‘the emptiness sits deep inside. like a black hole of the heart. waiting to suck you in’ i always promised myself, for my mother’s sake, that i’d never let it catch me. that id run until my feet would bleed and even then i’d crawl. i crawl on my hands and knees like a baby, fresh of the womb. the only difference is, the baby doesn’t know what the world will do to it just yet. i do. because the world cuts you limb from limb. it stands on the hearts of the carers. it weighs down the thinkers. it blinds the creators. never to see again. the way the world works is it subconsciously gags, blindfolds and chains up every single person so nobody knows if what they see is the truth or just a figment of the imagination they’ve been told that they’re allowed to have. they tie weights to the ankles of the dreamers who’s heads were once in the clouds. now their heads are against pillows. crying tears of despair because they miss what they think they used to have. but they’re not even sure it was ever truly there. what even is a dream anymore? an escape.

Somethings are just difficult to explain without the correct words, or the knowledge you need to put those words together. Why is the sky blue? Why does the sun shine? Why does life sometimes just get a little bit too tricky to handle? People don’t have the knowledge to put letters into words, and words into sentences, and sentences into feelings that make you feel like you know how the other person feels in that exact moment. In that exact moment when their eyes first set sight on that new bike that they wanted since forever and a day ago, that moment when their fingers tangle in the fingers of the one they love the most, or that moment when they finally realise what they had isn’t coming back. The knowledge just subsides and the feelings become a mess of everything that’s wrong in the world. Is there a God? No, because if there was then he wouldn’t be torturing a 5 year old like this. He wouldn’t be tearing apart the heart of a child who knows only the colours on Elmers back and the fruits the Hungry Caterpillar ate every day without fail when she opened the book. He wouldn’t be snatching the parents and children of the victims who just tried to get away from the devils advocates who roam the earths surface just waiting to pounce. Is there a God? Yes, because if there wasn’t then who decided that the little girl needed the independence she gained so early. Who decided that one was enough and stole from her the one she now needs the most. One is not enough. One word can’t describe the anguish of a heart that still breaks, 11 years after, just at the sound his name. One paragraph cannot piece together the heart of a broken one who’s still yet to come across those pieces in her heart that she lost so long ago. One page cannot teach you about how it feels not to know a part of you. And one language cannot contain all the words that should be said while you still have the chance to. But, there are words that can be pieced together in a language other than mine that could help to place a stitch in the hole that gapes in the hearts of the ones who’ve loved and lost, and those who’ve lost and loved. Because sometimes, it’s just too difficult to find the words to tell people just what your heart feels when your brain shuts down and all you can think about is the pain in your heart that hasn’t gone with the tick tock of the clock as it slowly turns towards your time too. The time has come. Then the time has been and now you’re not here no matter how much I wish upon those stars of years gone by that were probably dying while they were too but, in my eyes the stars are still alive while all those people don’t exist anymore and the stardust that lived in their bones now dies in the ground, getting ready to be reborn, somehow, someday.

“january came with the cold wind that blew me from the place i thought i belonged in. the chill in the air froze my heart for a while. i was numb. numb to my own pain but, even worse, numb to the pain i caused others. but then…
came february and as was once said ‘jack frost came nipping at my nose’. more importantly, my actions came back to nip me in the arse. i got a taste of my own medicine. it wasn’t nice. like a sour lemon was mixed with a few drops of heartache. but, the numbness was gone. for now. 
march brought the sun and with it came a hell of a battle. a battle for me to figure out who i really was and who my friends really were. sometimes it’s better to watch from afar. not that i’d know because….
when april showed its face i was already knee deep in the puddles from my own showers. the clouds distorted my vision and i thought it was better to turn back. ‘just turn back.’ how wrong i was. 
may was just around the corner. and it’s bright days shone over me like my new found smile shone out for the world to see. the stars twinkled in the sky and i thought they shone for me. i thought they shone because i’d finally found my place in this God awful world. 
when june came things couldn’t get much better. the shorter night and the new people along with the sweet summer dew tingled in my nose and fizzes on my fingertips. i was getting acquainted with newer more mature people. but maybe maturity isn’t all it’s cut out to be. 
by the end of july the sun may have been shining but the mist was descending on my mind. the fog that had once been a constant in my vision began to slowly appear again and my tunnel vision began. the one. the one. the one. 
and august left. along with him. the days were getting shorter and so was my happiness. nothing was right anymore. nothing was good. because he wasn’t there... september came and left and the darkness drew in on my mind like it did on the nights. i don’t think my cheeks were dry in september just like the roads in october when i finally realised that only i can change my life and with the ticking of the clock i ticked off things on my to do list. i decided that life was more than love. and love wasn’t just life. the november fog blurred my vision and blinded me to what was to come in december. and as the snow melted, so did my heart as he came back. bringing back the warmth for christmas that i had so longed for all the year and finally. here was the ending i’d wanted. a little bit of happiness. that was all i’d asked for. and santa carried it here. perfectly bowed inside a pretty package. and he brought it just for me. 

vive vie ou mourir en essayant

je pense qu’il était toxique. toxiques pour moi. toxique pour le monde. je pense que les mémoires il me donnait étaient très spécial pour moi, mais très ordinaires pour autres personnes. et c’est pourquoi j’ai laissé. parce que nous avions rien spécial.

je mérite un apologie. c’est tout je veux. pas de mots, pas de temps. juste une apologie pour causer moi beaucoup de douleur. mais, je connais je ne l’aura pas alors, c’est au revoir. de la fille qui adorais vous.

and i woke up to tears that morning. because now i know, even in my dreams we don’t speak anymore.

nobody tells you about how you hurt me that night. you didn't hurt my feelings. no. you caused me physical pain that i will remember for a long, long time. my heart sighed and sunk and my chest grew tighter like your arms once did around my waist. it was fucking shit. shit that another human being had such power over me. that they were able to make me feel like i needed them so badly. my cheeks became damp and my eyes dry with the hours. the next morning my pillow still held onto the tears from the night before. my covers still holding me. holding me. like you should have been. but then i saw you. i saw you and realised. you aren't shit. you have no power over me and that's the best thing i ever figured out. because with you. i'm not me. and without you. i'm not me. but right now it's better for me to be not me without you than to be with you and not me.