to talk to each other like a bunch of teenagers hanging out in their parent’s basement. 

Dani was on her tenth—twentieth?—story about some wacky adventure they’d had years ago. Some trip they’d taken together somewhere exotic that they could barely afford and somehow turned into something magical. Each time she’d start with a new tale, Rachel would sigh wistfully and stare off into the distance, and then I’d have to hear about some breathtaking vista or swoon-worthy bartender, always with the wink-wink nod-nod about what they did afterward in the tent or the hostel or back of the Jeep. 

“Grab us another round, baby bear?” Rachel asked just as Dani finished her latest tale. 

“Why don’t you grab the beers this time?” I snapped. The words came out harsher than I meant them to. 

Rachel raised an eyebrow at me. “You okay?” 

“Yeah. I’ve just gotten them the last two times. Seems like it’s your turn.” 

And don’t call me ‘baby bear.’ 

Dani started to stand up. “I can bring the cooler in here. That way we can—” 

Rachel put a hand on her leg. “It’s okay. I’ll get them.” She frowned at me and sauntered off into the kitchen. 

I turned to Dani. “Has she told you about our trip to Thailand?”

Dani shook her head. 

“It was amazing. Seven days just exploring beaches, eating some of the best food you can imagine…making love in the sand.” 

Dani nodded. “Sounds epic.” 

Rachel walked back in, three bottles of beer in her hands. “It was an amazing trip. Thailand is beautiful, of course. And it really deepened our relationship. That was the first time we—” 

I grabbed a bottle of beer from her hand, sloshing a bit onto my lap. “Yeah, it was a great trip.” 

Rachel gave me another frown, then settled onto the couch between us again. 

“First time what?” Dani asked. 

“Eating so much spicy food,” I answered. “There’s this one dish, Kua Kling, that made me break out in sweat just looking at it. I haven’t found it in the US yet.”

Rachel chuckled. “The first time we had that we spent the next day in the bathroom. Well, I spent the next day in the bathroom. This guy, on the other hand…” 

Dani laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind next time I’m in Thailand: pack diapers.” 

“Goddammit, Rachel,” I hissed. “She doesn’t want to hear about all that stuff.” 

“Doesn’t bother me,” Dani said. She shrugged. “Seems like you two found something that works for you, and that’s all that matters.”

“See?” Rachel said. “You don’t need to be ashamed.” 

“I’m not ashamed,” I said. “I just don’t want to, you know, flaunt it in front of everyone.” 

“Dani’s not ‘everyone,’” Rachel said. She shook her head. “Why don’t we go get ready for bed. We’ll be back in a minute, Dani.” She stood up and crossed her arms, clearly waiting for me. 

I thought about telling her I was fine where I was for half a second, but thought better of it. I followed her into the bedroom, closing the door behind us. 

Chapter 2

Rachel squeezed my diaper through my jeans, compressing the damp padding around my bits. 

A little moan escaped my lips. 

“That’s what I thought. Soaked.” She pulled a diaper from the bag: a Wallaby Waddler. They were the thickest diapers we had, had the crinkliest plastic, and featured cartoonish Australian animals on the front and back.  

“Don’t you have a Simply Secure?” I asked. 

She pointed at the bed. 

I sighed and dropped onto my back on the bed, shimmying out of my pants.  

She fluffed out the diaper, needing the padding and plastic between her fingers. “I didn’t bring any Simply Secure. We’re on vacation. Now’s the time to be fun and frivolous and cute.” 

“Under my pants? Pretty sure it doesn’t matter.” 

She paused, hovering over me. “We’re in the middle of nowhere. On vacation. You’re not going to wear pants the whole time. Come on, Miles. Relax. Enjoy yourself. And let me do the same. I promise, you’ll get over your stage fright soon. And I know Dani will think your little tooshie is cute.” 

I imagined Dani seeing me in a diaper and bursting out in laughter. That’d really send Rachel back into her arms. Knowing your ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend wore diapers was one thing. Seeing him actually waddling around in them was another. 

Rachel bent over the bed and rested her hand on the front of my wet diaper. She squeezed gently. Rhythmically. Her eyes locked onto mine. Her breath smelled faintly of alcohol. “Fine. Don’t do it because it’ll be fun for you. Do it for me. Because I like seeing my baby bear being himself.” 

“I’m not…” I took a deep breath, bringing my attention away from the building excitement in my pants and back to the conversation. “I’m not just your baby bear. I’m a man, too.” 

Rachel sighed and yanked off the first tape.

Scrick! 

“Right. Okay, Miles.” 

Scrick! 

“I just think we should be discreet. Not shove it in Dani’s face,” I said. 

Scrick! 

“Yeah. You said that. A dozen times. And I told you she’s somewhere between ‘it’s adorable’ and ‘I don’t care.’ And I’ve said that I do care. That’d make me happy to see you come out of the diaper closet.” 

Scrick! 

“But apparently, everything goes out the window and you’re in charge when another woman is around.” 

“It’s not…Rachel, that’s what I…” I sighed. 

She pulled down the front of the diaper and wiped me down. She slowed down, the wipe lingering on my half-hard dick. “You know, when I first put you in diapers, I was somewhere between ‘he looks adorable’ and ‘I don’t care.’” 

“What?” I sat up just enough to look at her face. To see if she was saying what I thought she was saying. 

She was focused on wiping me. “Then I learned how fun it was to have a subby, eager-to-please little diaperboy wrapped around my finger.” She twirled the wet wipe around my shaft as she said it, running it down my length. 

She dropped the wipe in the seat of the wet diaper and pulled it out from underneath me. Then she taped up the front of the diaper, locking me in inches of fluff and crinkly plastic. She pulled off her pants and shirt and changed into a threadbare old Muse t-shirt and gray sweat shorts. 

“What pajamas did you bring for me?” I asked. 

She laughed and shook her head. 

“What?” 

“Do you listen to yourself? I pack your clothes. Wipe your bottom. Change your diapers, but you still won’t admit I’m as much ‘mommy’ as I am your girlfriend.” 

I sat up. “That’s not true. I call you that all the time.” 

She tossed my pants into the suitcase and zipped it up. 

“You’re leaving?” I asked. 

“No, my vacation is just getting started. When you’re ready to join your mommy, in just your diaper, there’ll be a beer and cuddles waiting for you on the couch.”

She paused at the door, her hand on the knob. For a second, I thought she might turn back. Say something soft. But then she pulled the door open without a word. The sound of her bare feet on the cabin floor faded into the quiet of the cabin.

***

I listened to them laugh and talk for hours, my buzz slowly fading as theirs grew. At first, I heard, in hushed voices what sounded like the D word a couple of times, followed by laughter. I crept closer to the cracked door, getting as close as I could without exposing myself. 

They sat as close together as they had when there were three of us on the small couch. Thighs touching. Dani’s arm over the back of the couch, but not quite resting on Rachel’s shoulders. Perspiring beers clutched between their legs. Dani had changed, too, into a tank top and a pair of pink boy shorts. 

No way could I go out there and flop down on that couch, fat diaper crinkling and crackling. I dropped back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. She hadn’t even told Dani about the cabin in Colorado Springs, which meant she wasn’t even seriously considering it. 

I plucked my pacifier from the diaper bag and popped it between my lips, then slowly drifted off to sleep. 

***

When I woke again, it was dark in the room, but I could see movement next to the bed. 

The mattress creaked loudly as Rachel pulled back the blankets and crawled under the sheets next to me. 

“Hey, baby bear,” she said. Her voice was slightly slurred, and her breath smelled like beer. She squeezed my diaper, which I’d wet at some point. I barely noticed when I did anymore. “You never came out,” she said. 

No kidding. 

“Grab Holly,” Rachel said. 

“Are you…are you sure?” 

“Grab her.” 

I slid out of bed, fumbled around in the suitcase, and returned a moment later with Holly Harness—a silly nickname that’d stuck—and her veiny, semi-rigid companion, Percy. “Let me find the lube,” I said. 

“Put it on,” Rachel said. 

“What?” 

She grabbed my wrist and pulled me down on top of her. “Put Holly on and fuck me like you fuck your pampers.” 

I felt a flush of heat up my neck. 

“O-okay.” 

I slipped the harness on and cinched it down, squeezing the damp folds of the diaper against my skin. 

Rachel pulled her shorts off, then her panties. She tossed them to me, and they landed on my face. They were damp and smelled like her excitement. “I want you to breathe me in deep, diaperboy. Dream about what you could be sticking yourself in.” 

I inhaled deeply, savoring the scent of her, then positioned the head of the dildo between her legs. I hesitated. “Maybe I should get the vibrator first to—” 

She wrapped her legs around behind me, locked her ankles behind my back, and pulled the rubber cock into her with one swift motion. “Gooood,” she moaned. “God, that feels good.” 

“You’re wet.” 

She laughed hoarsely. “Bet I’m not the only one.” 

Was she referring to me or Dani? 

“Now fuck me, diaperboy. Hump your mommy.” 

I thrust into her. 

“Harder, baby bear. Fuck me like a real man.” 

I thrust harder this time, and she moaned a little. “Mmmmm, keep going.” 

I thrust again. And again. And again. My dick grew harder, but it was trapped in the wet padding. So close to her warm, wet pussy. But it might as well have been a mile away.

“Ohhhh,” she said loudly. “Your cock feels soooo big tonight, baby bear. Sooo big.”

I thrust into her again. And again. And again. Her hands reached out and grasped the headboard. “Don’t stop,” she gasped. “Don’t stop. Fuck me like you fuck your pamperpussy.”

I rammed into her again, hard as I could. 

She shouted out, legs squeezing and trembling against me. Then I felt all of the tension drain from her body, and she collapsed against the bed, chest heaving. 

I pulled off Holly and tossed it aside, then reached for my diaper tapes. 

“No,” Rachel said, voice ragged. “Not tonight, baby. Mommy is tired. Snuggle up next to me. We have a fun day ahead of us tomorrow.” 

I reluctantly settled into the crook of her arm, cheek pressed against her breast, as I throbbed in my diaper.

“Ah,” the man said. “The squat. I know that position well.” 

Lina sighed. “Indeed.” 

“Let me guess: you changed his diaper, what, an hour ago?” 

“I wish. Twenty minutes, tops. Right before we left home. And it was a messy one.” She shook her head. “How many times can one boy fill his pants in a day?”

The man smiled and extended a hand. His grip was firm but gentle. “Matt.” 

“Lina.”

“Nice to meet you, Lina.” He pointed. “That’s my girl over there. Ellie. Cute as a button, but she might give your little guy a run for his money in the stinky diaper department. I swear we can’t get through a week without a total blowout. On Tuesday, it was in the checkout line at Kroger.” 

Lina winced. “Yikes.”

“That’s what the cashier said.” Matt shrugged. “Comes with the territory, right?” 

“I guess it does. Seems like just yesterday I put Teddy back in diapers full-time. Those first few months were rough. He’d rip them off whenever I wasn’t home and use the toilet. Then he’d lie about it. As if I couldn’t see the fluff and beads all over the bathroom floor.”

“Not anymore, huh?”

She chuckled. “These days, I’m not even sure he knows he’s peed until I grab him for a change.” 

“Ellie was enamored with the idea of being my little forever-princess. She liked the cute stuff, at least. The clothes and the dolls. Pacifiers and storytime. And she loved not having to go to work anymore. The diapers were another story. But she’s adjusted.” 

Ellie rode one of the swings, pumping her legs slightly out of sync, blonde pigtails flipping back and forth. She kicked her white velcro sneakers out when she was partway through each arc, and then pulled them back in a half-second too late. 

“She’s adorable.” 

“She’s a handful, but I love her to bits.” 

They sat silently, watching their partners play in the warm afternoon sun. 

Ellie slid off the swing and walked over to the sandbox. She observed Teddy for a moment, then plopped down in the sand next to him and picked up a plastic shovel. She scooped a shovelful of sand and emptied it into the back of Teddy’s dump truck. He smiled at her. She smiled back. 

“Looks like Ellie might have made friends with your little guy,” Matt said. 

“Wouldn’t that be nice. I’ve been looking for a playmate for Teddy. We’ve been to a couple of get-togethers at the Bigs-N-Littles group on Market and Stuyvesant.”

Matt nodded. “We went once, too. Not really our vibe.” 

“Ours either. We met a boy and his mommy. They seemed nice. Until the biting.”

“The biting?” 

“No clue how it got started. Teddy still won’t talk about it. They were playing in the other room, then the next thing I knew, Teddy was screaming, blood running down his arm. I couldn’t believe it. They’re not actual toddlers, you know? And the worst part was, his mommy laughed it off, like it was no big deal.” 

“Baby boys will be baby boys?” Matt asked. 

“Pretty much. Teddy had the brat’s teeth marks on his wrist for two weeks.” 

“Some people,” Matt said, shaking his head.  

“You’d think with lifestyles like ours, there’d be some common values, right? Things all of us mommies and daddies just agree on without even having to talk about it.” 

“Like no biting.”

“Like no biting. Seems like a low bar when you say it out loud, doesn’t it? The vanilla world doesn’t get us. But sometimes, I don’t think I understand a lot of our people either.”

“I know what you mean.”  

They sat in silence, watching the two big babies play in the sand. 

Ellie wrinkled her nose and said something to Teddy that Lina couldn’t hear, but didn’t need to in order to guess the meaning. A moment later, she stood up and stomped over to the park bench. “He’s stinky!” 

Matt chuckled. “You sure that’s not you, darlin’?” He reached up and gave the sandy seat of her pink overalls a squeeze. 

She twisted away from him and glanced at Lina. “I use da potty.” 

“Sweetheart,” Matt said, “we’ve talked about this. Diapers are your potty. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Certainly not in front of Teddy’s mommy.” 

Teddy ambled over slowly. He stood a few feet back from the bench, eyeing the group suspiciously. Even the brisk, early-fall breeze and the scent of grilled onions and peppers drifting over from the hot dog stand across the square couldn’t cover the earthy stink of his freshly-loaded diaper. 

“Teddy, please come here,” Lina said, beckoning him closer with her finger.

He shook his head, his long, brown hair flopping around. “I’m playin.’”

“Teddy. Don’t make me ask you again.” 

He walked over with that awkward, bow-legged stance that Lina teasingly referred to as his ‘stinkypants shuffle.’ He scowled at her the whole way, as if his full diaper and subsequent embarrassment were her fault. At this distance, with his butt at eye level, the smell was overpowering. She glanced at Matt, wondering if she should apologize for the stench, then decided he must be used to these kinds of odors. 

“Smells like someone has stinky britches,” she said to Teddy. “Is that you, Sweet Pea?” 

“Just toots,” Teddy said with resolve.  

“It’s him, it’s him!” Ellie shouted, pointing. “He pooped his pants!” 

Teddy shot her a withering glare. 

Lina reached up and patted the sizeable lump in the back of his denim shorts. “Looks like someone left Mommy a big ol’ present in his diapie. Why don’t we go take care of that before you start leaking in your pants. Say goodbye to your little friend.” 

Teddy’s scowl deepened. “I don’t wanna. I’m playin’.”

Lina pulled his diaper bag onto the bench. Public bathroom changes were never fun, but at least Lil’ Park had a family restroom.  

“We should probably get going soon, too,” Matt said to Ellie.

“No! I wanna keep playin’ wif Teddy,” Ellie said. “We’re making a princess castle.” 

Matt and Lina exchanged a look. Matt shrugged. 

“You don’t care that Teddy is poopy?” Lina asked Ellie.

“I’m not poopy!” Teddy snapped. “I said it’s just toots.” 

“It’s okay, Teddy.” Ellie smiled at him reassuringly. “Sometimes I make stinky britches too.” 

Teddy’s cheeks blossomed into a vibrant shade of red, but he smiled hesitantly. 

“I suppose you can play for a few more minutes if it’s okay with Ellie’s daddy,” Lina said. “Matt?” 

Matt glanced at his watch. “Ballet doesn’t start until 6:00, so we can hang out a little longer if you two are having fun.” 

Ellie nodded her head vigorously.

“Alright,” Lina said. “Run along, then. Oh, and Teddy?” 

He stopped and turned around. 

“No backtalk when I have to change those smelly buns of yours, alright?”

“Okay!” he shouted over his shoulder as the two ran off toward the sandbox.

“Thanks for being flexible,” Lina said to Matt. “It’s nice to see him making friends. Especially ones that don’t care when he smells like that.” 

Matt smiled. It was a nice smile, Lina decided. Warm. Genuine. “Ellie doesn’t usually just click with people like this, either. Not everyone likes playing in the sandbox as much as she does.”

“Which is crazy, because sand castles are frickin’ awesome. Though mine were always for dragons and their heaps of treasure. No knights or princesses allowed.” 

“Want to build one now?” Matt asked. 

“A sand castle? Seriously?”

“Yeah, why not?” Matt’s sea-green eyes lingered on hers. “I bet it’s like riding a bike.” 

“You might be able to talk me into it. But only if I get the shovel. You can have the dump truck, I suppose.” 

“Deal,” Matt said. “But it’ll be a knight’s castle, no princesses and definitely no dragons.”

“Hhhhhmm. Maybe one big castle with two separate wings? One for the elegant, shimmering dragons and another for the boring old knights and their rusty armor.”

Matt rubbed his beard thoughtfully. “A compromise, eh?”

Lina shrugged. “Stranger things have happened than knights and dragons getting along.” 

An angry shout erupted from the sandbox, drawing her attention. Teddy stuck out his lip and kicked the dump truck away with his foot. Ellie looked at him in surprise, then down at the castle, which had collapsed into a pile of sand and a solitary, leaning turret. 

Lina sighed. “Here we go. Tantrum incoming.” 

Ellie stood up and yanked on Teddy’s arm. He looked as if he was going to resist, then shrugged and stood up, arms crossed in a childish pout. Ellie whispered something in his ear and then charged headlong towards the swing set. She dropped onto her belly on a swing, soaring with her hands extended forward like Superman. Teddy’s eyes grew wide, and a grin spread across his face. He ran after her and flopped down onto the swing next to hers. His legs flew too high and he nearly flopped forward off the swing, faceplanting in the sand. Then he corrected his balance and stretched out flat as she had, bellowing with laughter. 

“Or maybe not,” Lina said. “Huh.” 

Typically, this sort of thing would send Teddy into a spiral of pouting and fussing. Sometimes even name-calling. Once, during an epic fit at her mother’s house over Moose Tracks ice cream, Lina had nearly called the whole thing off. Told him they should return to how things were before. When he’d wipe his own ass and bring home a paycheck every two weeks. When a bad day meant an evening at Tio’s with Jeff and Luke. She’d loathed those evenings at the time. He’d stumble home reeking of stale sweat and tequila, expecting sex because it ‘helped him clear his head.’ She’d tolerate a few minutes of awkward groping and half-hearted thrusting followed by a couple of tepid spurts. Only the ear-splitting snoring that followed truly evoked a response from her body. But then that would be that. She’d put on her headphones, pour a steaming mug of yerba mate and forget all about Ted and his pissy attitude. The next day, all would be forgotten. 

That’s not how things were with Teddy. When Teddy was angry, or sad, or his tummy hurt, it was her problem until it was resolved. And on that particular day at her mother’s, it meant he was hucking Hot Wheels at the living room wall, screaming for more ice cream, while she gulped a glass of wine in the kitchen and tried to collect her thoughts. 

Then, in the middle of his epic ice cream shit-fit, he’d kicked the couch leg. At least, that’s what she pieced together later. He kicked it hard enough she heard the crack from the kitchen. He started crying. Wailing, really. A gasping, red-in-the-face howl that set off car alarms and made dogs bark three blocks away. When she rushed into the room, he’d looked up at her, eyes full of tears. All anger vanished. He needed her. Needed her comfort. Her support. Her love. All her doubts and second-guessing melted away. She wrapped him in her arms, and all was forgotten. Or nearly forgotten: she’d still spanked his bottom bright red when they returned home, but he’d known he deserved it and kept his complaints to a couple of yelps during the paddling and a lingering sniffle afterward. 

“I’m not sure what Ellie just did, but it seems like it worked,” Lina said. “Maybe she could teach me a thing or two about managing my boy’s moods.”

“You know, her ballet lessons have been a huge help,” Matt said. “It’s a mommy-and-me class with a bunch of other littles. Miss Kara stresses empathy and understanding. Turns out a lot of littles give up on manners along with their potty training. I’ve seen a big change in her behavior since we started going.” 

“Sounds fantastic.” Lina stared straight ahead and tried to keep her voice casual. “Does Ellie’s mommy enjoy the class too?” 

“No mommy,” Matt replied, his tone even. “It’s just me and the punkin’ these days.” 

Lina felt a surge of excitement at that answer, followed by an equally strong pang of guilt. Better than anyone, she knew how lonely this life could be. 

“Well. I’m sure you look stunning in a floofy tutu,” she said. 

“I do, in fact.” 

Lina turned toward him. “No way.” 

He was either telling the truth, or he had a killer poker face. Lina found herself hoping it was the former. The image of this handsome, confident man dancing around in a pink, glittery tutu made her smile. 

“What? You don’t think I can pull it off?” he asked.  

“Oh, I’m sure you could, I just don’t think you do. I might need to ask Ellie to confirm.”

“Go for it.” 

“I will,” she said. “You’re gonna be so embarrassed when she tells me what a big, fat liar her daddy is.” 

“Or…” Matt said.

“Or?”

“You don’t have to take my word for it. See for yourself.” 

“Nice try, but last I checked, those are Dockers you’re wearing, and I don’t think you’ve got a tutu hidden underneath them either.” 

He shook his head. “No hidden tutu. Join us at ballet tonight. Miss Kara takes walk-ins. First class is always free.”

Did he just ask her out? On a date? Couldn’t be. They’d just met. And most of their conversation had centered around dirty diapers and sand castles. “Thanks for the invite, but we need to get home and make dinner. Teddy skipped his nap today, so it’ll be an early bedtime.” 

“Ah,” Matt said. 

Was that disappointment in his voice? He didn’t employ any of the polite little lies you tell someone to let them off the hook easily. He just let the awkwardness hang in the air. 

Lina turned her attention back to Ellie and Teddy. Ellie had abandoned her Superman routine and was straddling one of the swings, rocking back and forth and shouting ‘giddyup!’ at the top of her lungs. One hand clutched the chain, the other whipped through the air. Teddy watched for a second, then started to climb onto the swing with her. 

“Wait!” Lina shouted. 

Too late. Teddy awkwardly lowered himself onto the swing with his new buddy, no doubt spreading and squishing the mess in his pants into something truly unholy. 

“And there’s your blowout for the week,” Matt said. 

Lina sighed. “No kidding. Looks like we’ll need to build in tubby time, too.” 

If Ellie minded the smell, or the extremely cramped quarters, it didn’t show. She threw her head back and laughed as they started to swing back and forth together. Teddy grinned and shouted ‘giddyup!’ whenever she did. 

“Sometimes I’m envious,” Matt said. “The way she can just be in the moment. Not a care in the world. Not worrying about emails or bills or whether she looks silly.” 

“I know what you mean,” Lina said. “Then again, I’m not sure I could give up espresso. Or true crime podcasts. Or Chilean Merlots.” 

“Or the toilet, for that matter,” Matt added with a chuckle. 

“There’s that,” Lina said, laughing along with him. 

Still, the joy on Teddy’s face made her wonder. He looked content. More than content, really—joyful. Rapturous, even. Almost like he was having a…

Lina leaned forward for a closer look. “Uh, Matt.” 

“What’s the matter?” Matt asked. He looked where Lina was pointing. “Oh. Huh.”  

The swing hung in place, Ellie and Teddy’s equestrian escapades forgotten. The two stared into each other’s eyes, all their attention on grinding their two diaper bulges against one another. 

“I am so sorry,” Lina said. “I let Teddy out of his chastity cage today so he could air out a bit. Honestly, it’s been so long since he’s been unlocked—or even asked about being unlocked—I thought maybe he’d just…I dunno, forgotten about all of that stuff?” 

“It’s alright. I’m sure Ellie instigated it. I’ve walked in on her having lots of vigorous one-on-one time with her dolphin stuffy lately.” 

Lina started to stand up. “We should break this up before—” 

“Before what?” Matt asked.

She looked away. “Before they, you know…” 

Matt shrugged. “Looks like they are both having a good time, doesn’t it?” 

Lina considered that for a moment. She settled back onto the bench. “I suppose so. After so many bubble baths and diaper changes, I guess I kind of forget about the grownup inside him, you know? I don’t see that side much anymore. I miss it sometimes, I think.” 

“I know what you mean.”  

The two had picked up the pace of their diaper humping. 

“I don’t imagine we’ll have to wait too long,” Lina said. “Teddy was always more of a sprinter than a marathon kinda guy.” 

Matt laughed. 

Lina giggled. “Sorry. You probably didn’t need to hear that.” 

“It’s okay. But looking at Ellie’s face, I’m going to have to disagree. I bet she’ll beat him there by a mile.” 

“No frickin’ way.” 

Matt raised an eyebrow. 

Lina felt that familiar flush of embarrassment. Were they actually betting on whether her boy would spurt in his diaper first? She decided to ignore that anxious, uptight voice in her head. If Teddy could live his life in the moment, following his instincts, why couldn’t she? At least once in a while. “Okay, you’re on. If I’m right, you have to change a positively toxic diaper.” 

“You think he’ll let me change him?”

“You think I’ll give the little stinker a choice?”

“Fair point.” 

“And if Ellie beats my boy there…” Lina struggled to think of a fair wager. 

“You’ll buy me a cup of coffee after ballet.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“If my girl gets there first, you two join us for ballet class, and then we get coffee afterward.”

Lina’s heart skipped a beat. “We have to get home. Teddy needs his dinner and his tub.” 

“Then come to my place instead.” 

“Your place?”

“I have all of the essentials: chicken nuggets, bubble bath, and an unopened bag of Ethiopian beans that’ll knock your socks off.”

Lina tried not to let the excitement show on her face. “I don’t know. It’ll be late. Besides, I thought I was supposed to pay for the coffee?” 

“The kiddos can play after their bath. Ellie has blocks and trains and a dollhouse and all kinds of fun stuff. We can sip some coffee on the balcony. Or Merlot, if that’s how the spirit moves.” 

Ellie looked at the two on the swing, lost in their own, sensual little world. They both looked happy. Present in the moment. Connected. Maybe she could have something like that too. Even if just for an evening. 

She turned back toward Matt. “You know, I think I’d like that.”